Curt Storring 0:00

Welcome to the Dad.Work podcast. My name is Curt Storring, your host and the founder of Dad.Work. My guest today is Adam Brewer. And this is a funny one because I initially came across Adam, when I was looking for a name for this entire project for Dad.Work. And one of the first things that came to mind was conscious dads. I was like, oh, yeah, that's exactly what we want to do. We want to be more conscious want to be more aware, we want to be more mindful. And I looked it up and I was like, dang, the domain is taken. And oh, hold on. There's something on here. So I looked at this website is this conscious dad's website and it's like, oh, man, this is amazing. So I've actually had Adam on my mind for four months now, ever since I started this project. So we go deep on this conversation talking about Adams intense transition into fatherhood, including the breakdown he suffered and how he got through it stronger than ever. How Adam took action to rebuild trust and relationship with his partner after this break down, surrendering to change and fatherhood is a man who tries to control everything around him. Why sharing your story and speaking your truth are so transformative and healing, healing perfectionist tendencies and the nice guy syndrome, practical tools and practices for soulful self care and finding calm, how to provide your kids with mindfulness tools that will serve them for a lifetime without being overbearing. Why Adam and I do this work because it's infinitely harder to be Zen as a parent, and Adams pillars for living as a conscious dad. Adam Brewer is a spiritual parenting coach for new dads and dads to be desiring a framework to be calm, present and co creative with their kids. His work is an integration of spirit science and psychology. He has been an entrepreneur in the health and fitness industry for 25 plus years, and has worn the hats of conscious evolution coach, meditation guide, breathwork, coach, yoga instructor and mind body fitness specialist. Professionally speaking, he's the creator of conscious dad's three minute meditations, meditate with ease and sunrise sweat, Adam has spent the better part of the last 20 years diving into the best in personal development, self help conscious evolution and spirituality. And for the last five years, his focus has been on applying all of this to parenting. He's run the experiments on his own life and has found an integrated formula which serves to awaken you to your authentic self. It works if you work it, and he loves sharing with others. Adam lives in Los Angeles with his partner, Liz, their four year old son Skye, and their two dogs nallo. And faith, you can find Adam Brewer at conscious dads.com. And on social conscious dads, let's dive into this one. This is extremely fun. This really, really landed with me, and the way Adam speaks. But all this is so easy to connect with. And it's so well spoken that this was just so much fun. And I hope you'll enjoy it too. Just a quick reminder, if you are enjoying this podcast, I ask please would you do me a favor and leave a review on Apple. My goal for this is to reach as many followers as possible because I think we changed the world, one father at a time through healing and passing those healings on to our children. If you are on Apple, could you please pause this, go to Apple podcasts, scroll down on the Dad.Work podcast, hit ratings and reviews and leave a review. It just takes a moment and I would be extremely grateful. Finally, if you are not signed up for our free 14 day email series called better man better dad, I invite you to join. It's a free 14 day course you'll get emails sent to your inbox every day for 14 days. And it's basically all the tools, practices tips, I've used to take my life 180 degrees in a different direction. I used to be angry, miserable. I really didn't know what I was doing as a father or a partner or even a man. And I suffered big time. And so I have spent the last eight plus years, many, many, many 1000s of dollars, and many, many 1000s of hours doing this work. And I've taken all the best things that work for me and I broke them down into this email series. If you would like that over the next 14 days sent to your inbox, go to dad dot work. That's our website, type it into your browser dad dot work. There's a form on there to simply add your name and your email and I will send that to you right away. With all that being said, it's time for this amazing conversation with Adam Brewer of conscious dads.

I am here with Adam of conscious dads and Adam. I was telling you beforehand. The first time I came across you was when I was looking for a domain name for my own project Dad.Work. I was like what do I want to be doing here? Conscious dads, that sounds amazing. And I typed it in and it's like, dang, it's taken. And I came across you and I was like, oh actually this guy's got some cool stuff to say like, that's great. I'm glad this is taken. And so I am pumped to have you on here because man your story, who I can't wait to dive into it. Because from what you've shared online on your site, it's insane and absolutely powerful. So thank you and welcome.

Adam Brewer 4:24

Yeah, thank you so much. And I likewise, and I'm so pleased that you're doing the work you're doing. And there's so many similarities in our approaches and philosophies and ways of looking at this thing we call parenthood. So it's a real thrill to have made this connection and had this opportunity to chat today.

Curt Storring 4:45

Totally. Yeah, thank you, Adam. I would love to start actually with your journey. It's one of my favorite things to do is just like, here's your journey through fatherhood. Because as men see, things that they relate to in other men, it can help to sort of relieve the feeling of uniqueness or specialness or only I suffer this way. And I think your story is profound and powerful. So would you walk us through sort of your life, maybe very quickly up to when you found out you're going to become a dad, and then sort of the series of events that led you to today because I relate to having a very difficult time. And yet here we both are, you know, this, I think, ultimately, and this is a little bit of a, you know, forward looking, it's a message of hope. And that's one thing I love to talk about on this show is just like you can get through whatever the hell you're going through. So would you just walk us through your journey of becoming a father?

Adam Brewer 5:36

Absolutely. Yes, it's, it's been quite a journey. It's a non traditional route, I would say. And without going into all the details of everything I the short of it is most of my life, I had zero interest in being a father, it was not something that was on my radar in any way, shape, or form. And what was on my radar was a journey of self discovery, of exploring conscious evolution, and kind of trying to unravel the mysteries of science and spirit. And that began, that journey began for me around 2003. And I just went into a deep dive, and that came from, I would say, pain, I was experiencing a lot of stress and confusion at that time of my life. I was 33 at the time, 2003. And I just like, I know, there's something more here more to me more to life. And I'm so curious. And so I took a deep dive into those areas. And so this, this whole evolutionary arc of intentional spiritual discovery, spiritual practice started in 2003, I believe we're all on a spiritual path throughout our entire life is just, we sometimes do it a little more intentionally. And so that intentional path started around 2003. And that took lots of different iterations. And there was a point actually from like, around 2003 to 2010, that I did like what I called Seven Years in Tibet, in LA, where I literally took a deep dive. And I basically renounce pleasure of all forms, and just went hardcore into meditation, contemplation, introspection, and really trying to cultivate peace of mind. And that had his blessings and its curses. And one of those curses was I believe, I just found that I was I was lacking human connection, because I believe that's ultimately, one of the main reasons we're here on this planet is to connect with others and to share our gifts and to work together in cooperation and collaboration. And that was markedly missing from that, that window of time that I did this deep dive into contemplation, introspection, and meditation. And so I've kind of found a soul cry happening. And that happened around 2010, it turned me on to some teachers that were were more about the expression of joy and celebration in life and, and kind of guiding us in the direction that life is basically just in a state of celebration at all times. And it's waiting for us to kind of come into alignment with that. And it just wants to give us more and more of that. So I dove into those types of teachings. And I just, I just started to love this idea of conscious evolution. And I, I was at a point where even though I was like, out of the phase of wanting to go on my own on this journey, I still had that mindset that I want this to be the rest of my life. And I believe that anything that comes into my world that could potentially take me out of that is going to be a distraction. And that included partners that included the idea of a family, I was like, No way I want to go into this stuff. And I was I was really enjoying it.

