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On today’s Q&A episode, I answer questions about:
- Should a man reconcile with his family after he left them, or is it ever okay to move on and start a new relationship?
- Getting demoralized from a wife’s lack of buy-in
- Women who are afraid to let their husbands lead because it’s all they’ve ever known
- How long it takes to earn trust back from your wife once you’ve lost it
- Traits of a good father
- Should you use daily affirmations?
- How to lead your family as a young father
- Prioritizing achieving great things outside the home and your responsibility in the home
If you are the foundation of your family, you are the firm footing. They build their lives on. You carry a glorious burden and you never dream of laying it down. You carry it with joy and gratitude. You show up, even when you don't feel like it. You lead, serve, love and protect. You are a father. This is the dead word podcast where men are forged into elite husbands and fathers by learning what it takes to become harder to kill, easier to love and equipped to lead. Get ready to start building the only legacy that truly matters. Your family
Curt Storring 1:00
welcome to the Dad.Work podcast. My name is Curt Storring, your host and the founder of Dad.Work. Guys, we are back here for q&a Episode number three, I am still slogging through the dozens of questions you guys sent. So I hope this is useful. A little bit of a shorter episode, we are going to be trying to give succinct answers to as many questions as possible today. So please buckle in and enjoy if I answered your question, hopefully this helps. If you have any questions, hit me up on Instagram dad work dot Kurt and just send me a DM with a question. I'll add it to our list. And I'll get there on the next q&a episode, guys. Two things here real quick. If you've been enjoying the podcast, if you got any value out of this at all, would you just subscribe wherever you're listening, and then leave a quick review a rating or review whatever it is it helps get this in the ears of more dads and guys, I honestly believe one of the biggest problems maybe the biggest problem is a lack of great dads today. And it's not because we all suck. It's because we didn't have great dads and their dads didn't have great dads and it goes back. And so guys, if we can start to be the tip of the spear that makes fatherhood amazing that makes it aspirational for our kids. The best way to make this a real movement that benefits not only us and our kids, but the world around us so that our kids have peers raised by amazing dads. That's pretty cool, right? If you want to help that out, leaving a review is one of the best ways to do that. And if you have not yet signed up for the 10 day elite dad challenge Dad.Work slash challenge, super quick, super simple, free 10 Day Challenge. If you stack all of these challenges over the course of 10 days, you will see results in your marriage and your family in the way you feel about yourself every single day. So Dad.Work slash challenge, guys. That's it. Very simple handshake agreement. I can't see if you do that. But I'm going to believe that you will, because you are a man of integrity if you're listening to this. So guys, thank you very much for that review. Thank you for subscribing. And thank you for signing up making the world a better place by joining the challenge. Here we go. On today's episode for a q&a with me. Let's go.
All right, here we are for the third round of q&a. From questions you guys sent in and listeners of the podcast, we're going to go through a number of questions today, we'll see how many we get through. But this is a great way for you guys to be able to ask questions and get them answered directly from me on here. Consider it like a mini coaching session where you know, you can take it or leave it obviously. But I'm going to do my best to suggest the answers to your questions. So we're going to dive right in. This one, I'm just going to suggest is probably not asking for a friend. This one's a little bit of a leading question here. But I might as well comment on it. It says asking for a friend. Should men who've left their girlfriends fiance's slash wives and children try to repair that relationship to recover the nuclear family or should that man move on and try again with someone new? Thank you. Well, if this is happening to you, I'm sorry about that. And the leading question is going to give you the answer that you expect, which is of course, he should try and reconcile. So if you're in the situation, and you're a dad, come on, what are you doing, get back there, and absolutely put the work in because these are your children. And the best way for them to grow up. The best way is going to be with you around and it's going to be through you working through your relationship and not being so selfish just to think that, you know, you don't need to do that. You are like it's not serving me. I want to do things my way. I want certain things. Do that. You got kids and you made a commitment. So get back there and work on the family that goes for everyone. Let's just get that out of the way now that you're spending more time with that. Next question says if I bumped into you on the street, at first, thank you for the instructional podcasts