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Today’s guest is Ian Lobas
We go deep talking about:
- Getting free of internal constraints and restrictions in our lives
- Making the most of your time with your children in order to avoid future anger and guilt
- Recognizing that there is more to being a man and a father than just hustling and sweating and providing for your family
- The distinction between figuring things out and solving things when working on yourself
- The need to work through trauma and past pain as a family
- Why it’s vital to investigate that one thing for which you are continuously blaming your parents and consider what you would have done in a similar situation.
- Clearing, illuminating and eliminating the things from your past with your parents
- Knowing your values and skills as an individual and why it’s vital to not compare yourself with others
- Recognizing and understanding the impact of your parents in your life now, as an adult
- Why it’s more important to understand that you inherently matter as a person, not just because of your persona or money you’ve made
A successful Entrepreneur, Investor, business builder, Conscious Thought Leader, Host of the worldwide top 1% rated Men On Purpose Podcast and full time Personal Performance Coach, Ian Lobas absolutely loves life and lives it very on purpose.
Mentioned on this episode:
Getting to Zero
The Relationship School Podcast
Men On Purpose Podcast
Find Ian online at:
Curt Storring 0:00
Welcome to the Dad work podcast. My name is Curt Storring, your host and the founder of Dad.Work. This is episode number 94 A growth and healing gameplan. For high performance dads with my guests in low boss, we go deep today talking about getting free of internal constraints and restrictions in our lives, making the most of your time with your children in order to avoid future anger and guilt. Recognizing that there is more to being a man and a father than just hustling and sweating and providing for your family. The distinction between figuring things out and solving things when working on yourself, the need to work through trauma and past pain as a family. Why it's vital to investigate that one thing for which you are continuously blaming your parents, and consider what you would have done in a similar situation. Clearing illuminating and eliminating the things from your past with your parents. Knowing your values and skills as an individual and why it's vital to not compare yourself with others. recognizing and understanding the impact of your parents in your life now as an adult, and why it's important to understand that you inherently matter as a person, not just because of your persona or any money you've made in your career. A successful entrepreneur, investor, business builder, conscious thought leader, host of the worldwide top 1% rated men on purpose podcast, and full time personal performance coach in low boss absolutely loves life and lives it very on purpose. You can find him online and his website in low boss.com. That's IANLOB a s or you can listen to his podcast. It's called the men on purpose podcast anywhere that you listen to your podcasts. Guys, this is a fantastic episode, Ian is just excellent at what he does. I felt very blessed to have him on the show. And I want to give a shout out to my friend Steven because he introduced us, Stevens a man in our men's group and he thought in and I would get along well and man, I'm just so grateful for that because he is a fantastic coach, man and father. So guys, we're gonna jump into this a quick reminder, if you've been getting any value from the show, would you please hop over to Apple or Spotify wherever you're listening. And just leave us a rating and review. This is literally the easiest thing you can do right now to help get this work in the hands of more dads. And guys, this is life changing work. This is world changing work. I want to live in a world that has dads doing this type of work to better themselves for themselves in their families. Because imagine 20 years from now, four years from now one or two generations, what the world will be like when we have more fathers doing the work to heal their past pain and trauma and raise children who are free from their generational pain. That's the world that I want to live in. And if you want to do that too, please leave us a rating and review on Spotify Apple or wherever you're listening. And guys if you don't follow me on Instagram yet I'm very active over there go to dadwork.curt on Instagram that's DADWORK.CURT With all that being said, let's jump into this episode within low boss. Let's go
alright, dads, welcome back to another episode of the data world podcast I am here with Ian Lobas and man, I'm excited to talk to you because we were connected by a a joint man in our lives. We both work with this man. And Steve, I'll just show you thank you so much my friend, because I think this is gonna be a very fruitful conversation for when listening. And man, I'm so excited about the work you do. Because it's relevant to me. And I wish I had someone like you along to help me do it rather than hitting my head against the same wall over and over. So actually, maybe that's a good place to start. Give us like a broad overview of like, you're just telling me your mission statement. Why don't we start there? And then I've got some questions about how we can help them in do that.
IAN LOBAS 3:16
Yeah, my mission is to Well, first of all, thanks for having me. I'm used to being on your side of the mic, hosting podcast. And so it's sometimes it's different. Thanks for having me.
Yeah, did the mission, you know, like we were talking about before we started recording, there's a Seneca quote that says without a port in mind, no wind or sea is favorable. If you don't know where you're going, how the hell do you know what to do? How do you know what moves to make? You know, how do you know what to say how to feel, what actions to take, and what path is good for you. And so what happens is we get lost, and we start doing the things that we think we're supposed to do. And one of the messages that we tell people is we help you quit living the life that you thought would make you happy. And we help you design and actually take action and live the life that you know will make you happy. And that goes along with my mission statement, which is to help to help 10 million people become free from internal constraint and restriction. And for the audience, like just think about restriction and constraints that you have internally, in your mind, in your heart in your body that you feel. There's the reason why we do what we do. The reason why we take the actions and the steps and the things that we do this because most people don't know why they're here. And they're just going through the motions that they think they're supposed to. And that was me, you know, maybe even like, let's say six years ago, I started personal development in 2013. Like really, you know, getting into it. And by 2016 I was running a very successful real estate sales practice, and doing some development and flipping and all the stuff that I thought I was supposed to do making insane money. And then my wife was like I think I want out of this. My, my daughter was a year old. And it was, it was kind of like yesterday, and at the same time was like a lifetime ago because the man that I was back then was loaded with restriction and constraint internally, based on what I thought people felt about me. I felt like an imposter. I felt like a loser. If I didn't make enough money if I wasn't a provider, who the hell am I? What's my purpose here? Why am I here? And so money was the driver. Money was the identity. And it was money, money, money. And I, my wife kept saying to me, like, you keep saying that you're doing this for your family, and that you're running this race for your family. Yet every time you have a checkpoint to come in, you know, grab a cup of water from, you know, me and your young daughter, like you run right past us. So your your audio is not matching your video, dude. And I know Dad's when you're listening to this, and you're like, Oh, my God, that's me. Oh, my God, what do I do? Well, the cool thing is, we're here to help you through it. And so I got really serious when my wife said to me, like, I think I want out, like divorce out. And it she said, like, Are you really the dude chokes me up? Are you Are you really the model of a man that you want your daughter to attract into her life one day if she