But life I believe had other plans for me. And so part of my spiritual journey, if you will, or path into this conscious, intentional conscious path was a conversation with spirit, if you will, with life, basically just saying, I want to know my true life's purpose Come what may, right and so it wasn't like not what I want to cognize is my plan, but what is meant for me, and so I opened myself up to saying, Take me where you will life and I want to go there. And so as it turns out, that took me to jumping ahead now to around 2017. And I met an amazing woman, my partner, Liz. And what originally brought us together of all things was that a mutual friend had connected us we had very similar interests, but a mutual friend had connected us because she thought or new thought she knew that neither one of us wanted children. And so we were like, Oh awesome. She was like You want me to set you guys up? She's like a matchmaker and we're like Sure, let's do it. And so we both came to the table with that kind of understanding, jump forward without getting all the details. Within four months of our relationship, we found out she was pregnant. And that was a shocker to, I think, to both of us, certainly, but I'm just saying my side of the story, and it rocked my world. Because as I had said, up to this point, with the thought of a child in my life, and that lifetime commitment to a child and understanding that it's no small task, it's not something it's not like, you just have a child in one hand, religion in the other, if you're that type of person, or work when it's like, this is the real deal, man. And I've come to believe and try to share this with fathers. It's, it's the ultimate job you will ever have. And perhaps the most important thing we can do on this planet, if you choose this path of being a father, and so it rocked my world. And it caused me to have so many questions. And, and part of that was, I believe, in existential crisis. I was just like, What do I do in this space? This is not what I envisioned. But perhaps it was what was meant for me, because for all along, as I said, this spiritual path, they said, Show me my purpose. Show me my purpose, I was asking the big questions what's trying to emerge through me right now. And in come what may. And I think if sometimes what I've learned over the years is if you're not truly in alignment with your soul's purpose, sometimes a cataclysmic event comes along, to reorient you to your true life's purpose, and it may be a rough ride, right, and mine was a rough ride. And so these these existential questions led me to experience unbelievable anxiety, tremendous depression. And this is while again, well, while the partner Liz was was pregnant, and that that combination of the anxiety, the depression, led me to insomnia. And I'm not talking like just a little bit of lack of sleep. As I shared on my website, we're talking about two months of no sleep, and you go more than two weeks without sleep, and you're in big, big, big, big trouble. And in fact, you know, sleep deprivation is often used, I believe, in war time, sadly, as the torture and what ended up happening is, I've completely lost my mind, because i You can't go without sleep for two months, and hope to keep yourself on track. And I lost it, I completely had a mental, physical, emotional, spiritual breakdown. And it rocked my world. And so I ultimately had to take time away and went back with family ended up needing to be checked into I mean, this is an extreme story need to be checked into a psych ward for like two weeks, because I was literally out of my mind. And it's just a journey to recover for this. So that whole path that that time going away from from Liz, from the experience, I was away from this for three months during during her pregnancy. And that's a big, big deal. And really, we had just been getting to know each other. So it's a lot to ask of any human being. And so,

you know, the challenges that were there, not only for myself, obviously, but for her, during this time, were unbelievable to say, is this gonna work? How is this? What's this gonna look like? Because one I had to recover. In that recovery. Though, interestingly enough, somewhere at some point, I think I shared this as a story. As I was on the road to recovery, I was on my mom in my mom's kitchen. It was like, I just had this lightbulb moment. And there was a call it an awakening, I guess, if you will, but it just hit me that everything that I had been running from was really what I was being drawn to. And that perhaps as I've already kind of said, the most noble thing a man can do in this lifetime is to be a conscious, loving, present, father to a child, or children. And I was like, This is what I'm meant to do on this planet. And here I go. And I don't know what this is going to look like yet. I don't even know if I'm going to be in this child's life yet, because I said this was like, on the road recovery before I had even come back to LA to try to mend the fence with men defense with Liz. But I was like, regardless of how it's going to look, I do know that I will be that for my child. And I'm going to throw my heart and soul into this, this role that that I thought I would never have in this lifetime. And so it just began a journey back into it. And then that's kind of again, it's kind of a long answer to a short question, I guess. But that's kind of the path and it's non traditional, but it's it's led me to basically I really believe my life's calling and something that that brought us together, right. And for me, it was the creation of conscious dads which came a little bit down the road. And just like a child that continues to evolve and take shape, and it's like, it's, it's learning to walk. It's, it's all of these things that we're doing. And it's, it's, it's an ebb and a flow. And I love that, that I'm staying open and adaptable, because, frankly, that's what what life is. But that's what fatherhood is. It's a willingness to just keep reinventing yourself and adapting and realizing that it's just, it's really the ultimate spiritual practice, and many, many levels, because I thought I had it dialed in as a single human being. And this is like to a whole nother level. And it's the most magical thing you can do.

Curt Storring 15:45

Yeah, and I love that you said that it was like a spiritual journey, because that's one thing that I love. Dan Dodi was on the podcast, I think, Episode 10. And he, you know, often talks about fatherhood as a spiritual practice. And it's like, until you're there, you don't know the depths of feeling of love, of awareness of existential angst sometimes that you get just from being a father. And I mean, I think every father, like you said, every person on this earth is indeed on their own spiritual journey. But if you can have that conscious mindset as a dad, like you're saying, the conscious dads, if you get that, and really tap into that, and sit with it, man, it can be profound. There's so much you can get just from understanding and sitting with that. And so thank you for mentioning that because man, I love I love that Titan spirituality as fatherhood container. And I have like three or four questions here about the story you just told. And the first one I want to ask is, why do you think it was so hard to understand that you were going to become a father? When you're like, you know, come? What may? I'm open to all these things? What was it that you were still like, on not fatherhood, anything but that, do you know, like, why that was the case for you?