you're producing and then ask you what advice would you have for a father trying to parent and lead with intention but frequently getting demoralized because of his wife's lack of buy in? There's a lot to unpack there, but I think that's fairly concise. Well, thank you for the question. Thank you for the kind words and this Something that we see, you know, not irregularly, I think a lot of the times, it's actually the wife who is feeling this way for the husband. And I get a lot of DMS, from wives for like, I'm trying to do everything I'm doing, why is my husband doing anything? What do you suggest I'm doing but especially true for the men in our coaching program, is how do you get a wife who has been sort of checked out because of your lack of leadership for a long time to buy back in when you start doing the work, that's going to be difficult. And we have to first of all start with this idea of being compassionate, because we have likely failed up to this point, we have not led the family, we have not provided expectations, we have not shown her that we can be trusted to lead. And so in her pain, I'm talking about the wife here, in her pain of like, wow, my life, I didn't realize there's gonna be like this, I didn't realize this and have no direction didn't realize my husband was just going to sort of leave me high and dry by checking out, she's probably found coping mechanisms that are unhealthy, and she sort of checked out because it would be easier to check out than it would be to face the truth and face facts and feel all the pain she's feeling. Now is that a license to check out in sin? Absolutely not. She's still responsible for her actions. However, you as the head of your household, I would submit is are still responsible for the entire household. And so if your wife has a lack of buy in, that cannot stop you from continuing to show up as an elite man and husband and father. All of those things, not just man and father, but man and husband and father, you are called and ought continue to love your wife through that you should be doing more to earn her trust, if you have broken that trust. And you should be over communicating. I tell the guys in the coaching program all the time, you gotta be over communicating here, so that she knows you're taking this seriously, and so that she knows you're actually willing to see her and hear her and feel her. So first of all, there's no excuse. And when I say no excuse, I'm like, I'm literally talking about this as well. Not just like no excuse, except for when your wife isn't buying it. I'm talking about like, there's no excuse for you not to show up. And so let's just like remove the decision fatigue, like, Oh, should I show up? Should it be an asshole to her? What should I do? Like, no, of course, you should be a good husband. Just decide, that takes away all the pressure of making decisions in the moment for how you should show up, always show up your best. That being said, there's a way for you then to go in and lead your wife back to buying in basically now there are two ways to this go that this will go. One is she's so uncomfortable that you are bringing up her errors and her sin and her actions, that she will close down even more, and she will look for an exit strategy. I've seen this happen. All of the men I've worked with, for whom this has happened, they have been, I'm not going to say glad. But I will say they have been grateful that they did the work regardless of whether their wife made a poor choice to leave or not. So I just want to put that out there. I don't think I've worked with any men, yet. The few men whose marriages were so far gone that they could not be recovered. The men who do this worker always pleased that they are on a good standing, because they put the onus then on their wife, hey, I'm showing up. Well, here's where I'm going, here's where I'd like you to come with me. Are you willing to do that? Here's what like the boundaries are. Some women do not want to be faced with their own sin. And they will take that checking out to a whole new level and leave completely so number one, unfortunately, you letting it get to this point that is one of the consequences you may have to bear no, I hope not. I'm all about reconciliation, I hope that your wife can have this reconciled heart as well. And you leading her back to that is by you showing up you being trustworthy man of integrity, you doing your habits deck every day, you asking about how she is and what she's thinking and how you can help you opening up and becoming vulnerable to her with apologies and ownership if necessary. you sharing your expectations and setting boundaries with her to show her what you expect and what is reasonable behavior in relationship. And continuing to do the work and bringing two are not in a, hey, you better do this work, because I think you could really use it. But more of like a hey, I'm really excited that I'm doing this work. And here's where it's leading me. And here's what I want for our family. And here's the marriage that I envision for us. And here's how I see it, you and me working together on this. So be the light in her family in her life in her household that encourages her to actually do the work that is the best that you can do because you cannot force someone to change. But you can