chooses to write, because she has power of choice. And it broke me, like all the ego and bravado which was false, by the way, and false confidence that I had on the outside, I was melting inside every day, man, I was crying in my car, I was pissed off at myself. Like, and it melted me and she broke through to my heart. And she and I said, well, like, what am I supposed to do? I gotta provide for the family. She goes, You got to find the balance. And the most important thing you got to do is you got to find you inside of all this, because you're not a real estate agent. You're not the provider for the family. You're not a business owner and entrepreneur, you are you. And she goes, the hardest part for me is I know who you are. And that's why I married you. You don't know who you are. And that's why I want out. And I was like, Oh, man. Okay, so what am I going to do, like, roll out on my family because I'm like, a coward. And I don't want to commit to the finding out what those internal restrictions and constraints are in those struggles and actually face them. Um, this is why men go out and play golf for 20 hours a weekend and watch football for eight hours and smoke and drink and gamble and have porn addictions, like, those are what I call angles of avoidance. And, and it was, it wasn't until I started removing or eliminating those angles of avoidance, and started facing myself every day and the stuff that I was really scared to face inside. That's when the real change started happening. It's actually coming from a slowdown, and a patience versus a speed up and a crank and crashing grind. And that's those are dangerous words in our society, grind and hustle. They're almost like profanity, because of what they do to people. And it's almost unconscious, like to keep up with the herd, you got to hustle and grind and outwork your guy next to you in the cubicle, or, you know, outwork this real estate agent. Yet? What are you actually neglecting? By doing that, by not finding out who you are by not being the man that you're supposed to be the father, the husband, the model? A we call a model of a man on purpose? Like, what are you actually doing? How are you affecting the world? Because it's not positive. It's not positive. You know what I mean?
Curt Storring 8:31
Yeah, man, thank you for sharing that. That's an incredible story coming from your wife to notice all that. And if we just listened a little bit more guys, if you just listen to the subtle or not so subtle cues like this, because I have a similar story. We were living in Bulgaria at the time. And I was just miserable. And I was playing out all of my, you know, coping mechanisms, if you're well, which basically, were yelling, I didn't want to feel what I was feeling inside. And so I would yell because it allowed me to control the situation. And the point got, it got to the point where my wife was like, I'm going back to Canada with the kids. What is wrong with you, dude. And thankfully, it was followed up with like, I see, this is hard. And I'm here for you. And this has to change. So it was empathetic, it was validating. And there was a boundary set. When I look back, I go like, man, she was great at doing this for me, because it was the thing that I needed to actually make the change. It was one of the number of like, you know, scraping the bottom moments in my life. And it's just really profound and beautiful to listen to that, how it affected you. And I want to go back a little bit to constrictions and restraints, and maybe just outline what some of those things can be because I think you've touched on some of them. But I wonder if we can go through what you mean by that. Because guys might be like, Yeah, I don't think I really feel great, but like, I don't know, I don't know what feelings are. And I think we're sort of like pinpointing those guys. Or at least that's what I think we tend to work with the guys who are like, you know, crashing Get in the grind culture, but really lacking in the heart culture. So what what other things are constraints and restrictions that you see?
IAN LOBAS 10:10
I mean, having 50 million desires. And I think people don't understand they think desire is like the positive stuff that you want or like desire this big business or a lot of money or the big house, yet, so much of our mind is constrained and restricted by the by probably hundreds of desires, we have a day and they can be I wish my coffee was warmer, I wish my, my, my neighbor's dog didn't poop on my lawn. I wish my wife were hotter, I wish I had less belly fat, I literally think about that I wish my car was faster. Like, all over the place, I wish this line was shorter, those are desires that are clogging up our brain. Yet on the other side of that is also the fears and the pain from the past that we got to deal with. You know, start with mom and dad, like, we're gonna get real deep and psychological here, mom and dad mess you up, whether they change you up and beat you, or they loved you too much and bought you too many toys, they damaged you. And your brain, in your programming in your cells. It formed protection methods. And when we get older, you know, like your yelling or my like ignoring, and like neglecting and yelling to impact then those are things that are output, yet they come from the restrictions inside that said, like, I don't want to figure out who I am, I don't want to try and get to know me because that's a scary place. I'd rather grind it and hustle it, I'd rather be the provider identify with my job, right? I know guys are sitting there with their mouths open going, Oh my God, that's me. Right? They're gonna do that this whole thing. Because we know you guys, we know you. We are those guys. You're talking, you got two guys out here talking Who were those guys. And the difference between us and guys who want to be more evolved. It's just a flat out 100% Or nothing commitment to the work to doing the work in here. I mean, you can have restrictions and constraints on like literally anything internally that restricts you, that brings up anxiety, depression, panic, fear pain, that you feel like somebody who yells really loud, and it triggers you because your dad yelled really loud, and then you, you go back harder, or you avoid people like that, or loud noises or public, you know, situations where there's a big crowd, these are all restrictions and constraints that are on the inside. Sometimes they just manifest on the outside. And so one of the things that we have in our programs is what I call The Purpose Driven formula, which is illuminate or become aware of eliminate, get rid of calibrate dial in and then accelerate, and it has to go like that you can't skip steps, you got to understand what's restricting and constraining you from being the true person that you're supposed to be. Because here's the deal, the clock never stops, it never stops. And when we have kids, the seasons end. And we will have to face the regret and the depression, of knowing that a season has ended with our children. And we did not get out of our own way to be really present with them. And to take advantage of that. And so when my daughter turned one and all this stuff happened, all I could think was and like I my wife said, how many diapers? Did you change how many times you need to give her a bath? How many times did you feed her dinner, and I think I could count maybe on both hands in a year. Now I know dads are going on and really feel connected to my under one year old. Totally get that right, totally get that, however, a season ends, and then it become a toddler and they start walking. And are you prepared for the season to end. And for you to have to deal with that resentment of yourself or regret, or depression or anxiety or pain or whatever that you feel like that's what you have to illuminate. And when you do that and you become aware of what you will feel in the future, then you have to weigh out the pain levels, right put them on the scale. One is the pain of the future regret, and one is the pain of not doing it now. And I'm pretty sure that the pain of future regret is going to be big, which then tips the scale for you to take action now. And when you can't take action now what's not that you can set your won't like that will will pinpoint the things that we have to work on in ourselves to be unrestricted to to take a Saturday morning and just spend it with our kids doing nothing. In the meanwhile our minds are like oh my god, this sucks. This isn't productive. I should be productive. Or like, you know, I live in LA close to the beach. I cut out it my family's not here. They're in Baltimore right now. I cut out at
230 Hurry, go pick my daughter up from school and we go to the beach. And people go, you don't work past 230 to go, No, I don't. Because I'm not missing that season of life. Nothing's more important than that season of life. I got a bro breakfast every day with my son, he's two, he won't remember that. I'll remember that. And I'm the one that's going to think later on when he's five or 10. And you don't want to do a bro breakfast every day with me that I missed that season. And I can never get that back. And I will have to deal with that. And so guess what, you just put another restriction, another constraint on your life by not doing the shit, you know, you're supposed to do now, because you're afraid. Or you think you're supposed to be hustling and grinding, or working? Or, you know, our culture from school age is designed to constantly compare and constantly beat out the other people. So of course, you're programmed like that. Why wouldn't you be programmed like that if you went to a regular old school? And I just I wasn't willing to live with those regrets anymore. I just what they were piling up. And I just wasn't willing to do that. So I started to illuminate and understand what was that what it was that was restricting me and, and I began to eliminate it and replace it with the things that did. Starting with telling my clients like this is when I'm off. Like, you can't get me on a weekend, I stopped working weekends as a real estate agent for any real estate agents listening. They're like, Oh, you're crazy. My business doubled. It doubled. When I started putting restrictions and constraints on my exterior life, I freed up the ability to free up restrictions and constraints in my internal life.
Curt Storring 16:40
That is, man, all of that I am so pumped that you're saying this because it's like, oh, I can give someone else someone to listen to not me. Because I feel like I'm out here saying this stuff. Go back to mom and dad go back to all the things that scare you spend the time with your kids, because you're not gonna get it back make these choices. It's like, Oh, my goodness, like you're, I'm going to start sending people to you, man, like one on one stuff. I don't even care what else you do, because it's already like, you know, you're talking about dude, what? Okay, I want to go so many directions here, please. Just like so suddenly, I'm energetic. You know, I came back from Tanya. Dead had a terrible sleep, terrible logistical nightmare. And now I'm like, Okay, let's dial in. So I want to know, maybe first to illuminate what your story was, and what sorts of patterns and conditioning and wounds and traumas you yourself had to go through to get to where you were. And I also want to touch on that piece that you just said, which is putting the constraints externally. Because man, there's a book by a guy called Jason Gattis I've had on this podcast, it's called getting to zero. And he suggests that we create internal conflict in place of external conflict. And you could simply free that up by having the external conflict. And we just don't because we're scared. And that's that's the whole point of the book. Like here's how to actually do it. You get the internal conflict getting rid of by making it external so this dude just like paradigm change for me put more boundaries and restrictions on the external world you free up your internal world, so maybe we can go What's the story? Like what did you have to work through? Illuminate that for us? So guys are like Oh, shit, I see that my life. Yeah. And then I don't know if there's more to say they're on the external market, like, foundries dude, what do you what do you mean? So? Take that however you want it. I can give you a little prompts along the way if you want. But managers, I love this. Go for it.
IAN LOBAS 18:28
Yeah. Yeah, let me start with mom and dad, like anybody that knows me knows that my my dad is extremely close with my dad. He's a mentor, a guide to conflict I like he's always I have a tattoo on my arm that says limitless possibilities. And it was because he used to say to me, like inside your head is limitless, the outside world is going to put limitations on you and tell you what you can and can't do what you're capable of and not capable of. Yet it's up to you to believe them or not yet, inside of you is limitless. And that's and that's true. And so we had that yeah, we also had my dad, who was what you get you to call workaholic. And later we found out and kind of discovered like an alcoholic too. And obviously when you're a kid you don't understand. And by the way, audience I'm not outing my dad, I'm it's all stuff he talks about on my podcast. You know, I didn't get that when I was a kid. So my dad was like, always made time for me. And he always said to me, like do run, run the leash out as long as you want to just understand that there's a line you don't cross and I thought that was really beneficial for me. And then there was also the other side which was this like real anger challenges, like, not anger management, like just anger issues, big issues. That made me really afraid of not of Him. Because it was just very Trouble. It made me afraid of other men who were loud. And still to this day, that's why I mentioned earlier still to this day, if there's a guy with like a deep voice who yells close to me, like my body goes on high alert. And it's not a it's not a conscious thing. It's unconscious. And so I think that's probably it. Plus I watched my dad hustle and grind like my dad was a you work 14 hours a day you hustling grind for your family, that's your job. Which, why wouldn't you think that that's what his dad taught him. And that's there was nothing wrong with that, it just didn't serve Him as great as it could have. Now, I want to fill the audience in on why my dad was a workaholic, and an alcoholic. When his mom died when he was 11, he'd ever dealt with it. And so hustle and grind kept him from dealing with the internal pain. Like for any of you audience that is doubting that, look at some of your challenges and traumas of your parents, and, and look at how they manifested in you, because they're your first model, you absolutely are going to model your parents like it is what it is, or whoever your caretakers are when you're young. And then it was really cool. Just a side note, what's really cool, is my dad is in very parallel line with me, he stopped drinking, the year that I got real serious about personal development, like really serious. And him and I are on a parallel track 30 years apart, right? He's He's 68, I'm 3930 years apart, we are growing together. And what I realized, when my dad's business wasn't doing well, in 2011 2012, and that whole economic downturn was that he stopped working on himself, he stopped growing. And subsequently since then, what I've learned is your business, your life, your relationships, your money, it all grows to the extent that you do. It's it is 100% fact, you cannot deny it, or go hustle and grind, yet hustle and grind is not sustainable. And even if you're listening, and you'd be like, Wow, man, I've been a hustler and grinder for 30 years, I guarantee you that the other side of that coin, there is a lot missing, broken, damaged relationships, self health, money, there's something damaged there, you might have the money, do you have the relationship? Do you have the relationship with your children. So I learned that and in 2014, and committed to personal development as hard as it is. And, you know, I've used plant medicine to help me get deeper. And then the other side of that is my mom who came from a family that, frankly, didn't give a shit about her. And my mom's an incredible woman, very strong, very powerful, very insecure, smart, you know, medical professional, like very smart, yet really lacks the self confidence that she needs to push herself through this, this world and the pain inside really stops her a lot. And so I dealt with a mom who was had a lot of challenges with her family with her parents and divorce. And unfortunately, that kind of bled through to me. And there was a lot of conditions placed on a lot of things. And I learned that love and trust are conditional, not unconditional. And again, if my mom's listening this Mom Don't get crazy with it. This is just stuff that I've discovered. And we can we can we can grow on this together. Like I've grown from it, it's I don't resent it i That's a part of my story. It's a part of your story. It's it's just illuminated, I have to illuminate everything, every dark corner of the room, we got to illuminate and, and I feel like my mom was always in a phase of, of working on herself, which is like trying to figure things out versus solve. And there's a big difference between figuring things out and solving things, big difference. And so you take a mix of that plus only child and you got all the challenges that I have. And what's interesting is we've worked together as a family through a lot of those things. And there's still some that we have to work on. And you know, there's still stuff we're discovering even even this morning, I discovered some things about my when I was born that that I've been holding sort of against my mom yet, who the hell am I to hold that against her when I never was compassionate to think what was she actually going through during those times. So, guys, if you're listening really intently and you've got your pen out, just understand that what you blame your parents for, you actually need to look and see what would you have done if you were in their situation today and have some compassion toward how they reacted or you know what they built from that or the you know, whatever came from it result was, you owe it to him. And I think clearing and illuminating and slash eliminating the things from your past with your parents will free you from those internal constraints so that you have more possibility and availability in your current present life right which creates your future. So that's a little bit about my story. I mean, I was a, I worked for my dad my whole life, until I was 29, got out of college, worked for my dad's shipping company loved it love being with him every day building something with him. But I realized that I got into business with my dad, because I never had the confidence that I could actually build what he built and make the type of money that I was able to generate with him. I never had the confidence. And I learned this later, by the way, I just didn't think I could do it. I wasn't as smart as he was, I didn't understand how he ran these big businesses. And it's interesting today, because I run a big business, and I help people build businesses, and personal development and get out of their own way for a living.
And then I left in 2012, and started teaching swimming lessons for 10 bucks an hour, because I gave up I thought I was a loser, I would never make make anything of myself. Because guess what, that's what school program me to think. Add, I was always the bad kid in class, I was always easily distracted, I wasn't gonna amount to anything. And school made me believe that. So when I left my dad's business, which is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, my dad was so supportive. I just felt like, That's it, like any chance of success is kind of gone. I can only do it with my dad. And so I was married for like, maybe maybe six months. And I said to my wife, I think, you know, my buddy at the grocery store offered me a job stocking bananas. It comes with benefits. And I thought I was I was like, for real. By the way, I've never written a resume. I've never had a job. So I don't know what it's like to work for somebody. I've always been programmed to be an entrepreneur, it's my dad said, Don't ever work for somebody, you're an entrepreneur. And my wife said to me, I didn't sign up for that. And for anybody that knows my wife, she's very calm, very cool. She doesn't get like a big head about anything. And I was like, What are you going to sign up for what and she goes on to marry a loser. And I said, Well, stocking bananas doesn't make you a loser. And she said, I gotta gives up on his dreams does. Another like pow, my, my wife is, is the biggest influence in my life positive. My wife is the reason for my success. She is my rock like, and I'm not saying that kiss her ass. She knows this. Without my wife's belief in me. I still be stuck bananas. Like, I didn't have any confidence in me. I borrowed it from her. Because some reason she had unwavering trust and confidence in my ability and my capability. I did. So I got my real estate license, and went out and started what I call crack rock real estate. I took over every corner, I pushed all the dealers out, I was hard. I was aggressive. I had a lot of skill and talent. For my dad's business. I was selling shipping all over the world. And I went out hard. My house was in foreclosure. My cars were getting repoed my wife just lost her job. And three weeks into my real estate career, I melted down had a full panic attack that I was having a heart attack, gave up, call my mom and said I'm committing myself to a loony bin. No joke. This was almost 10 years ago, I couldn't do it. I was so pressured from the outside, which was affecting me inside that I had to be this guy, I had to be successful, I'd be nobody. And by the way, guys, here's the trajectory. You're not successful. You don't have any attention, no attention, no approval, guess what means you're not, you're not important. And when you're not important, it means you're not loved when you're not loved, you think you're gonna die. And that's it. And that's how I felt. And so I drove myself to the loony bin, and my mom met me there, give me a couple Xanax has calmed me down. And my dad said, Dude, you got to figure out what you want from this business. Don't worry about what other people are doing this. This is a death sentence. comparing yourself to others is a death sentence. What's your value? What's your skill? How are you going to help these people stop thinking about money, start thinking about how you're gonna help your clients. And my business grew and grew and grew. And then I realized that it wasn't for me, I was in it for the money for the approval for the attention for the affection for the love for the Look at me. I'm number one. And then I started really buckling down on on personal development after that, after December of 2016. And I started releasing the expectations I had on my real estate business. And I started really heavy duty coaching other people for free. And I realized that my calling is to help guide and mentor and coach people. Because I was doing that in real estate. And I was anytime by the way, this little trick of the trade. Anytime I ever learned anything in personal development or real estate systems or tools or anything, I go back and teach it to somebody every freaking time. Because I wanted to put that pressure on myself to not be one of those coaches. That is a book Regurgitator which by the way, you know if it's you, you're a book Regurgitator and in my mind, you're shortchanging people write to me, mental purpose firstname.lastname@example.org I'll have a conversation with you about that if you're a book Regurgitator, you're shortchanging people. If you're not doing the work yourself, and you weren't, you're not able to stand on stage and teach what you know, confidently and move people in that audience. Like, you're not doing it right, in my opinion, in my opinion. And so the journey was like hardcore. And my wife's like, this is what you're supposed to do. When I see you in real estate sales, you're miserable. When I see you coach, somebody, you're alive, you're electric. And so it just kept growing, and it kept growing. And then I realized in 2019, like I need to start podcasting, I need to start talking. And so I asked my buddy, if I could start hosting his podcast called Real Estate rockstars, which by the way, was 150,000 downloads a month, like a big podcast. And he gave it and he didn't give it to me, he gave me the microphone and, and I was the host for like, a year. And then the next year, the mental purpose brand came to me and we started building that and the coaching business took off again, and, and that's the, that's the that's the overview story. That's the overview story. The number one thing that I did in there was constantly worked on me constantly sought development improvement of me facing this stuff, that it was scary facing the fears, talking to my parents about stuff that I had resentment with, which is not easy yet, want to eliminate. Because you have to, you can't, you can't sit on the same chair someone's sitting on, they have to be up for you to sit on it in the way that you really want to. So it was a it was a it was a commitment that I made that was unwavering. Committed to personal growth and development, or die. That was it.
Curt Storring 31:46
Man, thank you so much for sharing that. That's all. It was,
IAN LOBAS 31:50
it was long winded?
Curt Storring 31:51
No, do one of the things I was thinking about is like, okay, it yes, it's taking time. And what I want to say to all the guys listening is there were so many things in there that were nuanced that you probably missed, if you don't know what you're looking for. So from understanding the impact of your parents on your life, to understanding that what we all crave, most of all is acceptance and love and that it feels like you're dying, if you don't, to continually putting in the work to looking deeper or to like noticing how you feel like, dude, how many people stay in the real estate game and hate it. And they're just like, I don't know, because it's like, they can't even access that part of their being where it feels bad. So guys, I just want to like, I want to reiterate that that was purposeful. I mean, obviously, in retrospect, I can say it's purposeful, but it's purposeful on my end, because there was so much in that if you know how to listen. So go back and listen to the story that he just told, because guys, there's a lot in there. And I guess what I'm interested in is I've got other than millions of notes now. You said figuring out versus solving, I want to talk about like the external versus the internal. But I wonder like, the how, because when I hear about like, I was always doing the work. For me, that was like, Dude, I was meditating. I was doing plant medicine, I was doing journaling. I was doing breath work, I was doing like cold plunging every day I was doing, you know, all these sorts of things like working with coaches, men's group, like reading books, like literally everything, it was a full time job. When I look back on my deepest moments of inner work, it was a full time job. And I can see where my relationships suffered, I can see where my business suffered. And thank God they did, because now I'm here. But what sorts of things were most impactful to you? Did you use coaching? Did you have any group work? Did you do you know, trainings or courses? Like what was it that really got you because I want to just sort of frame this a little bit. There's the intellectual side was okay, I understand, you know, my parents did the best they did. And there's the emotional side, which is like, Yeah, but I, like I wanted to feel better when I was a kid, fuck you. And there's like this emotional aspect of it. So in that container of the intellectual versus the emotional, Could you walk us through a thing, a few things that were most impactful for you?
IAN LOBAS 34:09
I mean, look at it at a certain point, you got to make a choice, you got to hold on to that shift from your past, or you're going to let it go to actually free you up. Right? It's it's restriction and constraint again, are you going to have a relationship with your parents that are that is tarnished and restricted and, you know, not evolved as much as you can? And then guess what, your parents are gonna die, that season of life is going to end and you're never gonna get that shit back. And those are your parents, the people that brought you into this world. Like, I don't care what your parents did to you, I don't care what they did to you. Is your choice whether you want to let that shit go or not. That's elimination. That's your choice. So soapbox over so you're asked about the like the almost like grinding and personal development like, Man, I got a five hour morning routine. I'm doing cold showers and I'm journaling and I'm meditating.
Look, here's what I'll tell you. I went through this program once. And this is where I learned elimination over acquisition is key. So there has to be an intention with those activities that you're doing. I read 65 books in 2016. And at the end of the year, my wife wanted to divorce me. I did two hours, two and a half hour morning routine. Every morning, I was taking cold showers. I was jumping in cold lakes, I was doing acupuncture, I was I was I was meditating, I was breath working. And my wife wanted to divorce me, I was more miserable than ever. Yet. My business was doing seven figures a year. So I guess he is a hero right now, because he was miserable. And guess what, guys? If you want the secret to how you unlock this, ask yourself this question. Do I fucking matter? Do I actually care about me? Because the answer is probably not. And that's why the money matters. And that's why the money is your identity. And the data is your identity and the parent and the and the husband and the Son, and the business owner and the golf player and the church attendee, and I watch football on Sundays. That's your identity. But when it comes down to it, what you really have to ask yourself is, why am I not doing this work? And the answer is, one, you might not trust yourself. So ask yourself that, do I trust me? And do that shit for real? And answer the question, most of you need to answer, which is no. And then say, Do I actually think I'm worth it? And then answer the question for real? And the answer is probably no. And that's where you start. And when you set intentions, with your personal development, with your breath, work with your meditation with your cold showers with whatever, like now you are eliminating all the other distractions, and the universe and your brain and everything can now focus on what is it right in illuminate? What is it? That makes me not trust me? Where did I find that? What makes me not feel worth it? Where can I find that in my past? And then guess what? You get to make a choice, whether you're going to eliminate it or not, whether you're going to stop carrying it through your life, making your life about this. I'm this, I was neglected as a child, I didn't get attention. My brother got a toy over me. Well, now you get to make a choice where you're gonna let that shit go. Because if you don't let it go, you're gonna carry it. And guess what it is restricting new stuff from coming in? The universe cannot deliver what's in the way? Right? It can't, it just can't. So two and a half hour morning routines. And my wife wants to divorce me, I'm more miserable than ever, and I have more money than I've ever had. And I realized that I was trying to figure it all out. Well, figuring it out is perpetual. You can be on figuring it out forever. There are 80 year old people, they're still in therapy going, I'll figure it out. One of my idols Howard Stern, genius, tortured, figuring it out therapy three times a week for over 30 years. How the hell does he still think this way? He does? Well, the reason is because he never made a choice to eliminate. He still has all these problems with his parents. He still to this day talks about the damage and the neglect his dad had with him. Make a choice, make a choice? Do you want to continue to be the person that you are not the person you're meant to be? And live the way you're going to live and face the regret you're going to face and be the dad that you are and be limited? Or are you going to make a choice, I'm gonna make a fucking change today. And I'm in charge of that, because I'm worth it. And I trust myself to actually take myself through it. That's your call dudes. That's your call. No one else can do that. Not me. Not Curt, not mom, not wife, not dad. Now you can lean on your wife or your partner or your parents for guidance or for that confidence. Like I said I was lacking however, it's up to you to make the choice to get into action. And when you set intentions for your action, you will get intentional results. That's it to keep personal development simple. It's as simple as eliminate, eliminate, calibrate, accelerate, What's stopping me? How do I get rid of it? How do I dial in a new formula and go think about this as simple. It's literally that simple. So I feel you on that morning routine man and all that stuff. And I think what's lacking is intentionality. It's, I think it's like a Keeping Up with the Joneses. It's like all these freaking guys that call me about real estate investing in multifamily. And I'm like, How do you know what's right for you? It's everybody, my groups doing it. Okay, cool. And I'm not one of those guys. It's gonna go well, if everybody jumped off a bridge, would you do it? I don't care about that. Like, it's not the same thing. And and I say like, Well, what about you and all that, like, what do you want? What makes you happy? What actually fulfills or serves your goals? Is it the catalyst of multifamily real estate investing, or is it building businesses? Or is it investing in the stock market and crypto like whatever is to build your your passive, you got to choose for you gotta choose for you. And if it if you choose wholeheartedly what the rest of your group is doing great. If not, don't be afraid that they're gonna cut you cut you out because you didn't go along with the, with the masses. And so like that kind of brings me to a point about inner circle, the people that you're surrounding yourself with now, they probably aren't the most serving in your life, they're probably pleasing you, they're probably telling you what you want to hear. And I have an exercise called the 10 domains, which we go through these 10 domains of our life, and one of them is inner circle. And so one of the elimination pieces, or many elimination pieces or mindset, habits, behavior, attitude, beliefs, friends, inner circle, like, this is the stuff you got to eliminate, because your life is being held back. Like, here's the best analogy that I've got. If you've ever heard of Michelangelo's David, Michelangelo was quoted and again, I don't know if this truth like I told you about my last name. I don't know if this story is true. It sounds cool. And I'll go with it. Michelangelo was asked by somebody, how did you create the David? And he said, I didn't create the David. I just chipped away the pieces of marble that weren't David. And they said, Well, why did why did you choose that like, dirty, gross looking piece of marble that all the other sculptors in town passed over? And he said, because I knew I was shipping the pieces away. That Inside was a pure Carrera marble man already in there. I didn't have to think about how to carve David, I just had to think about how to carve things that weren't David, take them away. Guys for your life. That is you. That's us. That's me and you, as everybody. We're not changing ourselves. We just have to eliminate the shit. That's not us. And the real. So just be standing there. That's your job. That's your obligation to your kids. It's a dad's podcast. You want to get real serious, like go look at your children and tell them I'm not willing to dig deep into myself to be the best dad that I possibly can be. And deal with that shit. Seriously, deal with that. See how that comes up. And you feel in you, you know? How it how it hits you. Somebody's gonna get something from this podcast that I do. somebody's life is changing today. I love it. I freaking love it.
Curt Storring 42:21
Like, I love it. I love it too, man. The last podcast you were on man, you're saying how like firewalls and how flow he was. And I think you have just brought all of that. Because I'm getting I'm personally getting so much from this man. And there's so much from what you just went through that is relevant. Like I've talked about this on the podcast before as well, the last episode we did with Tim Corcoran before this, we talked about the idea of be and then do and then have not the other way around. Because a lot of guys build their lives on, here's what I want to have. Here's what I want to do. And then like, mostly not even like who I want to be. So when I'm going through, like what is my goal for the year, I still love doing, you know, goal setting and 10 years out and breaking it down and all that kind of stuff just to make sure that I got a plan. But my plan involves personal work and involves what kind of man I want to be What kind of father I want to be working a husband I want to be. And I really appreciate what you said with the intention behind all of the stuff that we do. Because I was the type of guy for years when I found this. And I use the the work so to speak as a crutch. Because I didn't even know up to this point that I had a broken leg if you will, you know, this is my soul. This is my inner self that was just busted. And so when I found these tools like meditation is like slap them all on man, band aids, crutches casts whatever I need to stop hurting so bad. And it wasn't until I actually had a failure in my life and being a perfectionist, a nice guy guy who didn't push himself very hard because, well, I pushed myself very hard, but didn't like shoot for the stars. Because if I failed, I was a piece of shit, worthless, nothing. And I'm sure that you relate with a lot of the guys that you work with. If I fail, I am nothing if I am not perfect. If you see a chink in the armor, I am literally worthless, unlovable. I should just die. That's what my thought process was. It wasn't until I actually failed. And I actually put myself out there and I was like, Okay, I I guess I'm just gonna die now because this is the worst feeling I've ever had. It wasn't until the aftermath of that. Thank goodness for the circle of influence. Or the circle. I can report what you call it the inner circle. Pardon me? Yeah, around that. That allowed me to sit with it because I actually did slow down. And when I sat with it, and when I slow down and when I asked why I was feeling so badly, didn't really matter. Like I still had money in the bank. I still had all this runway still like nobody hated me. It's like, why does this feel so bad? And it was like, oh, man, everything I had been running from slammed into me because I finally stopped. And so I think a lot of guys who are the a type gogogo can probably relate to that. You probably haven't slowed down enough to feel literally anything. So use Ian's intent with what you're doing slow down, take that time, like you said, to go pick up your kids and sit with it. And we have this phrase in men's work, which is basically note own, and then transform. And it sounds like it's very similar with what you're talking about where you go, like, oh, yeah, this is true. Oh, shit, I definitely own that this is true. And like, I get this now. And then it's the choice man. And we talk about this all the time in men's work. I can't do it for you, you got to do it yourself. But there's this moment where you get to choose transform, drop alchemize or fucking, like, get on with totally and continue on. Because I see so many guys on sort of the flip side of this, who are so deep in this work? You know, they've gone from the oh, I'm going to be like a fucking grinder, hustle, whatever. They're going to Gary Vee. And now they're like conscious flow, bro. Yeah, like, I just like, I don't know, I can never get there. I just have to, like, keep doing the work, I have to keep peeling back the layers. And at some point, you're gonna say enough's enough and like, start living your fucking life. And I think that's what you're getting at, if I'm not mistaken, with the soul versus figuring out is that correct?
IAN LOBAS 46:10
Yeah. Yeah, I will set an intention to solve now setting an intention to figure out figuring out like I said, it's perpetual motion. Not not motion. That's actually really good. It's like cyclical. And the cycle is, you know, I've used plant medicine to really get deep, like, do deep work. And I know people that have done like, hundreds of plant medicine ceremonies, and I'm like, What are you doing here? Like, it's Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart has a great bit. That goes, you'll see a guy in the gym, who like has every muscle that's like on the anatomy, you can see every striation he goes to your one, like, why are you coming back, you want to stop coming back here, you beat the game, you beat the game, like, get out. So like, there is there is this, this cyclical thing where, again, it's fear and pain that kind of holds people back. And when you set an intention with the work that you're doing, like you will solve, you won't keep figuring it out and figuring it out. I'm working on my cell. It's another one. I'm working on myself. No, you're not. No, you're not you're doing it because you think that's what you're supposed to do. Now, you're still going along with the with the with the Joneses, not the flow, big difference, big difference. So like this morning, I'm reading this book called, it didn't start with you deep, like deep stuff. And I set an intention, like I'm by myself, my family's back out east, like by myself, my house in LA, I don't have to get up at 5am. I do that for me, because I'm worth it. I'm worth it. And I you know, got right into doing some like warmup exercises. So I can get into a lotus position, which by the way, lotus position is the first piece of suffering that I do for the day. Like think about it, lotus position hurts. So I'm training myself that suffering is okay. Like, I don't I'm not scared of suffering. I'm not I'm not nervous about it. I can put myself into suffering. And I can work through it because it's my choice. But I set an intention for I'd like to really get deep today and understand my mom's choices clear. And not like judge or push or like
resent I want my I want to understand I want to have more compassion. So in the intention setting, I don't set what I'm going to do kind of like you said, Be do have it's not it's not have to be its be do have I set an intention. Who do I want to be right now? Who do I want to show up as? And the answer is compassionate, understanding. Trustworthy. Okay, cool. Set the intention. Now I go into my meditation and my breath work. Now I know why I'm there. Right? It's a Seneca quote, without without a port in mind, no wind or sea is favorable. So you can do breathwork and meditation all day. But if you don't understand what it's what it's doing, and you will have an intention with it, you're just doing shit. And it will not serve you and you will be working on yourself forever. And you will be in perpetual spin motion. Yet that's not linear, right? Life's linear. We want linear we want linear growth, not spin. And so it's just a it's just a it's it's a choice after a choice after a choice. You want to keep living the life you're living awesome. Stop complaining about it and stop telling people you're working on yourself. Like if you want to make changes make the changes and for guys that that that are like yeah, I don't know if that's really for me to stop complaining about your life. Just embrace that shit. Embrace it like embrace the dad you are embrace the husband you are embrace that you have a shitty job or that your business sucks and you hate it and whatever, like embrace it, stop complaining about it, or shift your mindset to doing the work being in it setting intentions and action. The understanding what you're supposed to get from it, right? And knowing who you are in the work, like when I take a cold shower, I effing hate cold showers. Yet what I'm being is present and grateful for hot water, like I'm in a constant motion forward of presence, process and gratitude, presence, process and gratitude. And I know that when I am grateful as hell for the life I have in this moment, and what I've built, when I trust the process, and I'm present in this moment, I know everything that I want, life is going to come naturally just gonna come because of who I'm being and how I'm showing up not what I'm doing. Presence process and gratitude actually is not doing anything. It's just trusting the process. Being present, you don't have to do anything in those things. Now, you kind of have to do something for like gratitude, like, be grateful. And maybe you're like, saying gratitude statements in your head, maybe that's the due part. However, you can be in process, you can be grateful, and you can be present. And I want to make sure that it's being that comes first at all times, all times. So for those guys that are like, Man, this is gonna be hard. Yes, it will. Yes, it will. And isn't your life worth it? When you look in your children's eyes? Isn't that worth it? Like, come on, guys. This isn't like a, this isn't a motivational speech here. This is this is me looking into my wife's eyes and saying like, Are you really that measure? Like I said earlier? Like, are you really the measure of a man you want your daughter to attract in your life? Are you really who you truly want to be? Are you hiding from from something? Are you hiding behind something? Are you confused and scared and running like that? And the answer was, yeah, and I didn't want to do that anymore. I didn't want to be that anymore. So you make a conscious decision, you set intentions. And you just sit tight and the universe will take care of the rest. I'm a full believer universe has never failed and will never fail. If you get out of the way. The challenge is most of us are in our way so much that we complain about what we don't have, yet we're not present enough to actually see it's right in front of us. And then if we eliminated a little bit more, it's just there. It's Michelangelo. It's the David Davis right there. Just remove the piece of marble. Oh, there's his shoulder. Remove that piece of marble. Oh, there's the sky. Holy shit. It was that easy? Yes, it was that easy. It really is that easy. I've been personal development coach for for a long time. expert level, I've coached a lot of high level people, a lot of non high level people, a lot of wealthy people, a lot of poor people. It's all the same. We are in our own way. What you lack you are in the way of write it down guys, what you lack. You say this to yourself in the mirror tonight. What I lack is what I'm in the way of sit to keep it simple, personal develop. It's very simple. The work is hard. It's personal development is simple. It's not like you have to read 50 books to understand one concept. You literally have to like think about it. Like do I trust myself? Do I think I'm valuable and worth it? And like like, what am I in lack of that? I know I'm in the way of money. Okay, well, how am I in the way of money? How am I in the way of financial resource flow? Because it's not go out and make money. It's be this person remove this piece. Money comes. It's that easy. And I know people are gonna be like, bullshit, man. You're up on your high horse in some capacity. I'm not. I'm just the result of the work. I'm the result of elimination. Things that don't serve me anymore. get eliminated. It's that simple. Talk for like five hours on this. I freaking love this stuff. I absolutely love this stuff.