Adam Brewer 16:56

Ego, I think is a lot of things. I'd like control. And I, I've always kind of been that way I like things in boxes. And I think I knew in my heart of heart, that this was going to be the furthest thing from that this potential of, of trying to take in what is this being, which is probably as connected to spirit that will ever be in this little form coming onto this planet, that is meant to just like, be ever changing and adapting. And really, that's our essence. It's like nature itself. But the thought of, of having to let go of control, and jumping and diving into the unknown, wholeheartedly scared the living bejesus out of me, I was just like, No way, man, that's just not where I want to go. So I think I was bumping up against my ego, and feeling like I could put life into a framework, when in reality, you can't, it's just it's something that is uncontrollable in that way, as much as we as as these human beings want to try to, to do that. It's it's not really possible. And so the ego was strong in me. And, you know, there are other things that go back into my own childhood. You know, it was like, there was shame involved, there was guilt involved when I say shame, meaning like, because I was raised Roman Catholic. And by the way, I'm recovering Rome. I'm a recovering Roman Catholic these days. But I was raised Roman Catholic, and the idea of having a child out of wedlock was just like, oh, my gosh, this doesn't happen. You can't do this. You're, you're basically you've sinned, and you're going to hell. And that was still somewhere in my subconscious, that tape. And so there was that side of me that always wanted to be that perfect little being even into my adult life that I was carrying through, and it was rising up within me. And I don't even know it was still present. Even after all this work I had done to try to let go of some of that baggage. It was deeply ingrained. So there was some of that and as, as I mentioned, also, just the the commitment thing. Of the idea of this is, because I take everything I was gonna do, I was gonna say seriously, but I don't know if that's the right word reverentially like things that I get into, I really try to to give it my all. And I knew that this was the ultimate because it was a lifetime. And and this was going to be something that I had no idea about whatsoever. And I would have to tap back into what I would refer to as a beginner's mind and humble myself and say, I don't know what the heck I'm doing. And that was also kind of scary to me. Because I had kind of as I said, it was almost like this false sense of like, wow, I've made it I've figured all this stuff out with all the spiritual explanation. But there was the ego that was in place and not allowing me to see no no, no, we're it's ever evolving every single one of us. And it's that constant return to that beginner's mind. Mind every single day, whether you're single, or whether you're a parent, that is so important in our lives, and I had forgotten that had forgotten that. And here it was right in my face that I must begin again, and be a beginner and, and grow and learn and evolve. And so it was a beautiful reminder. Because I just I think life gives us what we need.

Curt Storring 20:24

Yeah, thank you for for sharing that. And isn't it funny how, you know, you can be so spiritual you can be on this path of spirit, you can be looking for things you can be really like feeling great about yourself and meditate for years. And then all of a sudden, you just get like, smacked upside the head with this, like, are you really surrendered? Are you really ready for life? Yeah. And like, I've experienced that. And I wonder if this is true for you to where I was doing all of the spiritual things. I was meditating so that I could do breath work so that I could journal so that I could do you know, whatever it was, and I was like, I am so good at doing spiritual stuff. And it wasn't until earlier this year, actually, I got like, you know, I got a two by four, and that my own head going like, Man, you've never just sat with it. You were never just being in that moment. And it was like this. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, I was like totally trying to control this journey, rather than just sit and be. So does that ring true for you? And your journey as well?

Adam Brewer 21:23

Most certainly, because it is it's that that dynamic dance between doing and being right. It's and the embodiment of the practices. It's, it's essential. And absolutely, I'm so glad you brought that up, because I found that to be true as well. And it's like, it's just gonna continually you like you said, the lessons will keep coming. And you'll just have to figure out where that is for you. Where is that the dance between the doing and the being? And each of us is going to it's going to come in different ways. Sometimes, it'll happen in aha moments. And sometimes it's it's a slow, piece by piece experience for each of us. And so yeah, I love that concept. It's really, really it.

Curt Storring 22:10

Nice. Yeah, thank you. What does your partner feel about all this? Is she like super pumped about being conscious mom now, like, she probably very much appreciates the fact that you are conscious rather than unconscious. But what does that relationship look like these days?

Adam Brewer 22:24

Yeah, that's a great question, too. It's, it's an ever evolving, beautiful thing. And it's like, I can't, I can't imagine a more understanding person through this process. Because they're the it's that's a tall task to ask anyone, when you've really just kind of gotten to know somebody, and you don't even have a lot of one personal history with him. But even know the full history of this being. And in the person is like, as it relates to having a child saying, I don't want any of it to the point where they're having a complete breakdown, to then allow for a level of forgiveness, right of themselves of the person to at least allow space and an opening for the possibility that this person could be in my life on purpose, right. And I may have even called this in that there's, there's this and she is that person who allowed for the space to be held where it's like saying, I am not going to judge the external right here in this exact moment. Yes, there are feelings around it attendant feelings, there has to be, you wouldn't be human if there weren't those moments of like, whoa, what am I what have I gotten myself into here, but to also then say, I am open at the top, and I she is one of these really spiritual persons, people on this planet. And I learned from her daily and I hope, you know, on some level, she learns from me as well. But just that level of forgiveness, because I think that's important for all of us in our lives, to forgive ourselves, to forgive others. Because is one of my spiritual teachers once said, it's like, the lack of lack of forgiveness is perhaps one of the greatest forms of self imprisonment, you can experience on this planet, and that came from Michael Bernard Beckwith, and I was just like, whoa, and it hit me hard. When I heard it, I had to really sit with that kind of thing. And she's that kind of person. And I had to do some deep forgiveness work as well. And I, I believe, when you really do that with yourself and with other beings, that anything is possible in our relationship is proof of that. And so our relationship is, is a good one. And it's, it's like somehow through the CAS, it's like we were meant to be in the situation as stewards for this child. And, you know, we both in general really think along very similar lines in terms of parenting style, but if one of us kind of gets off, the other one seems to be there to kind of balance it out. In that moment, in both directions, and we're there to remind each other of the mission and attention and what we're trying to do. Because I know that's not always the case in relationships, especially when people go on kind of spiritual journeys or explorations into self discovery, oftentimes is one person has a certain view, and it's really polar opposite of what the other and when you have those conflicting things related to rare in children, I think it can be a real challenge. And we're blessed to not have that.

