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In today’s episode, I answer the following listener questions:
- What is the best way to be a better leader in my family household? “Family Captain Design” or more corporate formal leading styles? What are the comparisons? Which works best in this ever changing environment?
- I’d like to see you address getting over past hurts and still being an elite dad/husband. How do you maintain the focus and commitment to the work when your’e also fighting the intrusive thoughts and demons that comes with infidelity recovery?
- As a man who’s upping his game and increasing his leadership in all areas…how do I navigate the territories of doing more and more of the chores and the frustrations of picking up that slack? Basically it’s that debate in a modern equality world where my wife works part time but the behaviour creeps into the equal household duties while I’m the provider.
Speaker 1 0:00
If you are the foundation of your family, you are the firm footing, they build their lives on. You carry a glorious burden, and you never dream of laying it down. You carry it with joy, and gratitude, you show up, even when you don't feel like it. You lead, serve, love and protect, you are a father. This is the Dad.Work podcast where men are forged into elite husbands and fathers by learning what it takes to become harder to kill, easier to love, and be equipped to lead. Get ready to start building the only legacy that truly matters, your family.
Curt Storring 1:20
All right, everyone, we are back here. And I'm going to try a solo episode today. Because there's a lot of stuff that I think that we need to address. And while it usually comes up bit by bit on the episodes with guests, there's something about answering pointed questions just for you, just for the guys who asked that is a little bit easier for me to get across the points that, you know have been real in my life. And I think that's the important part for me is I had to go through so much pain, and so much learning. And I spent probably 1000s of hours, definitely many 1000s of dollars. And at the end of the day almost didn't work anyway. And so my goal here with dad work is to provide all of the tools and the resources and the things that I learned along the way, in a manner that saves you at least 90% of that. So if it took me years to do what I did, I want the guys who follow us to be able to do this in weeks or months. And obviously some things do take years, it's just a matter of time that you allow for that compound interest to fully mature. And so I asked you guys inside of our email list inside of Instagram, I mean, we've got there's a lot of people on there now, which is amazing. So thank you guys for listening. Thank you falling along, I think there's like almost 10,000 email lists. There's like 65,000 on Instagram, there's a bunch of you guys 1000s, who listened to the podcast as well. So I mean, we're creating movement here. This is exciting, because we are the tip of the spear for men and society moving forward. And if we all do the dad work required to be elite men, husbands and fathers now, in a generation dad work will be obsolete. And that will be awesome. I would love if I didn't need to do this anymore. Because we as fathers did the work now to raise up kids who don't need somebody else to teach them. I learned the hard way. I want to be here to help you learn a slightly easier way it's going to be hard. But anyway, I heard you guys, I asked you to send me your questions. And I received a ton of them. So there's gonna be a number of these episodes. I'm even considering bringing on Friends of the pod guys we've had on the podcast before even maybe doing a roundtable here and there to go deeper into some of these and just chat about the nuances, because some of my favorite discussions are with friends, when there's no you know, interview style conversation, when there's just a back and forth and then somebody says something you're like, oh, right, that thing is important that I didn't remember that until you said that. So anyway, there's gonna be a some more of these, interspersed with the interviews, which I know you guys love, because you know, there's more and more guys listening every single week, but we've got like at least six or seven interviews scheduled for May, as well. It's the end of April as we record this, but we have got a lot of stuff in the hopper, and we're just gonna keep going. This is never going to stop so well. You know, it'll stop when we don't need it anymore. 20 years from now, 30 years from now when your kids grow up and they're like, man, Dad, thanks for doing the dad work. I'm good. I don't need Kurt anymore. Anyway, we're gonna dive in here. I'm just gonna read out the question that I've got. I'm just going to expound on a little bit. This is almost like 510 minutes of free coaching for you out there if you have any questions find me on Instagram and send me a question at dad work dot Kurt that's da d w o RK dot c u RT or send me an email Curt at Dad.Work c u RT at da d.wo RK send your questions and I'll get to them on one of these and you'll get free coaching basically. And that's awesome because we have a group we have a you know, really high level group of men who are doing coaching with us inside the deadwood brotherhood. So if you want whatever you're hearing hear in your ears for 12 months in a private community where I will answer your questions all day every day and give you the path to follow that I followed to get to become what I know see isn't leat husband, father, man, Family Leader, you can join us inside the Brotherhood application only Dad.Work slash apply. There's a lot of links there, guys, just check out the show notes. Dad.Work slash podcast. Oh, there's another link? Oh, no. Okay, here we go. Let's dive into the questions. First one, I've learned a ton for your podcast. Thank you. What I would like to dig more into is the best way to be a better leader in my family household. Should I follow the family Captain design? Sorry, I don't know exactly what that means. But I will continue with the rest of questions there or go to applying more corporate formal leading styles. What are the comparisons which works best in this ever changing environment? So I think it's important to understand here to answer this, what it even means to lead your household like, what is a leader? What are we trying to do here? What is the outcome that we're looking for? What is the goal? So for me, I think, number one, I am the one as a family leader who takes responsibility for everything, take responsibility for me. But I also take responsibility for my wife, for my children, for the state of my household, for the mood in the household for anything that gets missed. Because if it was something that I did, then obviously I'm responsible for, but if it's something that I delegated, or ask someone else to do, or whatever, then that still falls under me because I can and should be leading in such a way that people are excited to do what they said they were going to do that I know what's going on to an extent of like, hey, yeah, did we do that thing? Of course we did. Because I know that's gonna get done. And I can make sure that everyone's sort of following my lead. But again, I just take responsibility for everything, even if it's not mine, even if it's my kids, even if it's my wife, they Yes, still must take responsibility for them. But I still take responsibility on top of that, because I'm the leader. So that's number one, I just let everything fall into my plate. Okay, as a family leader, somebody needs to be the foundation. And that's us as dads, that cannot be our wives that cannot be our kids, that is completely unfair. And that will lead to resentment, and