Curt Storring 53:43
No, I feel that so hard man. And I am sitting here. And I'm actually going like, Dude, there's so much and I Okay, here's the thing. We're at 430 I know we gotta go. I gotta go. You probably gotta go. One thing that came to mind, yes. Two things here quickly. One thing to keep in mind is like I had on my podcast, Dan go. He's a fitness coach for high level entrepreneurs. He has this question he likes to ask like, you know, most dads say they die for their kids. Like, oh, yeah, of course. Of course a die for my kids. This question is like, Okay, are you willing to live for them? It's like, oh, fuck like, that is what you're saying. When you look at your kids in the eye and say, I'm not willing to be the man that you need me to be? Like, guys, if you can't answer that question, if you can't answer that, honestly, then like, good luck. But the other thing that I'm looking at and I'm seeing in you, and I don't know if this is a question we can even get into like you said, you know, mom's low confidence. You think you're a loser you like leave your dad's business Thank you never amount to anything. And I'm just picking up like confidence for fucking days, man. And I'm wondering, like, where did that come from? And how do I get me some of that? Is that something that we can go into in like, a minute or is that like, is that something for?
IAN LOBAS 54:53
You now know that I don't speak for just I hate to sound like a broken record, it was, it's always in me that it's the David, I just had to pull the pieces of marble off that weren't it, that were that were restricting it, constraining it. It's as simple as that, like, the confidence was always in me. I just was loading up so much shit on the outside that I, I couldn't see it couldn't feel it. The confidence in me today is, is because I'm very aligned with my purpose. And my mission. I know, I know, you wanted some of that, too. So I'm very clear on my purpose and my mission in life. And it's, it's just, it's just very simple. Understand what's in the way understand that your attitude or your reactions to your wife, or your behavior, or your like really shitty old beliefs that your parents instilled in you about the government or about police or about a certain culture or money, or being rich or whatever. Understand this probably don't serve you anymore. And now it's up to you to make a conscious conscious decision to eliminate those and calibrate in a new belief. That's up to you. So when you remove that old belief, the new ones right there. It's just hiding behind the old belief. And so that's what you also see a lot of passion in me and purpose aligned. And so like, I wouldn't talk about real estate like this. Although I love real estate. I don't talk about it like this, because I'm not that passionate about I'm passionate about coaching it not passionate about like selling it. So guys have a choice to make, that they listen to this whole thing? I do. I guarantee you some guys turned this off, because they were like, I'm not doing that. I'm not I can't do for the guys that lasted. You're meant to hear this. And now all you need to do is figure out who do I need to be to go take action? And what actions do I need to take and keep it that simple? What do I need to eliminate from my life that no longer serves me start with the thought process? Do I trust myself? And do I think I'm worth it? And that's it. That's really it?
Curt Storring 57:01
Yeah. Okay, well, that that was actually, you know, closer to a minimum 30 degree. Okay, man, I want to stay in touch. But where can people find you? Where can people go to do this process with you? Because presumably, you walk people through this, which is, in my experience, a little bit less painful than figuring it out yourself. And I know that because I've gone through the hard way, with like, seven years of going like, Oh, I'm a lone wolf, bro, I'm gonna figure this out on my own. And then it was like, Oh, that really hurt. Maybe I could do with other men. And then it was like, you know, a couple years of like, swinging straight up on the curve. So we're, yeah, where can people find you? Because man, I think you're probably doing them a hell of a service if they work with her.
IAN LOBAS 57:43
You asked me earlier about like, did I have a coach, I've always had a coach even when I couldn't afford it. Yes, guys, who I'm talking to, you know, you are, even when I couldn't afford it, I put it on a credit card, you have to be guided by somebody that's already been through the dark woods, you must be guided by somebody and gotta pick the right coach to remember there's a lot of book Regurgitator is out there. And so you got to pick a guy that's actually doing the work me, you, my partner, Aaron, we're doing the work, we live this shit. So you can come into our community, the mental purpose community on Facebook might be the quitters club at that point, because we might be changing the brand. Depending on when this goes out. You can go to my website in low boss.com inlbas.com. Or you can go to the mental purpose podcast and hear me rant every week. So all those by the way are free. There's a ton of free resources on there. I'm a gift to get kind of guy, I don't sell people I enroll people. I naturally want people to come in and be in our world. And if it's not for you, that's okay. I'll never push to never sell. Like, I want people to know that they're that they have the safe space in this world, that they can get the help that they need to free themselves from that internal constraint or restriction. And that's our job. That's our mission. That's our goal. So a lot of free resources out there a lot of free exercises within our community. And free information on our podcast is 260 episodes. Want to hear my wife talk. She's on there with me. Whenever my dad talk. He's on there with me. My partner Aaron and I are on there a lot of great guests. So guys,
Curt Storring 59:17
are you got no excuses what I'm hearing? Yeah, no
IAN LOBAS 59:20
doubt, no excuses. No
Curt Storring 59:21
excuse, ma'am. I'm so grateful with the energy that you brought the fact that you met on the work and like, Guys, if you think he's talking shit, like no, if you have listened to, you know, this is probably this will be close to Episode 100. If you've listened 100 episodes with me and you think I know a little bit what's on what I'm talking about. And then I've helped you guys, I can feel I can sense I get it that Ian gets it. So listen to this podcast again. Go back and rewind and ask the questions that he told you to ask yourself because then they will change your life. So Ian, man, thank you so much. I appreciate you very much.
IAN LOBAS 59:54
Absolutely. Thanks for having me.
Curt Storring 1:00:02
That's it for this episode. Thank you so much for listening. It means the world to find out more about everything that we talked about in the episode today, including show notes, resources and links to subscribe leave a review work with us go to dad.work/pod, that's DAD.WORK/POD type that into your browser just like a normal URL Dad.Work/Pod. You'll find everything there. You need to become a better man, a better partner and a better father. Thanks again for listening and we'll see you next time.
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