Curt Storring 25:28

Yeah, thanks for sharing that. And could you go just a little bit in depth on like, what that repair looked like? So you come back from being in a psych ward? I think you said, and you're sort of feeling better, and you make this decision, you're going to be an amazing Dad, how did you go about repairing and building trust after that,

Adam Brewer 25:47

through action, that's the first thing I could say. Because I knew that words wouldn't matter. Because what had been see, it's certainly I was saying certain things, but it was more about the doing. And so it was just showing up for for Liz, in this case, in whatever ways I could in terms of being helpful. And letting her see firsthand, not here, the letting her see that I was serious about this, this intention and this idea that I wanted to be this this conscious father. So it would just you know, if we did a kid seat, or child seat, I would go and get it and bring it to her and just those kinds of simple in seemingly meaningless things. But saying, I'll figure out how to do this. And I'm going to get it to me to make sure we have all of these things and just be as present physically as I possibly could be, and, and be as supportive as I could and also honor the fact that she's going to have moments, right? Where there's going to be a wall of sorts, right? There's going to be this like, Is this for real, you know, and to allow those feelings, right to not try to say, I'm going to make this happen. So it was a combination, again, of being and doing in this in this exact moment, too. I had to do certain things, but also had to be willing to honor the emotions that were there and the questions that that had to be present and do my best to answer them whenever they were asked of me. And then again, just to simply show, through through my doing this, that I was very serious about the experience,

Curt Storring 27:32

that is so hard to do to to balance the doing and the being when you are trying to not get something but almost have this reciprocal relationship, and be okay with it not being reciprocal. And it's like being okay to have needs and express needs, and not expecting them to be met. And it sounds like that's sort of the tightrope walk that you did, because I hear a lot of men who are like, I have needs, I'm going to tell my wife, partner, girlfriend, whatever. And then like I've sort of made these needs be known, and I'm being very respectful about it, but then like get angry when they're not mad, and be like, oh, like a little boy energy almost. So I'd love to hear that sort of letting go like, you're just going to show up, because you probably knew from the sounds of it that you're like, This doesn't look right on me. And like, that's fine. And I'm very grateful that she's here for me still, but I gotta like put in the work and then let go is felt?

Adam Brewer 28:25

Absolutely, because I believe that's a way about most things, right? It's somehow it's like, the idea of having fewer expectations of an outcome, right, it's just put the energy into space and somehow found find the letting go energy through the allowing it to do what it's going to do. Because it's the old saying that, you know, where there's willfulness, there are walls and where there's willingness or surrender or availability, there are ways and it's staying in that space that out of no ways ways are made, as long as you stay in an expansive space, because the more we try to force things into life, it's a constrictive contracted energy. And it's, it's typically the polar opposite of the way life is working. And the more we can, like just put our best foot forward, coming from the most aligned intention, and then let go of that, and the expectation, it's going to go where it's meant to go. And then it's a level of trust. And it's a level of faith that you will be right where you're meant to be doing what you're doing with whom you're meant to be doing it in each and every given moment of our lifetime. Yeah,

Curt Storring 29:36

absolutely, man, man, this just feels so good. I feel super aligned with you right now. Can you give us a little bit of just a story about how you felt after you shared this because like putting something up on a blog sharing with other people. This is an example of shining light on your shadow. And in my experience, sitting in men's groups doing my own shadow work when you can put these things In the light that you might feel shame about that you have repressed in some way it is, it feels like the scariest thing you could possibly do. And it's like ripping off a band aid, you're like, I don't know if I can do this. And then you share. And it's just like, in my experience, at least, usually relief, especially if it can be held in a container of non judgmental men or people in your life. So did that feel relieving to you to share? What was that journey? Like?

Adam Brewer 30:25

It was scary, there's no doubt about it. And it was one of those situations where if I get honest, initially, it was, it was a little overwhelming, because I, there's a part of me that had the imposter syndrome, I was like, Man, I'm a fraud, you know, you wanted to have that judgment, that little critic, that inner critic on the side was like, You spent all these years doing all this work, and you just literally melted down, when push came to shove, you completely fell apart, all the scaffolding came crumbling down, and you're, you're gonna seem weak, that's what my mindset was, in that there was that side of it, you're gonna seem weak, and it's just like, no one's gonna trust you any longer. So all of these thoughts were in the back of my mind somewhere, that again, that's, that's that limited self, that small self, that perhaps wounded self that was always worried about someone else's judgment, rather than what was true to my soul. And what was true to my soul, and I believe was a part of my personal healing journey, not everybody's going to do this was to potentially as you just said, come from a place of, if I can share my story, if I help one person out there who may have experienced something like this, it's worth it. And that was then the driving force to go, there was something inside and said, I have to risk it all, if you will, and just bring this to light. Because if I don't, and I try to continue to pretend to have it all together, it's going to come back to bite me in the butt, right? That is the truth. In general, with all of our shadows, stuff that's going on, the more we can bring it to light, the more we have the potential to heal in the energy becomes more expansive. And so I knew that because this was something that was so big, it had to be brought to the table. And so and so I did share, but I was nervous. I mean, there's no doubt about it, if I told you otherwise, I would be, you know, authentic. And I was just, it's kind of like you have that. That moment of like, okay, I just hit send, or I just hit publish. And I was like, should I have done that. And, and that that was real, but I was like, Oh, here we go. This is a whole new path for me. And part of this new path was an honesty was a truth to of to myself, as well as to my partner, Liz, and anyone in my life to the best of my ability, I wanted you to not just see me physically in the stories you might read here, but to know what's going on and behind the scenes perhaps. And, and from that place of vulnerability and authenticity, there can be a great strength. And it was amazing to as I did that, I mean, I cannot tell you how much support I got when I first put those things out there. And it was it was awe inspiring to me to just just waves of people going like, thank you so much for sharing what you just shared. Just a reminder, as you said that we're all human. And we're all in this together. And we're all gonna make mistakes. Making mistakes is a beautiful thing, in fact, because it's like we just have an opportunity, one to just honor what we've been through but see it as this, this potential portal or pathway to something brand new that we've never experienced before. And for me it was that going back to that connection that was so missing through those years of that deep work I was thought I was doing on myself and all the doing, if you will, the lack of connection that was there. Here it was right. I was like saying, I reveal myself. And then all of a sudden this flood of support came in and it was like life through other beings was saying thank you, thank you for being who you are in this moment. And allowing us to witness you fully. And I just had to trust the process. I had to trust the process. And yeah, there were you know, certain people that were like, Oh, my God, how this happened to the but that's always going to be the case no matter what happens. And so you just have to trust that you're on the right path. And, and so I did and it's that opportunity, I hope to share with others that again, hope is always a possibility, no matter where we are, how far we've fallen, especially if you're willing to open your heart