anger and frustration from them. And probably like a stunted development, to be quite honest with you, if you guys think back to your relationship with your parents, so many of us, at least I know, a lot of the guys who follow us here, including myself, there was like a wrong order to parenting. I felt like the parent for a long time. And that's fine. Because, you know, it's led to amazing gifts in my life. And I'm so glad, and so grateful for the way that I was brought up now. But there was a lot of like, wrong order, where I didn't have to be, I didn't get to be a kid, I should say, in many ways. And I had to sort of grow up quick. And that led me to all sorts of perfectionism and anxiety and depression and all that kind of stuff growing up. So if we can just be like, Hey, guys, you know what, I know that you want to do this, like to your sons or your daughters, whatever, I know that you want to like, take control this, you want to make sure everything's okay, great. And just so you know, I've got it no matter what, like, it's gonna fall on me no matter what, I don't care how hard it is, I will take the burden of that. And that means as a foundation, you're gonna be in the mind, like, think about a house, you're building a house, right? The foundation of that house is in the dirt underground is in the mud, it's not a pretty place to be. So I hear from a lot of guys who are like, Oh, who gets to lead, they use this word get as though like, it's this amazing thing that you should just want to lead because then you get to assert your authority, and you get everything you want. And it's so awesome. It's like, dude, if you're leading like that you're not leading, you're being an authority figure, not a leader, and you're gonna be demanding things from people, they're not gonna respect you. If you're truly leading, you're the foundation of your family, you're probably in the mud more often than not, okay, you are the the firm foundation that your family will build their lives on for the rest of their lives, and hopefully, future generations, that means it's not going to be pretty, and you get all of it, you get everything that falls that flows downhill, and that lands on your lap. And that's, first of all, what a great man and leader does is he just takes responsibility, because nobody else is well suited for that in your life and your household. And what we do eventually, is we allow our children a little bit more of that, over the years, a little bit more responsibility, a little bit more of their burden. So that when they become adults, when they become parents and, you know, husbands and and wives, they are able to take their own burden. We don't want to just take it forever, like oh, no, I'll do everything, when even when you're 1817 Just come to me and I'll do everything like no, we consciously continue to take the burden Actually, yes, we just we do that forever. But we start offloading a little bit to our kids. So I just wanted to clarify that. But you are the foundation, you're in the mud, you're the one setting the stage, you're the one setting the mood, you're doing all these things. And I think as well, that the leader is going to be leading from the front, even though he's also leading from the bottom underneath the house. Right? So he's also leading the way in terms of what is acceptable he's setting the standard, basically. So when I see that in, in my life, that means I'm doing the right thing all the time. That's what I optimize for. I don't optimize for like, who's going to be happy right now. Who's going to think that you know, if I do this for them, they're going to do this for me, and I'm just gonna get tit for tat like no, I always operate on a what is the right thing to do? What is the hard right thing to do? Because it's usually the easy path, the comfortable path is the wrong path. it's morally wrong. It's hurtful to people and it will come back to bite you. And so it's very important to actually we've talked about this in the podcast before with Aaron guy yet and a couple other podcast, guests, I believe, is it's important know what your moral framework is, as a father, what do you believe about the world? What do you believe about right and wrong? It's very important to know exactly that, so that you can do the right thing. Because if you're just guessing, going, Oh, I think this is right. Oh, well, I don't know, maybe it was different next time. And then you're like confusing your kids, because you're making different decisions on similar situations, that becomes confusing, and nobody's gonna follow you anyway. So take responsibility for everything, do the right thing all the time, even when it's hard, especially when it's hard. The third point I want to make here is that leadership, anywhere, especially in a family, is about getting the most out of those around you the potential of others that wouldn't otherwise have been able to be fruitful without you. As that doesn't mean slave driver, that doesn't mean cracking a whip. That doesn't mean like go harder, bro. It's like, how can you bring out the best in your sons and daughter? How can you bring out the best in your sons and daughters? How can you bring out the best in your wife by showing up in a way that they want to do a good job, they want to try hard, they want to work for the betterment of the family, because of the way you show up, you love them so much, you affirm them so much, you are showing them by your actions, again, leading from the front, that this is how we do things, this is the standard. And they're not just like, oh, man, I just don't want that to yell at me. So I'm gonna, like, do what he says. But then I'm gonna leave as soon as I'm 18, you're not doing that you're engendering this, like desire to follow. And I think that's what a great leader does. He he he has his, he has his people desire to follow Him because they know that he's going to lead them farther than they could go alone. That is getting the most potential out of your wife and your kids. By bringing them farther than they could go alone. What does that take, it takes vision, it takes direction. It takes knowing who you are what you want, where you want your family to go. It takes knowing what you want out of parenting, how you want your kids to feel, when you parent them what you want out of your marriage, what an ideal marriage looks like you can lead through that, such that they are so excited to follow you. And they will do their best so that they both please you, but you are seeing things in them that they may not see in themselves. Okay, you are spending the time and noticing what they might not see. And then you're breathing life into that you're affirming that you're validating them. You're saying I'm proud of you, oh, hey, the when you did this, when you stood up for you know what you believed in their incredible, amazing that was so respectful that was so in integrity, that was so compassionate. I love that about you. That's great. Keep doing that. I want to see more of that, because it was so good. Wow. Whatever that takes, right. Wherever that looks like, make sure that those around you are reaching their potential because of you know, when it comes to like, the the style, right, the formal leadership style, like, I don't know about any of that. I've read some leadership books. Yeah, sure. And I've, you know, tried a whole bunch of things that either work or didn't work. But what it comes down to is you've got to be real and authentic and vulnerable. And I don't mean vulnerable and like, Oh, here's all my feelings all the time. I'm like here is when I fail. Yes, I failed. Sorry, kids, I didn't mean to make that mistake, but I did. And here's what I'm going to do to move forward from it to fix it. So you're