inspire them to do so. And sometimes that takes rocking the boat. So you've got to be able to rock the boat, you've got to be able to speak truth because being passive is not loving. passively accepting things that are hurtful is not loving, it's actually allowing someone to or it's stopping someone from the chance to repent. So speak truth, lovingly and compassionately holding all the space and having all the forgiveness. But sometimes it will only come to a head when you're willing to say all the things you're currently holding inside because you're resentful. So keep that in mind. But when it comes specifically to getting demoralized don't get demoralized. This is on you if your wife can demoralize you if your wife can, like, if her emotions change how you show up, she's leading, right? Like she's got the power to like bully or whatever. And I know it's annoying. I know it's frustrating if she's not bought in. But if that can throw you off your game enough to like, make your family not good. She's actually leading with her motion. So don't let her do that. Anyway, hopefully that's helpful. We'll move on to next question here. All the question says is women who are afraid to let their husbands lead because it's all they've ever known or done. So whether or not they're I know, there are moms listening to this, I know their wives listening to this. So I'll dress sort of both sides here, which, you know, a lot of the questions are actually about things just like this. If you are a man, and you want to start leading, I've already touched on this in past episodes, so we're not gonna go too deep, but you need to rebuild the trust, so that she can let go of her grasp on control and leadership. And trust that you're not going to drive her into a brick wall, if you take the wheel. So do these things for long enough time period. Don't slip up, own every time you do slip up, own all your past mistakes, be super honest and vulnerable, when necessary. And you'll start to like, rebuild that trust, and then show her how you're going to lead her into the future. sure how you're gonna lead a family, sure how you're going to lead yourself, and where you're gonna bring the family. So she wants to be part of it. And then it's her job to submit to that. But you can make it much easier. By doing a good job yourself and building trust, if you're a wife doing this, I understand. Because you're like, covering your heart, you're trying not to get hurt. Again, it's very hurtful if your husband betrays that trust by not leading, you have to, though, lean more into that feminine nature that you are designed by God to have, which is nurturing, which is following, which is, you know, being the helpmeet, so to speak, taking care of the home, whatever your roles in your relationship are doing those things, which are not masculine and leadership, you need to give your husband a chance to do this work, especially if he is actually doing the work, if he's in our program, if you're gonna coach, if he's just like, if you know he's doing the work and he's changing, you have to be gracious enough to accept that and take a risk because he's taking a risk doing this work and being vulnerable with you. You need to meet him there and take a risk that you can trust him even if you don't think he's perfect. That's a huge conversation. I know a lot of guys are talking about that right now will, my friend well, on renaissance of man, he's had a number of conversations on his podcast about this. You know, you're not supposed to be following a perfect man, you're supposed to be following your husband and you chose him. You submitted to him, You gave him your life. And he might not be doing a perfect job, but you're not looking for perfect, okay, if he's a pretty good provider, and a pretty good man, and a pretty good husband and pretty good father, that's great. Don't make it harder by trying to lead as well. Don't think don't buy into the sort of feminist hype that, you know, you've got to do it all, you got to have the job, you've got to have the daycare, and you've got to have the kids but not spend too much time with them. Because you need to do you and you need to be independent. Like, that's a recipe for misery. And so I'm just going to, you know, lay that out there as honestly as I can and just say, men lead women, submit and follow both of you love, it's for both of your greater goods. None of this is like power struggles or dynamics, that's stupid. These are loving relationships are trying to build here. So keep that in mind. It's not about like, if I do this, and she does this, and then I do this. And then she's like, No, just serve each other, serve each other so that they don't have to pick up the slack. I do the things for my wife. So she doesn't have to pick up slack where I'm involved. She does things because she knows that if she doesn't do it, I'll do it. But she loves me. And I love her and we want to make each other's lives easier. And it's like, I don't know if, if you guys have kids, you've probably seen the movie. What is it the Emperor's New Groove when that dude turns into a llama? And he's like, in this crevice with his bro, or is he's not Abro at that time, but they're like backs are up against each other, and their feet are on the wall. And as they push against each other, they're able to walk up that wall because they're working together building each other up. That's kind of what a marriage should be like. So you know if that's all you've ever done, right? Try something new. Life's too short to be miserable. Just enjoy embrace and trust. Alright, the next question here is How long did it take your wife to really accept the new you? What about other men? Okay, so we've answered this number of times on the podcast with my wife, check those out. I can't remember what number they are. I'll put them in the show notes, a link in the show notes Dad.Work, slash podcasts, you can hear those. But there's a number of number of steps here. You know, it was a few weeks when things like really changed that you really push back. And it was like not not an intentional push back just really trying to find that trust, could she really trust me. So guys need to understand that women will push back harder when you get better, because they really need to know and that's not necessarily on purpose. And, you know, overall, I mean, this is a this is a years long process. For me. This is a years long process for almost anybody who does it. And so there will be different layers and levels of trust, depending on your specific situation now, I really encourage men to have hard conversations and schedule weekly check ins with your wife so that you can check in on what you're doing, how she's feeling about it where she's at, because I've also seen that when men start doing the work. Some women are very slow to forgive. And while I understand like I did, like I just suggested in the last answer, it becomes not useful. It doesn't become something that really serves anyone at some point, you have to be able to open yourself back up otherwise, like, what's the point of being married. So I just want to like encourage you, if you have been hurt, if you're not sure about this, obviously, you need to be able to trust each other. But it is so hurtful if you continue to make him jump through hoops, ladies, to prove over and over and over beyond a shadow of a doubt. At some point, you're being ridiculous. If you don't trust that, you know, he's doing most of stuff mostly Well, most of the time, he can't be perfect. And if he's trying, and if he's like doing his best, and if you're not telling him any feedback to get better, but you're just like complaining about it, maybe communicate with him. If you guys are not communicating about everything all the time, this is going to be really hard. So like, you know, I've kind of answered this question already. It takes a while it takes a few weeks, if like an acute sort of trust, takes years for long term trust. But along the way, you should be allowing for more space to surrender and give more trust to each other. So that you can actually build each other up again. Another suggestion here for question is what are the traits of a good debt man, we could list probably a lot. Brandon's gonna rifle these off, these are off the top of my head. I'm not preparing for these because I find that is when the good stuff happens. But for me, I love the idea of a father as a provider and a protector, obviously, I also love the idea of a father standing in the way of foolishness, like guests can curry said, that's been on my mind since he said it. And really, we are there to bring our children through life in the way that they need to go. So it's about encouraging them, it's about affirming them, it's about setting boundaries for them. And it's honestly about raising them. And that for parents these days for dads these days, is sometimes hard to hear, because we've got this culture that says, Oh, let them do their own thing. Let them find out who they are, you know, all this kind of stuff where that doesn't actually make a lot of sense. If you are a father, and you can speak into your children's lives, you must do that, you should have some idea where they're going, you should be able to lead them in a direction that is good for them character wise and trait wise and value wise, without stifling who they are. So there is this idea of leading your children, there's this idea of parenting them. But a lot of people get this wrong and they go, Well, I want them to have this amount of money. I want them to be like a doctor wanting to go to Harvard. That's not what I mean. I mean, how do you make your child respectful, and responsible, and all these other traits and characteristics that you know will serve him or her? Well, I think that's what a dad must do. And so a father needs to be compassionate, he needs to be strong, he needs to be aggressive at times it because he's a man. And he needs to be long suffering patient needs to be gentle. But he also needs to be challenging. Like there's a lot of things, there's this balance in fatherhood. And you see this around you see this and all the good things in the world. You see this in God the Father, there's equal parts, justice, and mercy, love, and wrath. And so if you're looking for, you know, a good model for Father, I would go directly to God and Father, obviously, that's going to be the best version of fatherhood, you can find, and, you know, find his characteristics and try your best to copy those that you're not going to get anywhere close. But if you're aiming towards