Curt Storring 35:00

Yeah, yeah. And this sort of reminds me of just my own journey is, you know, posting something on Instagram for the first time, I was like, who am I, you know, what does this matter? Does anybody actually care. And you know, I'm going to look like a failure. And for me, like this perfectionism has been rampant in my life. And it ties into this nice guy syndrome, which it sounds like, you know, we probably relate on, where if I can present this perfect exterior, then people will like me, because obviously, if I'm not perfect, people are gonna be like, well, you're worthless, you're unlovable, whatever. This is just a story that's created in my head from childhood myself. And so you become this, like, needing to be perfect on the outside. And if there's like this crack, or something that's not there, then you will lose the love. And there's nothing more scary than losing love, and acceptance and being ostracized. And it sounds like this was probably part of your journey as well. So do you relate to the sort of nice guy needing to be loved? And did this sort of all come crashing down at the same time? Like, was the nice guy thing and the perfectionism thing part of this journey? Or did you do work on that separately,

Adam Brewer 36:08

I would say both. So it was definitely a part of this particular chapter of my life. But it was something I was, I think I was aware of as I was in the earlier stages of the self discovery, I was aware that it was there, but I wasn't fully ready to honor that and recognize it as a part of my being. And so I think life just kept knocking, right? Just kept knocking, as it always does, and eventually gets louder and louder, and says, There's stuff here that you're not really fully committing to. And this was that it was that watershed moment, where it was like, Whoa, man, absolutely. It's the the crack is now there, and it's broken open. And the need for perfectionism that need to be loved, you know, to have the validation from others coming, that stuff has to be brought to the table. So ultimately, you can find that within yourself in in recognize, that's the most important thing you can ever find really, is that willingness to just be yourself fully.

Curt Storring 37:13

Yeah, and I would like to recommend for anyone listening who does struggle with perfectionism, or what they call nice guy syndrome. Dr. Robert Glover has an excellent book related to the nice guy No more Mr. Nice Guy. So that is one that I have used with great success to sort of help myself navigate these waters of needing other people to to love me in ways that are inauthentic. I would love to now talk about sort of what you're doing today, you are helping dads, you are sort of a mindfulness meditation teacher guide. And so I would love to get into like some practices, practical ways that guys can deal with stress, anxiety, anger, maybe learn how to introspect and do some of the work that you do with yourself and with other men. So are there some very foundational practices, maybe just start there? Like, if a man is interested in doing any of this work? What sort of things would you recommend you do to slow down or embody or start to sort of be with the practice like we were talking about?

Adam Brewer 38:12

Yeah, there are a number of what I would call soulful, self care tools that men can start to incorporate. And perhaps two or three of the most powerful ones one is breathwork, intentional breath, we're conscious breathing. Because it's, it's essential to be able to navigate the waters of life one, but just Parenthood in general, so that we can learn to self regulate. That's something that a lot of men have never really learned to do. It's like an energy rises up in the reptilian brain, and we just want to bark we just want to explode. And no one ever really, at least speaking personally ever taught me how to say pause. Let's just take a few lights, slow, deep breaths in this moment and allow that to move through your body. And if we can do that and learn some very practical basic breathing patterns, we can control our heart rates, which will ultimately shift the brainwaves and remove from the subconscious reptilian animalistic reflex or reaction to different areas of the brain where now we're in the prefrontal cortex now, we're operating in the Alpha Brainwave. Now we can be calm, cool and collected and look at it through a lens of what are the thoughts, words and actions which may come forth in this moment going to do are they either going to be expansive energy, or are they going to be contracted energy? And then from that space, just that learning to pause with our breath, can have a tremendous result in men's lives, especially as it relates to our children? Because I believe it was like, I can't remember the exact source that it was. He said, Listen, your children are not trying to give you a hard time they're having a hard time. And part of that is saying, like, there's so much going on within their being, and they haven't even yet learned to remotely self regulate. And so they're just in a space of like an internal tsunami, we have, as adults had that opportunity, right through life years on the planet, to hopefully develop some of those skills. And we, if we learn things like breathwork, conscious breathing, which is something I teach men, you can be that that grounding force for your child when they're in their storm. And so that we don't add to it. Because if we are not able to calm ourselves, personally, that's where the real work is. And that's how our children are ultimately master teachers, they're giving us an opportunity to grow ourselves. So we had that chance to actually say, right, now I'm going to share my ability to be calm with my child. And that's called co regulation. And so that ultimately, they can learn by example, how to self regulate. And so that's like one of those roles as a father, which is essential. So breathwork is one thing, some conscious breathing. And starting with just, you know, again, there's right now in that, that arena of breath work, there's a lot out there, and there's a lot of good stuff, but a lot of is just like this pumped up, big breath work classes and exercises where people are having altered states experiences, there's, there's a time and a place for that. But it doesn't necessarily serve us in the moment of when our child is having their issues or challenges. What can happen are just some really simple what they call coherent breathing practices, where, again, most of it is done through the nostrils when you do this, but you just take a light, slow, deep inhale to a for five or six counts. And then you take a light, slow, deep exhale for five, six matching, it's called even count whatever you do on the inhale, you do on the exhale, you try to breathe into your belly diaphragmatic. And those some of those simple things of breathing through the nose of slowing it down of expanding the abdomen through the diaphragm, helped to activate what's called the vagus nerve. And this vagus nerve has this calming effect on our body, right? It sends us into this rest and digest state. So that we can actually be that, that calm presence. And so just learning basic things like coherent breathing. Some people call it conscious breathing, even count breathing, vital. I love cold immersion is another tool. And I'm not even necessarily talking ice bath ice baths can be amazing, I do that stuff. But simply just learning to just get in cold water in your shower can have tremendous effects and learning to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. Because that again, is fathering parenting. In a nutshell, it's like you're going to be taken outside of your comfort zones every day, if not every minute of your experience with your children. And so the more comfortable we can get in uncomfortable situations, the better. And part of getting used to cold water.