showing most of the things that you're doing good and bad, so that you're engendering that trust, because trust is a huge part of leadership, and you'll pick up on that in everything I've just said responsibility doing the right thing, leading them to their greatest potential, that all requires that they trust you. Okay? And so being real and being authentic being you, making sure that you're really in integrity, that they don't see you doing things you say you wouldn't, or that they don't see you saying things that you don't do. If you're a liar and a hypocrite, they'll never follow you. Okay, they will never, ever follow you. And that comes back to just being real and authentic. accepting who you are, knowing who you are working on weaknesses. Sure. But also going like Yeah, well, that's is this just me, okay? And I'm going to do my best to not have my weaknesses. Come on, I'm going to work on my strength. Absolutely. But at the end of the day, I know who I am. And this is just who I am. Okay, I'm not going to hide it from you. And I'm going to own my mistakes, be real and authentic. It's not like because if I think about this, I'm going like, okay, corporate form of leadership styles. What does it even mean? I'm not gonna get like my shirt and tie and be like, Hey, you, son, I'd like to have our quarterly performance report here. It looked like you know, structure SR three times in the last three months. And, you know, we talked about the KPI here, and, you know, like, what are you doing there? It doesn't make any sense of corporate leadership. No, not at all. How can we be more involved with kids? How can we be more present with them? Hey, I'm just going to do life with my most important people. And that's you guys. And I love you. If you just love if you just spend time with him if you're just present with him, you're just curious about your wife and your kids lives. And then you show them your life for real, not like this fake or I'm gonna be leader like he goes, I'm going to be leading our family and I want us to, I want to lead us to the Promised Land basically, right? I'm going to make mistakes along the way. I'm not even sure exactly what I'm doing right now, in some respects, but here's the thing, I'm going to try anyway. And when I fail, I'm going to own up to it. And I'm going to get the most out of everyone in here, because man, it's going to be amazing. And we're going to build to this value, we're going to build to these family rules, this motto, this ethos, whatever it is that you come up with, this is where we're going isn't exciting. Let's roll our boat together. And you're just the captain of the boat. So maybe, you know, family, Captain designer know what that means. But maybe that's where it comes from. You're the captain of the ship, leading your family and taking full responsibility for everything as it goes on. A couple of final thoughts on this one, I mean, I literally just did a hour long Family Leadership masterclass where these thoughts were, you know, broken down neatly and succinctly. And so I'm trying to give you just like a conversational answer right now. But if you if you want that, you can send me an email, and I'll get you the recording. It's 25 bucks, super affordable and accessible for everyone. And a lot of good stuff in there. But one of the other notes that I made here is you teach, and train and have perspective and think long term. What does that mean? I came into this when I started learning about, you know, I literally learned about this mostly from parenting, because we were just so bad, and the kids behavior was really unacceptable. And that was my fault. And we were trying to figure out, okay, how do we stop this? How do we at least, you know, stop the bleeding, so to speak, and you learn how things are supposed to be? And so you try to make them happen right away? Right? So it's like, okay, you're not going to hit, I'm gonna make sure you do not hit it, I'm gonna go hardcore. And the thing was, I had never trained my sons. And so you know, they were being angry, and they decided to start hitting that kind of thing. I didn't know what to do. I was overwhelmed. I was like, Okay, do I let them? Do I stop them? Do I scream at them? Do I not do this? What do we even do? Anyway, I learned through the process on how to hold space, how to set boundaries, how to just be there with them without ratcheting it up, screaming at them, and then working through that. But I couldn't just get there all at once. I had to train them and teach them what my expectations were, when that required, taking the time in sort of peacetime, so to speak, so that we were prepared in war times. And I told my guys this all the time, we have to do the work during the peacetime when things are not so hectic, so that we have the muscle memory when things are hectic and chaotic. And so you must find time to train and teach without going into like punishments and boundaries right away, in case they mess up. Because they're gonna be like, Oh, I can't screw up around my dad. So what does this look like? Well, maybe you have this desire to have family time at the dinner table. But right now, your kids are kind of like throwing food, they're picking up the you know, the food with their hands, instead of using utensils, if you want to do that. They're getting down from the table, they're up and down. They're playing toys at the table, instead of sitting down one day and being like, Hey, guys, we're sitting at a table. And if if you don't, and if you're playing, I see you're done, you're gonna get down from the table. And they're like, oh, okay, whatever, dad, and they start playing, you're like, Dude over the table. I told you like, okay, that's, that's what you said you were gonna do that might be right, so to speak. But it's not because you didn't teach and train them. You didn't take the time to go through a training protocol to be like, Hey, guys, here's what's going to happen. Here's where I see us going. And then you take the week, you take the two weeks, whatever, to remind them to show them. So the first day, it's like, hey, hey, Joe, you're getting up from the table there. Now what we're going to do is we're going to all eat together. And so in a couple of weeks, when we're really good at this, cuz we're going to practice, we're going to actually ask you to get down from the table, you're gonna miss dinner if you do this. So let's just practice, can you come back the table for a couple minutes, because I want to talk to you get back to the table, be gentle about it, all this kind of stuff, you move into this training and teaching phase, rather than just go hardcore into like, ooh, we're going to do the thing. Okay, so I think leadership in probably all areas, actually, but parenting specifically guys, like, you know, when they when they come across the answers, like Oh, immediate, let's go there real quick. And some of us forget that it actually takes time to learn, because why are our kids the way they are right now, because we are the way we are. So until we change, we're never going to have our kids to be able to change just because we told them to. So you have to get yourself sorted out. And then you bring the expectations in the training. And then you can set the boundaries to be like, Hey, guys, we've had enough time with this. This is real now I'm gonna set the boundary. And if you don't listen to it, then here's the consequence. Okay, like that has to come with time. But that requires you having a long term perspective. And it requires you to have well any perspective knowing that right this second is not going to make or break your entire your your kids entire lives. Yes, each moment, over time will indeed make their entire lives and they will tell the story of