those, that's going to be a great way to start. This is this is probably a topic of a whole other podcast. I'll make a note on that, because I think we can really get into the weeds here. So hopefully, that does it for you for now. I have another question here about daily affirmations. So I, you know, I've gone through multiple seasons, where I use affirmations I have gone through intention, setting gratitude, the way that I do my days right now is I start every day with gratitude, three things I'm grateful for, as well as setting an intention that intention is often simply to be hard to kill, easy to love and equipped to lead that is just like the dad work mantra. That is everything that I think accomplishes that balance I just talked about in the last question. And, you know, there are times when affirmation is necessary, because you don't feel good about yourself, and you don't know what it's looks like to trust yourself. You maybe don't have confidence in yourself. And so I would say like beyond affirmations, you want to start learning how to respect yourself. And what does that look like you're a man who keeps His word, you're a trustworthy man of integrity. You do what you say you're going to do, you do hard things to prove to yourself that you can do hard things, and that you are not going to die when the going gets rough. And that you are not going to fail on these things. And even when you do fail, you get up and dust yourself off and try again, as you start doing hard things and as you start growing as a man, as you go to the gym, you build your physique. As you become disciplined with your nutrition. As you start to learn how to communicate better as you start to work harder at work, whether that's your own business or somebody else's business and you just start like putting in the actual work to be excellent. As you start to develop competence. I was just listening to a podcast on this the other day, you will gain confidence. And so what you Do can really help you feel better about yourself without needing to say affirmations? Because I think and I've been thinking about this a lot since ranking said on my podcast, or maybe it's just a conversation but But men need to be respected, even self respected, whereas women have a different need to be loved. And yes, we have a need to be loved. Yes, we are beloved sons, and all this kind of stuff. But there's a difference in respect. And I have experienced, you know, affirmations and self love and all this kind of stuff, it sometimes feels good for a little minute, but it never truly lasts. And so that's why I think action. And competency is the thing you're looking for here, rather than just self affirmations. Like, good, I can take it. I mean, there are things like mantras almost that you can say which one of the things that I do all the time, as I say, just start again, like this moment, right here, I might have screwed up up until this moment, but I'm just going to start again, here because I can, there's no rules not to, I'm forgiven all the rest of this kind of stuff, I'm just gonna start again and take a deep breath, and just decide how to act. That's one. Another one that came from inside our brotherhood is I can take it, you know, if you are going through a hard time, relationship, kids, whatever it is, I can take it because you're a man, and you can't take it, there's nothing on earth that is so tempting, or so hard that you can't take it. And another doesn't seem like it in the dark parts. But it's true, you can always take it and that is glorious in your role as a man to be able to take it especially for your wife and kids. Because that is such a great thing that we as fathers can do, is carry a burden. So that they don't have to. And that's wonderful, that's glorious. That is something we should do. So I'm not even going to I'm not even sure if I can give you affirmations, because of everything I just said, I'm feeling more convicted that, you know, those are usually hollow. And you get those things by going into your pain. Like why do you feel like you need affirmation in the first place? Why are you not feeling worthy about that? Why are you not feeling like you're good enough? Go there, man. Like, it's hard and it hurts. But that's where the gold is gonna be. You've got to admit your pain and admit your story and go there and tell your story. So that you can actually work through that and realize that it's no longer true. Because often these things these parts of not being good enough, it's because we didn't get that love from our fathers or mothers or a bully or something like that. And we need to go back and go like, Wait, is that true? Still? Like, am I actually the six year old who still doesn't have his dad's affirmation? Like, do I not have my own affirmation? Am I not a beloved Son of God? Like there's there's so many ways that we can go back but it takes not spiritual bypassing, they say, you know, going, Oh, no, it's fine. I just need to say affirmations. Like, actually, you probably need to hurt for a while and grieve the loss of you know what you didn't get. And that's okay, you just gotta go through that doesn't make you bad. Just feel it for a while, feel upset about journaling, talk to a friend, hire a coach, you know, whatever you need to do to get past that. And then through action, rewrite your story, such that you are a competent and confident individual who doesn't need affirmations, because you get them every day, by the way you show up? Already. The next question here, my wife is pregnant. It's our first baby. I'm 19. If it wasn't for people like us some time ago, I would have thought that we might be too young for this, how can I be elite at being husband and the father when a very young baby comes into play? How do I serve and leave my family the best in this situation? Man, that is so awesome. I'm glad that this work is inspiring you because too few young people are taking this seriously. I think we were 23 or something when I first was born, so a little bit older than you but compared to most people these days, significantly younger. So I just want to say man, like it's the same as everyone, you are going to be a little bit younger on the curve. But there's huge benefits from that, too. If you can, like accept that things are gonna suck for a little while because they're supposed to, like nobody ever told me that you're supposed to grow and like learn in your 20s. And then like, you know, spend your 30s building your 40s becoming better at this. And then like, you got your 50s you got your 60s Like did you probably have a really long life to go, I was always under the impression that like, bro, I need to figure this out. Now I gotta be a millionaire. Now I need to figure everything immediately. Otherwise, I'm a loser. And that really caused me a lot of grief. So I would say, Get around other good men, whether that's a church group, or a men's group or something like that, a local group with guys who are living the life that you want to live, who can speak into your life and keep you on the straight and narrow and be open with them. Like, accept, be humble, allow them to speak into your life and correct you and rebuke you when needed. And generally it's the same thing, man, it's just gonna be harder and take longer and you might not make as much money at first, obviously, if you're a few years older, but that's okay. Like kids don't eat very much, man. I mean, a mom at home, if possible, need to breastfeed, they don't need a bunch of toys. They don't need like a jolly jumper. They don't need a stroller, get a rapper, a carrier, just carry them in your IRAs man, like, I got four kids. And that's most of what we do with our fourth baby. Now. It's not like, Oh, I just gotta get all these fancy things like we don't need very much. So find a safe place to live, get a good job, work hard, know that it's going to take some time, work on yourself, communicate extremely well with your wife have a direction of where you want to go, which means you've got to know who you are. What are your values? What are you aiming for? How are you going to get there, have a plan. It's not going to work out how you want it to work out, but it's going to work out if you continue to move forward. I think that That's probably one of the best things you could possibly do. Just take action, just understand it's a long ballgame, just understand that you're not going to get everything perfect, but that's okay. And really go all in on your marriage or relationship, get some counseling, if you haven't got it already, just so that you have these conversations, because one thing of being young, it has nothing to do with being young, it just has to do with probably being part of the group, the generation that didn't have a lot of good fathers around, you probably don't have a great sense of like how to communicate how to lead how to love your wife, how to parent what you need to be looking for. So like I said, Get around good man, find a counselor, like a marriage counselor, or church or something like that. And yeah, man, just like, go all in, give yourself no escape. And know that this is your life from now on. And there's nothing that's going to be more important than the work you're doing right now. And you'll look back at this in 10 years and be like, man, yeah, I'm still young, but it's so sick. Now that I've got like, a 10 year old and I'm only 29 By the time they graduate, I'm still going to be in like my 30s I have an awesome relationship, we're going to be super like, we're it's going to be awesome to be with my kids. And that's gonna give you a unique perspective going forward that eventually you'll be able to help people who are in your situation as well. So what are the keys like? There's no give up. There's no quitting. There's nothing like that. You just have to put in the work to continue to get better yourself. Be humble and learn from people realize that it's a long ballgame. And mmm, all in all the time you've got this going another question here that says the man is doing a lot of work. He's working out reading, applying things like the 10 day email challenge we have doing self improvement books, podcasts. But all these things don't seem to be good enough for those around me. Number one, keep doing them anyway. Number two, you got to become self referenced, not externally referenced. I know in relationships, you have to be able to earn the trust. We've talked about that a lot in this podcast already. But yeah, keep moving. And don't worry so much people don't like it, because a lot of guys will let the testing of other people like we mentioned before, as you start getting better and your wife's like, yeah, right? Because she's trying to keep herself feeling safe. And so she pushes back and you're like, oh, no, why are you pushing back? Oh, I'm off my game. Now. She's like I knew it. I knew I couldn't trust you. Because I can throw you off your game, you cannot be trusted. So in this time, you must, must must find your own, like self motivation here, you're going to be driven for yourself. You cannot care what anybody else thinks. You have to know in your heart that you're actually doing the work and getting better. So that is a confidence thing that is truly knowing who you are, and having some self awareness around where you are in your journey. And it is doing the work even when nobody else is around you accepting it. You can also go back to part of this podcast we talked about, like having those conversations, voicing expectations, asking where your wife sat, you know all these things, get someone to speak in your life to go like you're here's why I don't trust that this is working. Here's what I'm seeing that is happening. And then you get to judge you got to be very honest with yourself here. Whether or not that's true, because a lot of times the feedback will be true. And you got to be like, oh, man, that was a blind spot. Didn't see it going to work on that. Thank you. But sometimes equally, you've got to be able to say, You know what? That used to be true. And it's no longer true. And here's why. Here's how I know that. I'd like you person who's telling me this to please try notice this and see if this is really true. And I understand that I thank you for your feedback. But I am actually doing this work and I am changing. So don't stop, continue at it. And you'll get there. And you know what, if you don't, you have to be okay with that you cannot allow other people's opinions, you can allow other people's thoughts to impact how you show up and how you do the work. Even if the world is against you. If you are doing the right thing, you must continue to do the right thing at all costs. So let that be an encouragement to you do not stop, but make sure you've been very honest with yourself. Alright, we're going to do a last one here a shorter episode. That's all right, we're playing around with different styles. Here, I'm even playing around with a few more styles, which you'll see in a little bit. Hope you like that. But let's end this on this one. I'm a high school teacher and coach, I find myself constantly at odds with wanting to achieve great things at school for other people's kids. Instead of spending every second with mine, I'd love to know your thoughts on this and whether that's the right thing to do. Like for instance, I want to open up our weight room for the students to work out before or after school. But that puts more pressure on my wife and leaves her alone with the kids. I have no idea what's best. Well, great question. First thing you need to do is figure out what your values are. You also then need to figure out how to make decisions with your values as like a ladder. So does the choice you're making staying later at school and opening the the room in the weight room? Does that align with your values? What's your first value? Yes or no? What's your second value? Yes or no? What's your third value? Yes or no? And if not, then don't do it. Usually, I think most of people listening myself included family is going to be a very high value your relationship with your wife, your ability to lead your family your ability to connect with your kids and parent them and lead them a father them I should say and if those things are suffering, because you're going out of your way to do more of this at work than it has to be no but if you're like well you know instead of coming number three, I come up with five and you know I only work nine to three anyways. And you know it's two extra hours But I'm not even working a full nine to five, then you know what, maybe you have that discussion with your wife and be like, hey, look, babe, like, we're really blessed, I don't work, you know, whatever hours, I need to stay open, because it's very important to me. And this is going to help me lead these people and they not getting that leadership anywhere else. And then you know, you have the discussion. And that's, and that's fine. But if she's like, being left at home with kids, and she's got all day, she's there, and you're not helping, because you're out doing this stuff for other people's kids. I mean, you're not going to be able to your best, you're going to best disciple your own family, right. And if you're leaving your family to try to disciple other people's kids, I understand it's noble, in a sense, but like you're missing your main opportunity. So you want to make a difference. Like if that's your motivation, which is something else to look into why do you want to do this? Do you not want to be at home? Do you really want to make a difference? What is the thing that's actually driving you here, if that's to make a difference in the world, then start at home man, like all of us need to start at home, that is the number one place of impact we're going to have. And there will be a time when your wife and children do not need you at home the same way they do right now. And maybe you can lean into them then. So what can you be doing in the meantime, right? Like maybe there's one day a week, or maybe there's like leadership courses or books that you can take so that 510 years from now, you can be like the ultimate, teacher and coach, and you can have that extra time while also being able to navigate the mentorship role a little bit better than you would now because you'll have all that extra experience. But if you sacrifice the home, for this desire that you have, which seems to be not family related, I'm going to suggest it might be sort of one of those selfish things that come up where we want what we want. And look, yes, a man needs to have a goal, he needs to have a vision, he needs to have purpose needs to fight a battle, he has to go to war. But if it's at the expense of what's most important, you got to pull back. Now, I want to be clear here, you cannot pull back all the way such that you have no external battle. Your wife and children will be like, What are you doing man? Like, get out there and do something, excite us, bring us along for the ride, have a challenge, like whatever we're going to do be adventurous. Because we don't want to be the adventure. We want to come with you. But we want to we don't want to be that adventure. And so there's a balance, obviously communicate with your wife, but really, truly understand why you're doing things. Look at your values, check against them. Is this the right call? How could you make it the right call what is like the middle ground where everyone can have what they want. At the same time, you're the one who makes the final call. So make sure you're not having like a passive acceptance of any of this, make sure you're actively taking responsibility and making that call. So hopefully that helps guys, we will have more episodes like this in the future. If you want more information on how to be an elite man who has been a father, if you're sick of having a crappy home life, I highly encourage you to do one of two things. Number one, if you haven't already, sign up for a free 10 Day elite that challenge 10 emails over 10 days. super basic stuff. But when you do these things regularly, and you complete the challenge and put it all together, things changed pretty quick. It's free, it's 10 days Dad.Work slash challenge Dad.Work slash challenge in your browser. The second thing is, if you want to do this work with us, like if you want to have access to me with these questions all the time, and you want to structure to follow if you want like a step by step plan to find out what your values are to find out who you are to find out what your identity is to find out where you're going to find out how to lead, learn how to communicate, learn how to love better learn how to be in marriage, and parent fatherhood better, if you want a group of men around you to push you and support you. If you basically want family life, to be the best part of your life. I encourage you to join us in the battle brother, that's our group coaching program. This is where super committed dads go. When they know that family is the most important thing and they need to learn how to lead because when you learn how to lead yourself, and then you learn how to lead your family. Almost all marriage parenting family problems go away. And that's what we teach you to do inside the Brotherhood. So if you're interested in that, you can go to Dad.Work slash apply. There's a quick application forum and then we'll hop on a 20 minute zoom call where I can get to know you make extra sure we can actually help and if we can, I'll invite you in and if I can't, I will just send you on your way with recommendation. I know a lot of guys in this space so I probably know someone who can help you if it's not me so that being said thank you guys for listening so much and we appreciate you following along with the dead work podcast and the Instagram and soon to come to YouTube. And of course this podcast thank you guys very much take care
Thank you for listening to the dad work podcast that's it for this episode. But if you would like to stay in touch between weekly episodes, why don't you go over to Instagram and follow me there because I drop a number of things throughout the week that are related to what we talked about on this podcast but usually go a little bit deeper provide some tips you can find me on Instagram at dad work dot Kurt that's da di W O RK dot c u r t and please if you have been getting something out of this podcast if it has touched you if it has improved your marriage, your parenting or your life. Would you please leave a quick review on Apple or Spotify. You leave a rating. If you have a few extra seconds, leave a quick review. That's the best way that we can get this work in the hands of more fathers. And I truly believe that we change the world, one father at a time, because each father that parents better that loves better raises children who do the same. And in just a couple of generations, I feel like we could be living in a world much better than the one we live in today. Your review will help along that path. And I thank you so much for being here to listen until next week. We'll see you then.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
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