Is that idea because what happens when we first experience you can't hide. And no matter how long you've had experience with cold immersion, we all have the same reaction, pupils dilate, breathing gets rapid and shallow. It's up in the chest. It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, just like we go into fight or flight. But as we're in that, and the more we practice conscious breathing in those scenarios, and focus on the exhalation because exhalation is correlated with relaxation. And we learned that it's about slowing down and drawing out that you can self regulate, in that experience that that moment where it's like, here I am cold is like whew, this is it. And learning to be okay. In that space. That translates as well. In addition, it has, it's like this cascade of a release of what they call happy hormones, which come in and so, things kick in which if you have any proclivities towards mood starting to drop, you're going to find yourself being more motivated, more driven, more inspired, happier overall, because of things like serotonin and dopamine and epinephrine, norepinephrine, and it's just like, those two tools are something that I think we I definitely helped with and can be very valuable. A third is meditation is right up there with all that and all meditative practices that I encourage fathers to do and share with fathers always begin with conscious breath work. Because again, it just it sets the right brainwave, bless your heart come into a place of coherence with that brainwave and allows you to kind of quiet what they refer to as the monkey mind much more easily than if you just try to sit still. From a busy day or from a just an argument you may have had with your Your, your, your significant other your child. And so they kind of all meld together, frankly. But those are three of the primary tools that I like to utilize. And there's so many other ones.

Curt Storring 45:14

Yeah, those are all fantastic. And you're speaking my language man, like all of these ones I do myself. And it sort of goes back to the idea that I mean, like part of this practice for me, part of this project for me, is helping men understand that to become a better father, you have to do the work on yourself. Yes, because no amount of like parenting styles, no amount of strategies are going to work when you're dysregulated. That's right. And so making sure that your own nervous system is going to be calm, and slow, will allow you to do like, whatever tactics or strategies you're going to do, but it starts with you. It always starts with you. And so getting these personal self care practices is not selfish at all. It's self less when you're a father. And these are three amazing ones. And I love these said, co regulation, because that is vital for fathers to know that if you're dysregulated, and you're coming to your kid with screaming, yelling, big energy, and then you get upset two or three years later, when they're 567, whatever, and they're yelling back at you, where do you think they learned that that's how your nervous system taught there's, and so to co regulate for calm children, which again, goes to so many positive outcomes later in life? You have to do this work for yourself. So thank you for giving those three. And I mean, do you have any other thoughts on how to do this with your kids how to teach them things? Because, like, you know, I've done everything from standing with meditation with my kids, teaching them how to breathe. And you know, I don't like being overbearing, right. But I want to give them tools. So what are your thoughts on like, bringing all of this to your children to give them the tactics and the tools to use in moments of dysregulation?

Adam Brewer 46:51

Yeah, one is, is like you just said is lead by example, right? So that you ultimately are doing it on the daily, so they recognize that that's a part of, of your process, right? And, and then if you become that calm presence in their life, eventually they're going to just tune into it because kids learn through imitation, as you just were basically saying, just in a slightly different way they learn through imitation is mirror neurons. And so they're just going to take on that. And occasionally I'll be meditating as example. And Skye, my son will will come in the room. And rather than right, just be like, No, this is Dad's time to meditate. Just invite Him in. Right? And it's, it's, I don't know, I don't I just got taken out on meditation, which is like the way a lot of people approach this stuff. It's like, No, this is this is your meditation right here with with your son coming in the room, Adam. And so the, the opportunity right here is to just sit calmly, and just Hey, you wanna you want to be with me for a moment. And, and he'll do it. Occasionally, he'll just sit, he sits with me. And he's learned, he just brings his little hands into prayer position, he may do it for five seconds. And it because again, there's and then he walks out of the room, but it's my job not to get disappointed. If he leaves the room. Just allow him to just witness it and be like, okay, cool. That is just going to continue for a few more moments. And then I go back to my thing, and that was my that was my meditation that day, it was a gift I just gave him right by one not reacting initially through the interruption, assignment interruption through his appearance in my life. And then secondarily, when he was ready to go, allow him to go, don't try to handcuff him and say you have to do this, that is the surest way to get your child to run the other direction, whether it's any of these, these self care practices or anything else you're doing. These are free spirits. These are sovereign beings, who want to experience a level of autonomy, and they deserve that. And so that is also as you just said, part of our job is the parent to do the work on ourselves. So we can recognize when we want to almost put the shackle on the child say no, no, now sit here. You don't want to be longer than five seconds. What is that? No, be free. And same kind of thing with breathing things. You know, it's like in the moment occasionally, I will even say that, you know, dad is going to take a deep breath. Do you want to do want to breathe with me for a moment? And he'll he'll do it. Sometimes he does. Sometimes he doesn't. Again, I don't have an expectation that he should do it. But I want him to see me doing it. And I want him to see I even say it to him so he understands what I'm doing. And I said them and then we'll talk about this and then he'll see me coming from a different place versus in his face. Right because at to our nervous system. This big beat like think that's another thing I try to get fathers to do is is is an exercise is like literally put yourself when you're about to explode on your child. Put yourself in your child's shoes. If you had this big towering practice. Since screaming at you in this deep voice, which to our nervous system, signals threat, right? A low tone resonant tone that often men's voices have is a signal of threat. And so if we can actually a tool is like one, put yourself in your shoes, no one would like that. And you would be dysregulated. And then secondarily recognize, it's kind of like, it's like you talk to like this little pet that you would love. And as you speak, in a kind of a sing songy voice and way that slower, it incorporates more breaths, you're one not only changing your own nervous system, but their nervous system is responding a totally different way, when it's not coming from an evaluative or an evaluation space. Like I know what's right, and you are wrong to say, Wait, let's be here together. So that kind of exercise can be really valuable for fathers.