you failing if you don't sort this up, but knowing that for the next couple of weeks, we can train we can practice whatever Okay, yeah, he's he's screaming or he's hitting or whatever. He's not staying at the table. We're not gonna let him do that. But we're gonna be patient because I know that it takes 18 years, whatever. That's don't quote me on that scientific whatever. Don't get me We all will the human brain takes 25 years developed, I don't care, it takes 18 years to reign to raise an adult, right? For those 18 years, when they're under your care, you're continually training them. And so that long term perspective, it's never too late is what I'm trying to say here. And if you understand that it's a long term perspective, you can be a little bit more gentle, you can be a little bit more patient and calm when it comes to training, and raising them up in the way they should go. And that just requires you to know the long game where you're going, how long it's going to take you to get there, the fact that it's okay, if it takes a little bit of time, all of that comes down to family leadership. So let me just break it down, finally, in the way that we do this inside of our brotherhood, okay, so we start with a daily, every moment needs to be intentional, you're building yourself up and you're building your family up in a way that they're going to trust you as a trustworthy man of integrity. And you just become a great man, husband, father by doing basic habits every day, and not doing the stupid distracted habits that you're probably doing right now. Okay, that's number one. Number two, is having a long term vision. Okay, so having that long term vision, knowing where you're going, I call it like a family business plan. Right? I wouldn't start a business without knowing some spreadsheets, some goals and KPIs, some like plan, and yet we all hop in a family going, we'll figure it out. Doesn't matter. I never thought about that. Like, how many times have you thought about? Well, I don't Should I have a family business plan? What does it mean? Yeah, you should, you've got to have a map, you've got to have a roadmap of where you're going, why you want to go there and how you're going to get there. That's step number two. And those two things, daily moment, by moment habits, and lifelong vision, actually inform one another. The Habits inform who you are next week, what who you are next week informs who you are next quarter, next year, next decade all the way to end your life. And vice versa, the lifelong goal that you have, should inform where you want to be 10 years from now, where you want to be a year from now, where you want to be next week, and then what do you need to do everyday to get there, and then you just put in the work and the time. Okay. And then third part. The third part of this program is skills training. Okay, so if you suck at things like communicating, if you suck at setting boundaries, if you are angry all the time, go all in on fixing those men, there's so many resources, there's so many resources, there's books, there's coaches, there's training courses, there's all this stuff, there's programs are everything. If you suck at something, there is no excuse to continue to suck for more than the time it takes to go through a program. Okay, go sort yourselves out, learn the skills that we should have been taught by our dads and the elders around us, of course, but we didn't. So too bad. It's your fault. It's your responsibility. It's not your fault. But it's your responsibility, go learn those skills. So you can be relational Master, you have to be as a father, you have to be as a leader of a family. Okay? So those three things, day by day habits, long term vision and skills. That's like the trifecta, whatever you wanna call it, that is the trifecta of how to be an effective family leader. And it's made easier if you've got coach in your corner and if you've got a brotherhood of men who are also doing this work, that is like putting it on steroids, basically. Okay, so anyway, that is quick overview, family leadership, how I look at it comparisons, what works best ever changing environment, that, okay, there's a lot to it, but it comes down to knowing who you are, what you want, where you want to go, loving, being a selfless, sacrificial leader, and as Ken curry said on this podcast, standing in the way of foolishness, other words setting boundaries. Okay, there's a lot more in there. We can talk about this for ages and ages, but 1520 minute little coaching session there. Hopefully that helped. All right, I got another question which I am going to condense because it is a bit of a long one. He says great, guys, this stuff works. Let's go. I put out your emails made myself a workbook with them. It's changing our family life, that's for sure. freaking amazing man. Way to take action. I love it. The question is, I'd really like to see you address getting over past hurts, and still being an elite dad and husband. So basically, the story here is that there was merit marital unfaithfulness. And while marriage is saved, they're going to church faith and save the marriage and family. How do you maintain focus and commitment to the work when you're also fighting the intrusive thoughts and demons that come with infidelity? Recovery? Okay, so I'm just going to state right off the bat, I don't have any experience with this, okay. But what I do have experience with is hurt, and past trauma and past hurt and whatever well else. So let me just take off any expectation of me knowing exactly what I'm talking about here in terms of the infidelity because I can only understand, I can only imagine I should say, how painful that is. And to be able to reconcile through that. I think it's a beautiful thing. And by the grace of God, what an amazing gift we have to be able to forgive. And so what comes up for me when I think about this situation is and so when it comes to dealing with sort of old hurts or past hurts or things you're trying to get over, whether that was done to you or whether it was done by someone that is close to you, that hurts you there's a few things that I think are very important number one, man you mentioned faith give it to God man like that is number one. If you are a Christian, if you believe in God, you have to understand that he has the power to wipe all of that out all of it. Nothing is too big for him to be like yeah, you know what, dude, you're gonna say without by yourself? Because I just you know, you gotta you gotta hurt i don't i don't actually cover that. I don't cover infidelity. No, he does. He takes all of it. Lay down at the foot of the cross and give so much thinks that he can do that now, that is great. And you got to pray through that and you got to be around fellowship who can do that you got to be in your your Bible every single day to do that. You've got to consistently give it to everyday pick up your cross eyed yourself, pick up your cross, give that to him at the foot of the cross. And that's number one. I think, from there, here's the thing that not a lot of guys talk about. Feel it, bro. You have to feel it all this stuff that we're dealing with all this stuff from childhood or hurt or infidelity, whatever, so many guys try and power through it, or it will affect me. I mean, Judge, like puts me off. But I'm fine. I'm just gonna power through it. Or they'll totally crumble. I can't do this at all. Well, okay, so like, either way, you're either only going into motion, or you're not at all going into motion, and there's a middle ground. And that's called moving forward by doing the things that are useful because action is the antidote to average apathy, all the rest of the crap Do you struggle with action. But here's the kicker, you got to feel it.
Anything that is living inside you any old pain, if you're stuck feeling like a child, because some happen with your kid or your mom, your dad weren't like the best mom or dad or whatever you're feel like a child ever. If you're in a group of men, you're like, Man, I kind of feel like a 12 year old or a five year old or whatever. That's probably because you have got like some pain that you haven't actually truly felt your ego came in and blocked that pain from being felt truly because like, Dude, you felt like you're gonna die when you're a kid and you're alone like that. Feel like you're gonna die doesn't know my podcast with Aleister mousse, he walked me through a little process that was like, oh, man, it took me from feeling, you know, angry in the moment to feeling like a little kid who's gonna die in about five minutes. So that was intense. But basically, you have to feel this, you cannot move on, you cannot fully forgive until you felt it and grieved through it. I've experienced this. on countless occasions, I had to get very good at going into when I was truly feeling, not the angry exterior. But like what's underneath that? What if we just express a little bit of that anger in a way that is safe and doesn't hurt anyone else. So maybe you're gonna go into your car for Drive, go into the woods and just bloody scream in, just scream and cry, find a pillow and scream into that pillow, punch the pillow bunch of times, like get some of it out. Anger, for example, in this case, in my case, is something you usually need to get out and up. But there are a bunch of other feelings as well, that could just take journaling. They could just take talking to another man that has happened so many times for me, I've just talked to another man about how he was feeling like, Hey, man, like this thing that happened. I'm actually feeling really sad about that. Like, I can't believe I had to go through that I'm feeling kind of pissy. And you know what you have to almost, here's what I've experienced, you almost have to like, act like a victim for a while to realize what a disgusting way that is. And then get through it. I remember so many times talking to my granddad of the men of my men's groups. I was like, oh, man, I wish my mom my dad would just, you know, come and ask for my forgiveness. So I can really apologize, because as long as they take, they take responsibility. And I'm like, what a victim a like, I ended up getting over all of that, without them having to do that at all. I mean, my dad is dead. He can't do that. But I still have to forgive him. And I'll be grateful for him. So how do you do that? Well, I talked out loud to my grandfather to my men's group to all these other coaches that I was hiring my life. And the more I spoke, the more came up the more like cry, baby stuff came up. But underneath all of that, that was all, like an ego defense mechanism trying not to let me hurt. And it was trying to keep me safe, right? Like, oh, hey, Kurt, don't think about that. Just be angry about it. Just be a victim. It's okay. You'll feel better. I'm like, Well, yeah, but like life sucks. So what do I do now? Here's the thing, you talk about enough. Something's gonna come up. You're gonna feel if you journal enough, something's gonna come out. Oh, I wish this I'm going to do this. Oh, no, I feel like a child who? Okay, why do you feel like a child? Oh, because my dad loved my mom. And my mom was sad and blah, blah. And nobody was ever there to take care of my feelings. Oh, crap. Suddenly, you found the rational reason but it took you complaining and being a bit of a crybaby first, right. And so here's the thing, you have to feel it, you've got to find out a way to feel it. Like I just said, talking to people, journaling, whatever, find a way to feel it, and then go into it. And here's the kicker, that a lot of people don't understand. Grieve it, bro, you're never gonna get to live a life that this didn't happen. You're never going to get the perfect childhood you ever wanted. You're never going to have a life where you know, your wife was not an unfaithful, it's not gonna happen. And so what does that mean? We're probably pretty upset about that, like, well, it's not fair. No, it's not. Nobody said the world's supposed to be fair. And guess what? You've got something to do to get over. That's called grieving. That means that you accept the reality of what happened. You feel all the sadness and pain that it causes. And then you let it go. Because you know, you're never going to get that back. That is the hardest thing. That's the hardest thing I've ever done. grieving the loss of that which I will never get when it is the thing that inside I want most, bro, that's so hard. It is almost impossible to do that when you're looking at it on the outside. But all you got to do is start to talk about it, start to note it start to own it. And then just let it come up, man. Just let it come through and feel that and don't become a slave to the emotions along the way. Feel it and then move on. Feel it and then move on. Don't go into this loop where like oh, man my feelings and like my inner child my divine feminine and masculine side. Bro, I was in those circles for a long time and it's complete garbage don't get sucked in to your emotions ruling this, you need to process them. But here's the thing, I think about processing emotions like digesting food, most of us did not grow up in a way that allowed us to develop an emotional digestive tract. Now, we should naturally just by having parents sort of model this for us. And I hope that all of you listening will do that for your kids. So they don't feel like you. But I had to basically create my own digestive tract for emotions. And here's the thing. They're not much like food, the thing that you hold onto going like, oh, okay, I found this emotion and kind of feels good. It's going to work on me now, like, I really need to go there. Because, oh, my goodness, it's just the thing. Because what happens, right? If you do that with food, it's just going to sit in your stomach, you're not gonna let that go. You, you're not going to expel what's coming into his food. Imagine with emotions as well that comes in, you digest it, and then you let it go, you release it, crap it up, whatever you want to say, right? Because if you don't do that with food, man, it's going to suck, you're really going to be uncomfortable. It's going to just linger and fester inside you. same will happen with emotions to get lost in them, feel them, allow them to come up, grieve over them and let them go. And then take action in moving forward. Okay, this is the thing that I see a lot of guys struggle with. They're like, Okay, I'm going to try and let it go. But it keeps coming back. Okay, well, what are you doing? Like to build yourself as a man? Well, I don't know. It's like, well, yeah, of course, you're not rewriting your story. Okay, so you've got to tell your story, the one that hurts the one that sucks. Feel it, drop it. And then guess what? You have to write a new story says in the Bible somewhere, if you know there are these spirits that get cast out. And they come back to a nicely swept house, and they bring like a bunch of other demon spirits with them. Hate, it's the same sort of thing. If you don't start building yourself forward, these feelings will just come back over and over and over. You have to put in the work. So that when you come back to these feelings, you're no longer standing on the axe there. You're not like, Okay, I'm ready. I'm waiting for them. Oh, no, they hurt again. It's like, bro, I'm so far forward. Now. I've been developing on myself. I'm getting thin. I'm like loving my wife better. I'm going forward and like starting a business. You're just doing things. Despite the hurt, you can do both. And men do do both. That is what we have to do. So I would say if you need to move on, give it to God, feel it. grievant get all the feelings out. Move, flipping forward. And this forgiveness part man. May yeah, I've said a lot of stuff is hard. This is hard work. This is all hard work. But forgiveness is extremely difficult. Okay, so if you've got someone who need to forgive, and you happen to be a Christian, amazing, because you don't deserve any of the forgiveness God has given to you. There is so much grace and mercy that has been extended to you. You could never if you if everyone on earth came and like spat in your face and kicked you in the nuts, you would still even if you forgave all of those people, you would still be nowhere near how much God has forgiven you. So just remember that because that forgiveness, yeah, we don't forgive seven times, if we get 70 and seven times, just infinitely just you have to forgive. If you do not forgive, it will eat you up. You know, you've probably heard the saying where holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It just hurts you. Okay, so you've got to work through that you've got to come to forgiveness by realizing what a great gift for believers by realizing that you have been infinitely forgiven. And there's nothing that is too much for you to forgive. If you had been forgiven for your sins against God, that's intense. Go with that and sit in that and just realize that and it's going to be so difficult. And so I highly encourage you to do this with other men like I've already been saying, find a pastor to do with find some brothers at church find some other guys who do this kind of work. And man, Godspeed. It's gonna be hard, but it's so awesome. You guys are reconciling and praise God for that heart change. That's so so awesome. There's a follow up question any programs and four wives, my wife is highly considering doing a wife's group. Probably like an eight week well, of course thing, some teaching a lot of space held in order to you know, talk about specific problems a little bit coaching. If you want to join that sent me an email, CRT at Dad.Work. Curt Dad.Work. We just had our fourth child obviously, like six weeks ago, so it's not going to be immediately but she is very much interested in doing that. Because we get this question all the time. Also, I gonna have to find a way to put this on my website or something because I keep getting asked for the women's version of dad work, Mrs. Dad work or mum work or whatever. And you know, I wish that my wife had more time but she doesn't care. She's she's doing all this stuff and our house. She's living it. And I guess she I shouldn't say she doesn't care, but she has no care to document it and take time away from the actual family and important work which you know, is amazing, and I appreciate her for that. But I did do a little digging yesterday and I found a list of women who I follow an Instagram. There's very few that I trust to follow on Instagram and you know, it's just because I don't do that kind of work. I'm here for the men. If the women want something, I'm glad they follow me to get them inside of things, but I don't know. So I can send that See you on Instagram, if you want or email me, again, contact me somewhere. There's, if you can't figure that out, you know, it's 21st century, there's plenty ways to contact me, if you really want to contact me, and I'll let you know. So that is it for that question. Hopefully, that helped. That seemed like pretty good one. I think that goes for a lot of people, not just infidelity. But you know, past trauma, and you know, whatever, wife not showing up the way you want them, anything like that. All right here, let's go into question number three here, this will be the last one. And we've got Oh, my goodness, I just scrolled through here, we've got, I don't know, probably 10 times where these questions. And this is like the first time I've ever asked you guys, so I can only imagine we're going to have a lot of ammunition to move forward. And if this is useful for you, guys, I'd love to know on Spotify, you can actually let me know what you thought about the episode that would be awesome. Whether or not this was helpful. And you know, if you want to see me bring in guests to chat like this just about questions, guys that I trust guys who are in my circle, mentors, coaches, friends who do this kind of stuff with me, let me know. And if not, Tommy sucks. And I will well, I don't know, I'll keep doing him. Because some people might like him, and you can just get the episode. So there you go. Anyway, we'll be back here next week with some more guest episode as well. Anyway, this question is, as a man who's upping his game and increasing his leadership in all areas, how do we navigate the territories of doing more and more of the chores, and the frustrations of picking up that slack? Basically, it's that debate in a modern equality world where my wife works part time, but the behavior creeps into equal household duties while I'm the provider, tit for tat chore assignments, and I'm wanting her to level up with me, oh, man, this is a fiery one. How many times can we get canceled? In this answer, I'm going to try. First of all, it should be, in my humble opinion, every man's desire to provide for his family such that his wife doesn't have to work. Okay? That is, in my experience, the best way to make this work as a marriage and a family. Now, if your wife is resourceful if she's doing things like little things along the side, I'm thinking of like the, you know, the Proverbs 31 woman, this glorious version of a wife that we all aspire to have. She's not sitting there doing nothing. She is being resourceful. She's making money for her household. She is doing all these things to provide for them. And yet, it's a different world. She's not off working for another man. She's not off spending all her time trying to make a corporation more money. She is doing things that are very much cottage industry. And like entrepreneurial, she's buying land. She's like putting things together at home and selling them. She's doing all of these things. And that's great. Like, my wife does that. She sells stuff. She makes stuff she like she's always active and building for us. But there is no expectation that she provides that for her. And for so many, probably most, if not all the wives I talked to. She doesn't want that role at all. At all. Now, there are women who like, oh, yeah, I love working. Like I love it. I want to do this one. I shouldn't have used that voice. Pardon me. There are a lot of women who are like, Yeah, I love working. And I want to do this and you can't tell me otherwise. And like, it's only part time or oh, this is my like profession. What I studied so long to do this. In my humble opinion, that is 90% brainwashing by feminism, saying that you can only be valuable if you have masculine traits. If you can be as good as men at working, then you're a good woman, what? Why did we get so wrong. And if you don't believe that, inherently, if that doesn't strike a chord with you, I don't think there's any way for me to explain it to you. Because for me, it's so self evident. It is so brutally self evident that we are equal in creation, but not in what we can do not and how we're structured. My wife is better than me, at so many things. And I don't want to be good at those things. Because there are things that she's naturally built to do. And the other on the flip side, I am better at things than my wife, but there's no judgment of that. It's not like Hey, babe, I work therefore, I'm more valuable. Like what she does so much, so much around the house, for the kids, raising the family, all these things that she is naturally inclined to do. And I don't go like, Oh my goodness, you're so much better than me to do them. Like, oh, thank you. Thank you that this works. This is what marriage is about guys, you are equally working towards each other's best interest. That's it. And then you both get the benefit. Like how crazy is that? People confuse us all the time. Like, okay, if I'm doing all they can, that I'm just gonna keep doing more than like, what is it? Like? No, dude, you're not looking for result you're looking for? I'm a good husband, what a good husbands? Do they bloody well, certainly their wives. If your wife is not doing that for you, that sucks. And you can have the conversation with her. And it's your responsibility as a leader to have that compassionate conversation where you can bring her on because this is new for a lot of women. It's new for a lot of us too, right? We didn't come into this, this adulthood of ours or our families going, Okay, I'm gonna be, you know, a really awesome patriarchal leader who loves and leads and sacrifices. We're just like, oh, I don't know, I guess we both get jobs and then like, have a kid or two and I don't know, right? Like, that's where so many of us stay. And I think it's wrong. It's just wrong. It's a very hard thing to break that conditioning. But I'm 100% Certainty is conditioning.
So number one, do all you can to get her at home and explain to her just how beautiful that is and help her work through that. It doesn't have to be like, Hey, you're going home right now. And she's like, why? You know, because I actually like working in blah, blah, blah, blah, but have the conversation. I think I have seen so many families benefit from this sort of layout, where man is providing and protecting and doing all those things. And his wife is able to attend the home, be homemaker. That's beautiful. It doesn't mean she stays home and does nothing. She can be resourceful. She can do all these sort of things to make money on site and all this kind of stuff. You can go out in the world and of course, but it's men and women working together. It's not like, man, it's not working. It's not each working separately. It's each working together. Like oh, man, there's so many things my wife and I can do together. Because we're just both headed to the same direction, rather than me coming home going like, Oh, my job and she coming home, you're like, Oh, my job. And we're both like, just living separate lives. Doesn't make any sense. But I talk to my wife about this stuff all the time content. What should I do here? What do you think about this, from your perspective, as a woman, what does this work like? I'm always bringing her in. And then she's doing things like, I don't know, fixing up furniture or sewing stuff and selling stuff online. Like there's so many things. It's like, Hey, can you come get this out of the back with me? Like, yeah, of course, we're just helping each other. We're just both on the same track helping each other to raise the family and do a good job with that. And so that is like, that is a key fundamental belief that most people aren't willing to go to, even though most people probably believe it's true. Okay, so I challenge everyone listening. If the culture has you in its firm grasp, men start bucking because you don't want to be in the grasp of culture. Look around you. mediocrity, debauchery, degeneracy. Immortality, like, do you want to be part of that? I certainly don't. And so I look for ways to not be like the culture and hey, it's led me to certain things that might be called the traditional life or whatever. But for me, it's just what works. Okay? It doesn't have any like judgment around it doesn't work. Does it bear fruit? Look at that, whatever you want to do in your life? Look at where it bears fruit and do that thing. If it doesn't bear fruit? Don't do it. Okay, that's one of the well, that is the only way to tell what is good and what is not? Does it bear fruit. And I've just seen time and time again, when there's two people working separate jobs in separate places and not having any time with kids. That fruit is rotten, does not even fruit at all. Anyway, here's let's, let's get the actual question here. Up in his game, increasing leadership in all areas, navigate the territories are doing more. So I tell my guys, you do everything you can. Because you're good husband and father and leader with zero expectations. Now this is very difficult, because again, we have this like cultural conditioning, that we need to get ours we need to put ourselves first we need to be selfish, so that we make sure we are taken care of well, that is completely backwards in marriage. Okay, you do what you do, so that your wife benefits, okay, and it has nothing to do with you. But here's the beauty. She does what she does, so that you benefit, and you both go farther, by caring for the other person than you would alone. That's how it should work. Now she's not coming along with you. Well, that's probably because you failed to lead first of all, and you might have been leading poorly for years. And now you're like starting to do good job and you expect her to just follow you like bro, she doesn't believe in you. She doesn't trust you. And I have gone through that myself. And a lot of the guys that we talked to have gone through that. It's like, Hey, I'm good. Now. You trust me? No. Why would I? You've just spent like the last 510 15 years being awful. And now you want to do dishes? And like, what have some sex like? No, not at all. I don't trust that for a minute. Because like if I open myself up from the wife's perspective now, if she opens herself up, and like the, you know her version of Oh, yeah, of course, I believe the sun's gonna rise tomorrow is of course, I believe my husband's gonna be an asshole. Like, if she opens herself up to that possibility and you are who you have always been, it's gonna hurt her a lot. It's gonna, it's gonna like really, really hurt her in the in the heart rate, she's going to feel terrible, and she's going to close off even more. So it's safer not to open up for her at all. Until she can be very sure that you are all in and expecting nothing except her. What's good for her. What's good for the family. That is the only expectation you should have not you not getting anything back, not reciprocation, not tip for tat. And here's the thing. There's so many questions I get. I'm like, bro, just talk to her about it. Like, why do you need me? Don't talk to me. Go talk to your wife. Go and lead your wife and conversation say Hey, babe, here's what's going on. Here's an observation. Here's how I'm feeling about it. Here's maybe like a need or a desire that the feeling is leading to or, or being or call caused by. And here's a request. Can we get on the same page here? Like, can I listen to you about how you're feeling about this, I know I'm doing more now. And I don't want to feel resentful. And that's coming up for me. And so I'm going to do my own work to make sure that's not coming up. But I also do want to make sure that we are rowing in the same direction and at the same speed. How can I help you with that? Okay, so those are conversations that so many of us could have, that would just cut through all the bullcrap. And stop you from wondering, you probably feel anxious, or I don't know what to say. I'm feeling this but I shouldn't say because like, it might be hard. Yeah. external conflict is way better than internal conflict, because you will burn up with internal conflict. And if you just say it, it's never as bad as you think it's going to be never as bad. Go have the hard conversation. That is what a real man does. He does a hard thing. So go do the hard or think have a conversation. Tell her babe, this is what I'm thinking. This is what I'm feeling. Here's why little can we work this out or here's a request. Like it's that simple. And just hold space. Don't get defensive, don't blame. Don't try and fix it. Just hold the space for it. See what's real. Ask her. What is she feeling? How is she feeling? Why? Why does she want to this life? You've got direction, but like, Is she involved? Do you have a family vision? Do a family direction? Like, yeah, we're talking about doing dishes and stuff like that. But bro, this comes back to the family leadership question, which is, are you actually leading for the right reasons? Do you know where she wants to go? Does she know where you are going so that she can actually follow you. And if you're not communicating, good luck. You have to communicate all this all the time we over communicate all the time. I used to think like, yeah, why would you want to hear that? It doesn't matter. Nobody cares about that stuff. Like, I don't need to hear all that. And you don't need to hear all the things I'm thinking about. So I'll just say nothing. I'll just be stoic. No, that's stupid. How are you supposed to connect? How are you supposed to become intimate in your relationship? If nobody knows the reality of the other person? So all is to say, have this conversation with her. Just have with her? Where do you like? How can I help you? What do you want me to do? Where do you feel best? What do we need to work on? Because yes, I go out of my way to be hardcore, and do the dishes and do more, because at least a couple things a day I want to be doing so that my wife knows that I love her. And if I can take some, some weight off her plate. She had four kids, she homeschools just a baby. Just everything. Just so many things around the house. And yeah, I work great. And she does the same for me. Here's the thing. It's not just all me doing it. But if it was, it wouldn't matter to me. Hey, so she goes out of her way to serve me too is beautiful. We love it. But I gotta win on my way to serve her. And if she like, I don't feel sick or something like that for a couple weeks. I don't care. You think I'm gonna like hockey, I'm not gonna serve anymore. Because you know, she hasn't given me anything. Cry baby boo. You don't need anything. You're the man, you're the leader, you set the tone if she's not following up because you're not doing a good enough job leading. And if at some point, you are doing a good enough job leading, then you're gonna have the question, then you got to have the conversation. Okay, you have to be able to sit down be like, Look, I am doing everything here. Why don't you trust me yet? Like I am. I'm gonna have this confrontational conversation to be like, what's going on? Why aren't you coming along with me? Where are you still feeling hurt? Why aren't you carrying on it could be because she's feeling hurt. It could be that she's feeling she's been left behind. And she's now realizing that you are taking responsibility for all of your side of the street, she finally has to take responsibility for her side of the street, she might not be ready for that. You're kind of forcing her into that. And even though it's great, and she would just do it, it would be awesome for you both. A lot of people are not ready to be forced into hey, here's all your problems. It's like, oh, man, just think about that. mentioned if your wife like things, were just like, whatever. Your wife all sudden became like, just so extra doing all the things perfect in everything you see. And you're like, Well, yeah, what about your stuff? She's like, Oh, no, I don't have any of that anymore. Like, I'm just gonna sit this is okay. I can deal with this. I can help handle all your crap. And suddenly you're like, oh, maybe I'm thinking that I'm angry about is actually my fault. If you're not ready for that you're gonna go into a rage fit probably like, oh, no, can't believe this. So my fault Oh, and you're gonna just feel terrible because it's so confronting and you have no, like support in that if you're not expecting it. Same thing is probably happening for her. Okay, so be gentle, be compassionate, have the conversations lead her into that have hard conversations to like, Hey, I'm doing a lot right now. I want us to be in the same direction. I need some more from you. What does it gonna look like? How can we do that? That's okay, too. But you have to be taking care of your side of the street first. Too many guys have that conversation like Hey, babe, do more. When they're like they've only been doing it for like a week or two. And they think that gives them any, any trust or respect to be able to do that back to her. She's like, bro, you haven't done anything. You've literally spent the last 10 years shitting on us. And you've been doing good for two weeks, and you want to tell me I'd go like Go Go Go stuff at man. Right? So you have to have your stuff. Totally dialed in. And then take it. Okay, take the fact that you're not getting anything back. Good. Become that sucker, sacrificial servant leader. What we want obviously, is for both parties to work together toward the same goal serving each other at their expense, getting more because of it. That's the ideal marriage. But if he's not there yet, because you've been an asshole, and because you didn't step up and lead. At some point, yes, it is your responsibility. 100%. But like I said, at the very start of this podcast, it's always your responsibility as a leader, man. And if you both end up coming towards that beautiful, everything works perfectly. And if unfortunately, you're the only one who ever does, man, grin and bear it, because she's gonna have to make a decision sooner or later whether or not she's willing to live with that. Sometimes she's not. And that's tragic. But there's nothing you can do about that. Because you can only get control of everything inside the circle around you. Okay? And by control, I don't mean like controlling the external world. I mean, literally anything inside the circle that's like, an inch outside of your body. That's what you can control and that is your reaction to things. So you can either be a moping, complaining, crybaby. Or you can crush it because that's what an amazing man does. Man, husband, father, who's leading this kid, you're gonna see that it doesn't matter how your wife reacts. Just be human. Just do the best version of you you possibly can. It's gonna be incredible. Anyway, man, we're coming up on 15 minutes. That's great. And I think that's it for today. I think we're gonna get into all these other questions later on. Hopefully this was useful. Let me know on Spotify, let me know on Instagram, we know via email if this was useful, or if it was just me reiterating a bunch of stuff over and over pointlessly because that's also possible. So anyway, guys, no matter Are you out today? Do the right thing. Make sure that your habits are dialed in. Wake up early workout every day, be intentional with your nutrition. Do something that your wife and kids feel connected to you. With no expectations of reciprocation, set an intention, be grateful, like very basic things. Get off your phone, stop watching porn, stop playing video games, stop being stupid in your whole, wondering if everyone else around you likes you. And then like being so selfish, that you're lost in that and you can't be with a wife and kids. It is very simple. But it's not easy, right? You'll get so distracted. Anyway, I'm gonna stop here. Do the right thing. Be an excellent beat elite, man, husband, a father and just decide, doesn't matter. If you don't know how to do just decide like you're going to try you're gonna fail doesn't matter. You're gonna be so much better than if you're like, I don't know if I can start, bro. Your wife and kids lives are on the line. Well, you have to wait. How could you possibly wait? Let's go. Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this, make sure to subscribe, leave us a five star rating on Apple or Spotify. Follow us on Instagram. If you want to do this with us inside the Dad.Work Brotherhood every day with training with accountability with brotherhood with coaching. You can apply Dad.Work slash apply to 12 month commitment. It is a time effort and financial commitment. It will change your life it'll change your family for generations to come. So, you know, I could charge a million dollars and it would still be cheap. But it's not a million dollars. It's less than that. So I would love to have you apply if that has been something in your heart that you want to completely commit to and get better become elite as a family leader because I don't know what's more important. There's nothing more important guys. Anyway, thanks for listening. Follow me Dad work.com on Instagram, and we'll talk soon peace.
Thank you for listening to the dad work podcast. That's it for this episode. But if you would like to stay in touch between weekly episodes, why don't you go over to Instagram and follow me there because I drop a number of things throughout the week that are related to what we talked about on this podcast but usually go a little bit deeper provide some tips you can find me on Instagram at dad work dot Kurt that's da d w o RK dot c u r t. And please if you have been getting something out of this podcast if it has touched you if it has improved your marriage or parenting or your life, would you please leave a quick review on Apple or Spotify. leave a rating. If you have a few extra seconds leave a quick review. That's the best way that we can get this work in the hands of more fathers. And I truly believe that we change the world, one father at a time because each father that parents better that loves better raises children who do the same. And in just a couple of generations. I feel like we could be living in a world much better than the one we live in today. Your review will help along that path. And I thank you so much for being here to listen until next week. We'll see you then.
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