Curt Storring 50:57

Yeah, thank you, I love just like getting a sense of being in their shoes, one of the things that I started to do is, is kneeling down, even look into them to get II so that it's not the power struggle. And I heard before my third, my third is almost two. And I heard before he was born, someone saying, I wish I could remember the source, I'll try and look this up later put in the show notes. But someone said, Imagine that your child is like, basically on psychedelics all the time, because that's just the way that their their brain is wired at this moment. It's almost as though there's just DMT flowing all the time. And I just went like, holy smokes. Yeah, I know how that feels. And you know, what it would look like to me to feel safe in that sense. And that scenario, is like calm and slow, and just like really enveloping them in softness. And so when my third was born, it was a completely different experience in my first two when I didn't know any better. And man like the the differences that I see in his nervous system and his comfort and his level of attachment. It just, you know, has made a world of difference. So that's one other tip is just like, if you have an experience of that, if you know what that might feel like, imagine that like, especially for little kids, they just can't like they're in this state of So blasted openness, that everything is extreme. And one other resource I want to share with dads on this topic is on Insight Timer, I recorded a meditation that I came up with for actually getting in their shoes and not reacting in like an angry way. Because that was my biggest thing. I was angry. I was mean I was scary. And I've done a lot of repair work with that. But I started meditating on like, Okay, I'm going to meditate on what my kids do to trigger me, I'm going to have the most charitable idea of like, why they might be doing that. I'm going to visualize myself then going through the motions of how I want to respond. And then it's just like, it creates these neural pathways where I finally started doing that in real life. And so if that's, you know, something you struggle with, check it out on Insight Timer, I think just search Dad.Work meditation. But I wanted to just touch on this quote that you have on your site. And this is one of those things. And I said beforehand, before we were talking, I was had like, honestly, I almost had resentment for some of the guys in the space, the spiritual space who weren't fathers, who were saying things as though they knew how difficult this whole spiritual life can be. And I had huge judgment, because I was like, Man, you don't know what I'm talking about. But on your sight, you say, in my experience, it's infinitely harder to be Zen, when you're a parent, as compared to when you're single. There are just way more moving pieces. And this lands so hard. That's why I wanted to do this, because there's so much good men's work out there. But like men's work for dads like there's you and there's me and like there's not a lot of other guys. There's a few really great ones, but not enough because it is a whole other level. So do you have any more thoughts about that? Other than just like, I just wanted to put it out there? Because it's like validating? Yeah. For dads. Yeah. Like, this is hard as shit, man, this is so hard, especially to be doing it mindfully. Are there anything that comes up to sort of expand on that? Or do you just want to sit in?

Adam Brewer 53:56

Yeah, no, I love it. One, thank you for sharing it. I'm glad it resonated with you. I think that's again, why we're connected today. That type of synergy in thought. But what comes to mind is it's interesting this is I think one is perhaps one the most important job you will ever do. But the hardest job you will ever do. And as we said the moving pieces are, are always infinite. But when you're on your own, you can oftentimes control your environment with the kids. It's a different story. And it's from that space. I guess we're we're we're what's coming to me right now is the idea that when you're on your own if you're trying to what a lot happens for a lot of men, I'm speaking specifically of myself right now, when you're pursuing excellence and whatever you're doing, you'll you'll learn the framework of whatever it is you're trying to do. If it's athletics and you want to play tennis there are certain Things You have to do to play tennis. If if you are trying to become a decent at meditation or that make that a regular practice, you have to study the craft, so to speak, to become proficient and to be excellent. Yes, you could wing it. Yes, you could just kind of go like, I'm gonna figure it out as I go, kind of like if I go to the gym, same kind of thing, you could walk into a gym with noticing, I'm going to get there. That's my goal, I'm going to get fit, and walk into a gym with no plan. Now, eventually, you'll probably figure some things out. But if somebody was to work with you and say, Listen, there are basic fundamental elements, which act as grounding philosophies for how you can get to that place of fitness more efficiently, more effectively, more proficiently, with a level of confidence and competence. Fatherhood is really no different. And so somehow, when it comes to this stuff, even though those of us who have experienced it now recognize the magnitude of that which goes into this experience, if you want to be a conscious father, and care about what's going on, very few are ever really taught. The foundational elements of the thick types of things that we're talking about, right. And so we've been socialized into the way it's always been. And that is that authoritative, punitive model like Father Knows Best. And I'm going to do this kind of stuff. And so that's kind of what we're indoctrinated. And that's the default mode. If you do no work around this stuff, that's the default mode. And so as a father, when you were thrust into this space, where you will have curveballs thrown at you, like you've never even begun to understand. You can become more Zen, if you have a guiding philosophy or, or framework from which to work. It's kind of like Tom, I'm gonna use a sports analogy. Again, Tom Brady is considered one of the best quarterbacks of all times, he still learns, plays, he has a playbook, the back end, when he was with the Patriots, they had a way a system of doing things. Once he's learned the system, he's then able to have audibles, that frame center, he can make things happen, he can adapt on the fly. But the only way that happens is having foundational pillars that are in place. And then Tom Brady, can be Tom Brady, right or a pianist, once they learn the scales, right, they can, once they learn that, then when the heart of the music starts to come, and they can just create from from feeling and tone, but it has to have the scales there. And parenthood is kind of the same thing, where you can have a general framework. And that's kind of what what I do with conscious dads give fathers this framework that allows them to recognize there are ways of setting the foundation in place so that when the storm starts to come, and it will, it won't feel as overwhelming as it can on a daily basis. And it's essential to be willing to say, okay, hold on, I got to school myself in this a little bit. And in particular, I try to encourage people to say, especially new dads, or dad's to be it's it's vital, because these first seven years are essential to inputting belief systems, ways of thinking about life. And if you're all over the place, and desire and good chance he will be because we all are, your kids not going to have any sense of these these abilities to feel loved, to feel secure, to feel safe, to be held in a space that they can fully express.

You have to play a lot of catch up after those first seven years, and you're going to do a lot of damage repair. And that's tough. And that can be years and years and years of work for a child. I once heard, I think it was like a Jesuit priests kind of jokingly say you give me a child in the first seven years and you'll have a Jesuit for life. Because it's just like, you just you're in graining their belief systems, their ways of being. So if you can, if you can pause, especially when your child's yet to be born. In my case, I had no plan until after my child was born, I was like, now I have to pursue excellence. Now I want to school myself, I want to study from those who are more knowledgeable than I am who who are kind of speaking this language that I'm speaking and I want to learn from them. I want to learn the place and the ways of being called when it's needed and how to do that without the attachment of being perfect, because we're all going to mess up. We're all going to have these storms. And so if you can do that and you can just set that up, you're gonna give yourself an opportunity to set the game up to win. And again, I know it's a sports analogy, but that's something I come from my background in sports and it's it's something that we resonates with me and sometimes resonates with others. Not always. But because it's a challenge this thing we call parenthood.

Curt Storring 1:00:07

Thank you for all of that. And I'm curious one last thing, your what are some of those fundamentals? Like what are the scales that you teach fathers as pianists to, you know, learn the fundamentals and the basics so that they can then react in a way that's grounded to all the other curveballs coming out, can you share maybe just a couple of those what you teach dads of the fundamentals, sure.

Adam Brewer 1:00:27

One of which is, in general, that our children, when you when you think about it, we already said they are master teachers, right. And they are as connected to what I'm going to call spirit, as perhaps we will ever be on this planet, they as they come onto this planet, they express love, they express fluidity, they express curiosity, they express connection, and those things are our essence. And we have forgotten that on so many levels. As we spend more years on the planet, life happens, right? Stuff goes on, and it gets layered on. And we think we're these beings that are meant to like we said in the beginning, it is meant to be doing doing doing achieving, accomplishing, getting acquiring all of these things, and we've lost sight of some of the fundamental gifts of just being alive. And on so many levels, we try to almost squash that in our children, we try to train them to be a specific way, when in reality, they're basically they just don't have the words yet. But they're almost going like what are you doing, you know, to us. And if we can humble ourselves, and realize that it's like, as I say, I'm excited, you know, we're raising humans, we're not training animals, it's like, Let there be this, this fluid collaboration between you and your child. But yes, there are certain things we're going to have to teach our child, but open yourself up to my God, this is a reflection, this child that has come into my life is a reflection for me in the mirror to say, where can I let go of some of my rigidity, some of my angularity, where can I become more expansive? Where can I return to my essence, and start to get back to the core of my beingness. So one of those foundational principles is saying that listen, our children are as much our teachers as we are theirs, right. And then from that space, I would say another thing that I try to help people understand or encourage fathers to do, is is recognize this is, as I said, this is a sacred responsibility. We are stewards of the future of this planet. And so when I say it's a sacred, there's a reverence for this experience with my child, and helping fathers to recognize that as I said, this little being is divine. Right. And from witnessing my child is a divine being, hopefully, if I use that, as a reflection, I see my own divinity. And this is where that self work has to come in, I have to be able to look in the mirror first and foremost, and see myself as this divine being my God, there is like 50 trillion living cells inside my being. And in each one of those cells, I believe there are 100 trillion atoms or more atoms in an individual's cell, than there are stars in the sky, the cosmos out there is right here, when I look in the mirror, and if I can somehow get them to recognize this divinity, this inner play, and to begin to treat their child right with this, this level of reverence and love that as worthy of a divine being, maybe I'll start to give it to myself, right? Maybe I'll start to give it to myself. And if I can do both of those things, in concert, right, it's just becomes this like this awe inspired, jaw dropping opportunity. If if that can be at the back, right, the back of my consciousness when the storms go on, right? Where I've somehow through that, that connection of the divinity of self and child self a child, I learn to live in a space of awe and gratitude, way more often, on gratitude. One is a person but two is a parent, because it's like,

look at this, look at this opportunity I have right here right now. And that as as a guiding light all in gratitude can literally transform your parenting experience. It takes work, it takes work, but you you have to start with a fundamental principle that this is not just this little being that is there to annoy you aggravate you break you from your schedules take you out of your your ways of being that make you happy they are that they are all those things and more. And it's just it's just shape shifted, right? The energy shape shifted. Now it's not me, it's weak. And that's a significant jump in consciousness. And that's something that for my own life that had to happen, and that was a part of the breakdown, the dissolution of the small self to become this bigger entity was the movement from me to we, and I get bigger and more expansive in my capacity to love my capacity to love self and others. I don't know if that's practical, it might be too esoteric and woowoo. But that's what came to me right there.

Curt Storring 1:05:40

Man, beautiful. I really love that there's so many things in there that I'm like, I think I've written about that. I thought about that. I love that. So yeah, we're completely aligned on so many things. And yeah, Mike, Mike teachers, my children, I should say have been my biggest teachers, and I am so grateful for that. Because if you are looking for a spiritual path, man, you should have kids because they trigger the shit out of you. And like that, for me was where I found the areas of my life that needed fixing or healing or growing it was only because they provided the spotlight and yes, in the moment it's difficult but man am I grateful that you send the gratitude is enormous the odd that this can exist that I'm part of this life that I'm part of this circle of life but also this this long history of fathers and sons and daughters and like I am now part of the sacred like you said sacred institution cosmic like oh my goodness man, I'm just my heart my mind right now are feeling totally blown open. And I just love sharing this space with you so where can men find out more about these things? Where can they find the conscious principles? It's probably the the pillars of living as a conscious dad how can they work with you like give us give us the details are men can connect absolutely

Adam Brewer 1:06:54

the same The simplest is just to to check out the website conscious dads.com The information is there ways to reach out to me or their you know the Instagram you can just follow me at conscious dads and I'd also liked like you do which I love what you do is you you just connect dads to other sources and resources of just incredible information and because I believe it's a collaboration and and I love doing that for fathers as well just saying like hey man if you want to learn more about like positive parenting principles, here's the person to go to and just in school yourself in this stuff and literally just don't be afraid to be growth centric as a father just keep learning keep growing keep expanding and so that's where they can figure out where did you all that stuff unconscious dads calm and at the very least just reach out to me through that.

Curt Storring 1:07:47

Beautiful Okay, man Adam, I am so grateful This one feels real good. And I mean real kids. Thank you so much for spending the time

Adam Brewer 1:07:54

with my pleasure and thank you for taking the time to chat

Curt Storring 1:08:04

that's it for this episode. Thank you so much for listening. It means the world to find out more about everything that we talked about in the episode today, including Show Notes resources and links to subscribe leave a review work with us go to dad dot work slash pod that's di d dot w o RK slash pod. type that into your browser just like a normal URL, Dad dot work slash pod to find everything there you need to become a better man, a better partner and a better father. Thanks again for listening and we'll see you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai