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I go deep today answering your questions before providing a personal and mission update that should be helpful for you to hear:

  • How do you get a wife/family to subscribe to more structure, particularly around, after school/evening routine, such that family is going to sleep at consistent times, and therefore able to wake up/be energized, prepared for life?
  • How can a man learn to develop empathy and validation?
  • The process of inverting a relationship/marriage that was previously NOT polar
  • Can you expend on the transition period from angry to peaceful? And any tools/tactics.
  • How can I learn to focus more on me?
  • How can I rekindle the sex life?

Curt Q&A Podcast Episode Sept 19 2023

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[00:00:00] Curt: Hey guys, we're here for another Q and a episode with me, Curt Storring host of The Dad.Work Pocast. And I want to let you know, one thing before you jump in. I just ran out of questions you guys asked me a ton of questions a couple of months ago. And this is the episode that covers the last of them. So I'd love to hear your questions for new episodes. I think these AMAs are really good. The Q and a episodes we've done have had great feedback. And I want to hear more of your questions so that I can answer them directly and hopefully make this podcast even more valuable. If you have a question that you want me to answer, why don't you hop over to https://dad.work/ama/ that's https://dad.work/ama/. And that will redirect you to a form.

[00:00:24] That's got an area for you to ask a question and I will get to all of these on future episodes. Thank you guys. Very much. Ask a question, dad.work/ama. Now let's get into this episode where I go deep on a lot of specific questions. And then at the end of this episode, probably halfway through, I give you some real life vulnerable updates on my life, how I'm moving forward and what the future of dad work holds. Thanks for joining me. And here is today's episode.

[00:00:39] Welcome back to dad work podcast. It's Curt storing. And what we're going to do today is do a little bit of Q and a, probably a little bit of personal share as well. There's a new version of dad work coming through, I think. So we're going to talk about that today, but let's just jump into some Q and a.

[00:00:53] Curt: I had you guys send me a bunch of questions a while ago, and we'll try to perhaps get through the rest of them. We'll see how much we go, but I'm just going to jump right in. Hopefully this will be useful for dads, [00:01:00] husbands, family leaders. First question. How do you get a wife slash family to subscribe to more structure, particularly around afterschool slash evening routine such that family is going to sleep at consistent times and therefore able to wake up slash be energized or prepared for life?

[00:01:09] Awesome question. And this is absolutely vital for all fathers and all families in my in just in our lives, this is what we have done and it's working extremely well. So. Being able to count on habits and routines and rhythms to allow people to know when things are happening, such that it becomes normal, such that it just is one of those things people do.

[00:01:20] So you're not constantly having to harp on it. You have to be the one to set the routine. And then you have to realize it's going to take a long time. Longer than you want, not, not too, too long. I should rephrase that. It's not going to take a long time. It's going to take longer than you want for this to be the new normal.

[00:01:29] And that means that you have to be able to persevere through the hardship that's going to come when you try to enforce this new habit or rhythm or routine. And so a couple of things I like to do. Number one is start around times that are repeatable. So bedtime, bath time, meal time. These are things that happen at least once per day.

[00:01:40] With meals more than once per day. And you just pick one at a time and set a good boundary around it. So understand that you're going to need to train your kids to expect your expectations. You can't just be like, you better get out of bed. You better get out of the bath now. Otherwise all these terrible things are happening.

[00:01:51] And they're like. Where did that come from? So you've got to give them an element of training, make sure that let's say you're going to be out of the bath by seven o'clock so that you can start reading by seven 15 that is what our timeline is so that you know, guys, [00:02:00] I'm going to start enforcing this in a couple of weeks and what we're going to do is practice right now to make sure that we can get out of the bath and get reading so that we don't have to miss it because it's too late and blah, blah, blah.

[00:02:06] You know, we'd run out of time and I don't want to have to rush and be frustrated and mommy and daddy needs some time when you guys go to bed. So we can connect and it's just going to be awesome. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to start for the next two weeks. We're going to move bath time back a little bit.

[00:02:13] I'm going to help you get out. And from now on, even if it's a hard time or whatever, I'm going to, I'm going to work with you. But in a couple of weeks, I'll let you know when we're going to like really put this into practice. And once that happens, the consequences for not. Getting out of the bath on time are that we just have less time for stories.

[00:02:23] And if we can't start by, you know, seven 15, then there's just not going to be any time there. Or, you know, for example, stories are hard because this is like one of the best places to, to really connect with the kids, there's some other natural consequence or punishment that will help to motivate them.

[00:02:33] To doing the, the rhythm or the routine that you're looking for. So whatever that looks like to you, maybe it's more rushed. Maybe, you know, whatever the consequences for the child, make sure that's clear for both of you so that you no longer have to do any wondering like, Oh, they're not getting into the bath on time.

[00:02:43] I don't know what to do. I'm just getting angry now. I feel out of control. I feel powerless. And then you go into like. Punitive measures just because you're angry, not because they're good for anyone. So that would be my number one tip is like, pick a boundary and a consequence and slowly train over the course of a couple of weeks, and then have a point at which you start actually enforcing the consequence and when they push and they're like, ah, well, daddy, this is the [00:03:00] first day, like, I don't have to trust you.

[00:03:00] I don't have to believe you. I don't have to listen to you. And you're like, oh man, okay. I see. That you don't want to go to the bath right now. That's too bad. You know, we're actually not able to read as long now or whatever that is. Right. And you just matter of fact, and then when they're like, no daddy, no.

[00:03:09] Instead of being like, Oh, okay. Stop yelling. Whatever. We're just going to, okay, fine. We'll read. Just be like, Oh no, I know you're really disappointed. We don't have time now. And just like I said, you didn't get out of the bath on time. And now we don't have enough time for X, Y, Z, whatever that thing is.

[00:03:17] Right. And then you stay perfectly calm because you've communicated the boundary. They know it. And now the onus is on them. To deal with it. it They're making the choice whether or not they want the outcome. You've just told them the parameters to play within You don't have to be the bad guy. You don't have to feel bad about it.

[00:03:28] They know, and they will need to be trained over a couple of weeks. And at first, it's going to be really hard because they're going to come at you. They're going to push the boundaries, especially if this is new. If you start saying no means no, and they're used to you saying no 20 times and then screaming at them.

[00:03:37] And then finally they have to come for dinner or whatever. They're not going to believe you at first. You're going to be like, yeah, right, dad, whatever. I'm not going to listen to you. And then you're like, okay, well, I'm only saying this once. And if you don't listen and come to the table, then we're going to either eat without you, or I'll see that you're not hungry and I'll just clear your plate.

[00:03:46] There won't be any dinner. And that'll be fine. And they're like, ah, whatever, dad. And then you do that. You actually follow through on the consequence. And the kids are like, this is no fair. You did this. Why are you doing this? This is crazy. You're crazy. You're like, no, I actually communicated what I was going to do.

[00:03:55] And. Do you believe me now? Right? Like that trust has to be earned. And that means you have to be willing to sit in the discomfort of doing the hard thing [00:04:00] so that they learn the lesson. That's going to benefit them in the longterm. Is it going to suck if you don't get stories one night? Is it going to suck if they like miss a meal?

[00:04:04] Is it going to suck if they have to go and be alone in the room for like an hour? Sure, but it's going to suck way less than having people around you who do not follow a rhythm, do not respect you, do not know what obedience looks like, do not know how to set boundaries in their own lives and understand that consequences are real.

[00:04:14] All of those longterm consequences are way worse than a couple of weeks of you guys having fights or whatever. So expect that to be the case. All that being said, you've got to communicate this really well. As the leader of your family, you need to be... Encouraging everyone and motivating everyone to come along with you.

[00:04:24] You can't just be like my way or the highway. We're good to go. You better listen. Otherwise we're done. Your wife's going to be like, excuse me, kids are gonna be like, yeah, right, dad. You have to be a trustworthy man of integrity that makes them want to follow you. So lay out the fact that you want to do this with your family and then tell them how you'd like to do it.

[00:04:36] Ask them if they have any suggestions or thoughts on how to implement this and then be the one to lead. Make sure that you're explaining to your wife. So she gets it. Make sure to be the one who's taking action first, have a lot of mercy and grace because it's probably new for everyone. And just understand that you're going to make mistakes and you'll have to tweak your boundaries and your consequences as you go, but then it's way better to have boundaries and consequences.

[00:04:50] Then not okay. These are so important. This is why I like if your kids wake up in the morning You're like, oh, I can't do a morning routine like bro. My kids know that 730 they come out But if they wake up at 630, they can go back to sleep. They can read in their bedroom They can play Lego in their bedroom, whatever they want to [00:05:00] do But they can't come out until 7 30, same sort of thing with bedtimes.

[00:05:02] We go to bed at this time and we read stories for this amount of time and then stay in your bed. It's just very clear. And so my marriage is better because of that. My life is better because of that. Everybody's marriage and life is better because of that.

[00:05:10] So these are incredibly important structures and systems to put into place. And like I said, start repeatable. Have very clear training boundaries, and then start to actually execute the consequence. It's going to suck or the first short term, but stay consistent. Same thing goes for bedtimes. If your kids are getting up every five minutes screaming, they need this, they need water, they need milk, whatever.

[00:05:24] You're just going to sit in front of their door for two weeks straight. You're not going to get any sleep and that's okay because you'll survive, but you will train your child to sleep and imagine the longterm payoff. If you can suffer for like two weeks, that's why the ability to. Suffer for a reason is so important why we need to build that discipline and that strength and the fortitude as Husbands and fathers so that we can then lead our families by making the right Hard choice sometimes because a lot of us get in trouble because we're not willing to make the hard choice We just want to make sure everything's easy.

[00:05:41] We want to make sure nobody's mad at us And as a leader, sometimes you make hard choices that nobody likes, and you're going to be okay with that because they're good for everyone. All right. Hopefully that helps a little bit. The next question, how a man, how can a man learn to develop empathy and validation?

[00:05:50] Okay. So we talked about empathy and validation as two pieces, two vital pieces of our communication. Formula, and this is so important in relationship with your wife, with your kids, with any human being, actually and empathizing and validating someone can actually take so much [00:06:00] of the, the fire out of the room.

[00:06:01] If your wife's really mad at you, instead of being defensive and trying to fix it and all this kind of stuff, which is just going to elevate further, usually what someone's looking for is to be seen and heard. Okay. So how do you do that? Empathy and validation. What that might look like is your wife's really upset and you're like, babe, I hear you, you sound really angry right now.

[00:06:14] And that makes sense. Okay. So what you just did there is you empathize by saying you sound, it sounds like whatever the wording is, you're, you're naming the emotion, which. Allows her to feel seen. And then you're saying that actually makes sense. Like if I were you, if I was in your shoes, if I had your exact same life up to this point, I would also feel the way you're feeling now.

[00:06:26] Therefore, that does make sense. And if you can just hold that space and be like, Oh, here's an emotion that you're feeling. Am I getting that right? Like, is there anything else I can do to help there? And then just, yeah, that makes total sense. I can see why you feel that way. Of course you'd be feeling that way in this situation.

[00:06:35] That makes like, just, it makes so much sense. Those two things, empathy and validation will go so far in creating a more connected marriage, a more connection with your kid with your kids. And well, how do you learn that? Well, number one, you have to know the emotions in your own life. You have to be emotionally masterful so that not only can you feel and not let your emotions take over in your life, but also so that you can then speak this empathy, empathy into your wife and kids lives.

[00:06:52] So what does that look like? Well, you better start realizing that emotions are not so called bad. They're actually just pieces of data. They're like the instrument cluster of your car show you how fast you're going, show if you need like a check engine, you need to go to the [00:07:00] mechanics, show you when your gas is running low.

[00:07:01] That's what emotions do for you as a man. They're not bad. They're not wrong. They're not whatever. So many people judge emotions. It's so ridiculous. Like, Oh, I feel this way and I shouldn't feel this way. Therefore they feel bad about feeling this way. And it's like the shame and the guilt that comes from not knowing that emotions are just pieces of data is ridiculous.

[00:07:10] So understand that they're pieces of data. They're neither good nor bad. Start to understand the the feeling tone in your body behind the emotion, like slow down and get good at noticing your, your actual physical body, whether that's like scanning down your body, just mentally in the morning, doing some deep breathing to sort of feel that physical body more, whatever that looks like.

[00:07:22] Exercising is really good for this and just noticing that connection to the body. And once you can do that a little bit, you have to learn the actual emotions behind them. And this can be really helpful to just increase your emotional vocabulary. There's a tool out there called the feeling wheel. Often it's, I think it's a John Gottman or Gottman Institute resource.

[00:07:33] You can just Google Gottman feeling wheel. And that will give you like, I think it's five or six main feelings, like angry, sad, happy, really basic ones. But then from that, it branches out and gives you like six more specific emotions. And from that, there's a third layer that gives you even more specificity because when you can name an emotion, often you can tame the emotion.

[00:07:46] That is a cliche name it to tame it, but it's cliche because when you name the emotion you've got, you're like. Oh, this is the system that I'm in right now. I'm feeling this. That makes sense. Okay. I understand. You always validate yourself just by knowing what you're feeling. And this is one of the most important things we can do for our wives and for our kids.

[00:07:58] It is our job as fathers to help them learn the [00:08:00] emotional digestive tract that most of us missed growing up so that they don't have to suffer what we're suffering from. Because most of the problems we got guys, most of the problems of the guys that I work with. They just never learning this stuff. They don't know how to deal with it.

[00:08:08] When things are hard, when they are disappointed, when they're anxious, when they're upset and they blow up and they send everyone else away. And they're really upset about it because they want that connection. They just don't know how. So don't give your child the same story that you have. Give them the ability to learn this.

[00:08:17] By learning it on yourself first and then showing them. So journaling is really good on this as well. Learn the feeling wheel, start saying the emotion that's coming up. So even like I talk about over communicating a lot with your family, most men aren't communicative at all. And then they're like, I don't know why my wife's not connected to me.

[00:08:26] It says she has no idea what's going on in your life, bro. So start communicating. Just start sharing what you're feeling. Like, I think I'm feeling pretty anxious right now. And your wife's going to be like, Oh my goodness, that's amazing. You're actually have a feeling, but the more that you do this. The more that you're going to be able to understand what those feelings actually are so that you can then communicate them empathetically when someone in your family needs that.

[00:08:39] So you can't tell your son, Oh buddy, it looks like you're disappointed right now. If you don't know that the feeling that you have based on the thing around you is disappointment, like you might be able to go, Oh, you're angry right now. And that could be true, but it's not really seeing him. It's like, Oh man, but you, I know that you're disappointed right now.

[00:08:50] And I can also see you're probably embarrassed by what just happened. I totally understand that. You know, I felt that in, you know, this situation and it makes sense. I'm here for you. Okay. That's all you got to do. You're seeing them. You're validating. You're not fixing. That's a lot of the problem that we get into.

[00:08:58] We feel like we need to fix all of a sudden because we're [00:09:00] uncomfortable. Or that's just how we as men think. So don't do that. Just be there, hold the space, be like, yeah, you can bring anything to me. You can tell me whatever you need. I'm here for you. I'm not gonna feel defensive, not whatever. And then you just practice, man.

[00:09:06] Like you have to just do this over and over and over with the journaling, looking at the feeling wheel, trying to identify where it is in your body. And then like talking to your wife and kids being like, you look sad. Is that true? And getting good at identifying that in other people and yourself. So that's what I'd say.

[00:09:15] Also use it. Like extensively in your communication with everybody helps a ton. The next question is what is the process of inverting a relationship slash marriage that was previously not polar? What this person is getting at is this idea of polarity. Now, I think this is hilarious because it's such a new age buzzword, like polarity when the man is super masculine and the woman is super feminine.

[00:09:29] And like, yeah, that's great. That was the first time I had ever heard of that. So it was super helpful. But now, of course, as a Christian, I'm like, Oh, you mean like biblical gender roles? Oh, okay. Obviously. And so that's, that's kind of funny. But the idea is that the more masculine the man is and the more feminine the, the woman of the relationship is, the more that those two opposites will attract.

[00:09:42] You're at opposite ends of the poles. And therefore like a magnet, you're going to attract one another. So you are probably not looking. Men for a wife who is a hard charger get sh*t done You know type a whatever if that's who you are because like you're just the same person. There's no fun there And so even though you might be in your head like well, actually that is what I want It's usually not the thing you're most attracted to and it's not the thing that's going to have a long term [00:10:00] success in relationship Because there are two people trying to fill the same role.

[00:10:02] That's very important. There are roles in families that need to be fulfilled by different people. So a father much different than a mother. A husband, much different than a wife, parents, much different than children. Okay. That's just the way life is. If you want to be the exact same in the middle of the poles and you're both working out of the home, you're both kind of doing childcare for your own kids, and you're both kind of cooking and you're both kind of cleaning and nobody has any distinct roles.

[00:10:19] Things get very confusing and people often drift apart and get divorced because they're like, well, this is stupid. What's the point of marriage? You're just like a worse version of me because you're fulfilling the same roles, but the other person is doing it their way and you're doing it your way. And the only thing you can think of is, well, they must be an idiot, right?

[00:10:28] So if you instead are the man talking, asking this question. And you want to become more polarized, then you have to start by leading. That means that you need to move over from the middle of the pole to being much more masculine. You have to figure out what masculinity means. That means taking charge.

[00:10:39] It means having a vision. It means moving forward. It means doing all the things to take full responsibility for the family. And everything stops and ends with you or starts and ends with you in terms of like the, the responsibility, the buck stops with you, I should say. And so those are very masculine traits.

[00:10:48] You're protecting, you're providing, you're you know, taking risks. Potentially you're the first one out of bed when there's a bump in the night, right? That, that is you. You're making decisions so that your wife can relax into her more natural feminine sense. Okay. So that's your role as a man now. If your wife has no idea what you're talking [00:11:00] about here, you're going to have to bring her along.

[00:11:01] You can do that very specifically with like, Hey, here's this polarity thing. Here's what I'm trying to do here. I know that you don't feel it right now, but it would be so good if we can each relax in a more masculine and then feminine dynamics because we're going to be so much more attracted. And I know that being like a man, because here's the thing guys.

[00:11:10] Super not cultural take the culture right now. Feminism has got so many women believing that the only way to value, to be valuable is to be in the masculine polarity, to be a boss, babe, to be crushing it in the workplace. And we've devalued motherhood completely. Well, what are the pinnacles of masculinity and femininity?

[00:11:23] Fatherhood and motherhood. So if your wife has been, you know, I'll say brainwashed by the culture, as we all are to some degree or another be very compassionate. It's not necessarily her fault. She probably didn't have a lot of leadership or guidance growing up to tell her that this was not the right way to go.

[00:11:33] And just carefully bring her into the, the, the reality that she's so much more valuable than like having a job or making money. That's ridiculous. Only she. Can be the mother of your children. Only she can provide that like softness in the home. Only she can nurture and care like a mother and a wife.

[00:11:44] And you need that. That is as equally as valuable and important as your role as a husband. And that has to be very crystal clear. Now, once that is the agreement, how do you then move into those poles? Well, like I just said, you start by being the man you are. That her swirling storm of emotions can come into and be safe.

[00:11:58] So when she reaches out of the storm of [00:12:00] emotions, for example, she's not just getting a handful of sand on the, on the, the shore of your bay. She's noticing the rock, the solidness that you are, that you can take her at her worst so that she can give you her best. That means that she's going to be more emotional.

[00:12:09] She's going to be more nurturing. She's going to be more caretaking and that is going to fulfill her way more than being an alpha boss babe is ever going to do. So that takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of reprogramming your belief systems, but it is so, so good and so worthy of being pursued. But again, guys, it has to start with you.

[00:12:21] If you want to be the leader. If you want your wife to be more feminine, you better start being more masculine and taking risks and taking chances and not being so scared of upsetting her and being like a little puppy dog, which is what a lot of guys who come to me are in that position. They're like, Oh, I just want to make her happy.

[00:12:30] I just want to make sure she's not mad at me. It's like, bro, she's obviously not going to like you if you make her happy because you're not actually being a real person. You're just trying to make her happy, which is kind of pathetic rather than knowing where you're going. And. Knowing that your direction and your care is going to be so good for her.

[00:12:39] And it's not about getting her exactly what she wants all the time. That's not realistic. And if you do that, she'll actually start to resent you for it. She wants you to have a mission, but she does not want to be that mission. She wants to come alongside you and help you with that mission. So happy wife does not equal happy life.

[00:12:50] It equals terrible life. Do the right thing for the right reason. End of story. Don't do it so that. She's happy like you can you can obviously make her you you should be wanting to make her happy Let's just not confuse these things But it's not your only aim in life [00:13:00] Your only aim in life is to lead well and do the right thing for your wife and kids and sacrificially serve but You should also be making your wife happy during that not as the only end goal because then you lose yourself Then you lose your vision then you lose your mission and you become much more feminine and she's no longer attracted to you So hopefully that made sense.

[00:13:11] That's a big thing There's a lot of stuff out there on polarity. Just be careful because a lot of it is like new age woo woo garbage but the general principle remains can you expand on the transition period from angry to peaceful? Yes. This was a huge thing. This was a lot of the original issues that I was dealing with when I was an awful husband and father, it was, I was just angry all the time.

[00:13:24] And that came from like lack of control. It came from not having that emotional digestive system that I talked about before. It just, yeah, there's so many things that were hurting. That were causing me to be angry. And I think that's what a lot of people miss is the reason that you're angry is because you're really hurting, man.

[00:13:32] Like, of course, you're going to be angry if you keep having like a particular wound walked on or triggered, whatever, by your kids, your wife, and being in a family unit is the fastest way to have those things triggered because you probably got these wounds in relationship when you were a kid from your mom or your dad.

[00:13:43] And now of course, they're coming into relationship with your wife and your kids, they're triggering all this stuff in you. So that being said. What do you do? You have to make that, you have to first of all, realize that's why it's happening. Also a very normal reason for being angry is having your boundaries crossed.

[00:13:51] And if you don't have any boundaries, you let people walk all over you. You're a nice guy. You don't stand up for yourself. You're like, Oh, it's okay. I just don't want to cause a fuss. But you're like, Oh, I hate it when this person does that. But I never say that because I don't like conflict. Of course, you're going to be angry, like duh.

[00:13:59] And then you bring it out probably on the [00:14:00] people closest to you, which are your wife and kids. And you're like, why am I like the nicest guy everywhere else? But I'm an a hole to my family. This is probably why. So the transition period is first of all, a lot of the emotional stuff we talked about already.

[00:14:07] It's actually so interconnected. It's ridiculous. If you just get good at the emotional side of things. All of this becomes way easier. Okay. So realize you've got an emotion, understand what the anger is, why it might be happening, journal on it quite a lot. Like why, what am I feeling? Why am I feeling this?

[00:14:16] Why does it make me feel like that? Well, then keep going over and over and over. Ask why like five times in your journal and you'll probably get to bedrock. Okay. And then realize that there are tools in the moment. I like to break it up into two phases here. Okay. There's tools in the moment to stop you from being like the worst part of what's going on, which is to say for me, I was like the worst part of my family's life.

[00:14:27] I was angry. I would scream. I would yell. I'd be scary. I'd just be like such a terrible person. Then it would feel awful and guilty and shameful. And I'd like disappear for a couple of days in the shame spiral. It was terrible. Okay. So, Understand that the first step is to stop walking on the broken leg. And here's the analogy. Okay. Imagine you have a broken leg. And every time you take a step, it sends shooting pains up your entire body. You're probably going to be like, Ooh, ouch. Ooh, ow. Every time you take a step, you're going to keep being triggered by the pain.

[00:14:46] And you're going to keep reacting to the pain. So the best thing to do is to stop walking on the leg. Well, in. emotional terms, what's happening is you've got a wound somewhere inside you that you keep walking on because your kids keep doing something or your wife speaks to you a certain way or you're not living the life you need to live and you're feeling upset about that and you keep walking on this and you're like, Ooh, I keep getting triggered.

[00:14:59] That's the whole idea of triggering. We got to [00:15:00] be careful using that word because a whole bunch of people are triggered by everything these days. Don't do that. But if you're like genuinely hurt, And upset by something that's going on, then that's real. And so you have to stop walking on that same wound all the time.

[00:15:07] What does that mean? You, you need crutches basically. Okay. So leg is broken. Use some crutches, get off of the leg, bro. Stop hurting it. Now it's not healed yet. But at least you're not actively making it worse. So what does that mean? You have to build tools in your life to stop you from reacting so angrily, even when you are angry.

[00:15:18] Things like learning how to take deep breaths when you start to feel that heat rise in your chest, learning how to explain your emotions and the vocabulary behind that. Like we talked about in the emotional validation empathy piece of this podcast being able to journal your thoughts, having a group of men.

[00:15:28] With whom you can share these thoughts so that they can give you feedback and you can express it because there's so much power in simply saying, I'm feeling angry right now. And then explaining what's behind that. That is absolutely vital. You need to be building things like having a morning routine that sets you up for success, learning some visualizations.

[00:15:39] Like I've got a visualization where I spent like months every single morning doing this, where I would visualize my wife and kids or something in the day triggering me. And then I would give the most charitable reason why, well, they're probably hungry, or I'm not like being a good dad right now, or they're growing or whatever.

[00:15:49] And then I would watch myself in my visualization responding perfectly, like getting down to their level, being like so calm, loving, empathizing, validating, just amazing. And I would play that over and over in my mind every single morning. And so that when it happened in real life, I was like, Oh, I was expecting this.

[00:15:59] I've already gone through this [00:16:00] today. And you actually start to act the way that you want to act based on the visualization. So be very clear in communicating this as well. Like, Hey babe to your wife, for example, I just realized you might've understood this by now. And she's like, yeah, no kidding.

[00:16:08] You're like, I'm really angry and I don't know why, but I'm going to figure this out. And here's what I'm thinking. I just start journaling. I'm going to listen to the dad work podcast. I'm going to join like a men's group. I'm going to do whatever I need to do to start to make these connections and then build the tools around them.

[00:16:18] Like even if you're feeling super angry, take a breath, walk away for a minute, do like pushups till failure, and then come back. You'll have released a lot of the energy because anger usually needs to come up and out. There are things like that. That I'm going to be trying and I'd love your support.

[00:16:25] I know I'm going to screw up and it's going to suck. And I'm sorry for that, but at least I now have a plan to move forward. Tools and tactics. Yeah, there's a ton of stuff. We've got a course on anger. We talk about this a lot inside of our our programs. And there are a couple of podcasts we've done on anger.

[00:16:34] There are books on this. A lot of them, again, come back to like emotional regulation and stuff like that. Cause you're probably angry because of something that happened in the past that is continually repeating now that you're. ego defense mechanism that was created the first time around is being triggered by, even though it doesn't serve you anymore.

[00:16:43] Like this is just how this works. Okay. So you need to build an emotional digestive tract by doing all this stuff paying very close attention to it. And then, you know, hopefully you're just giving it over to God and praying about it a lot, because that's. That is at the end of the day going to be the thing that actually fixes this.

[00:16:52] So hopefully that helps. It's a long process. Wives, please give your husband some grace and mercy on this because he, you know, wasn't trained any better and that sucks. Next question, Q how can I learn to focus more [00:17:00] on me? Well, this is a double edged sword on the one hand. Don't because we should all as fathers be sacrificially serving and helping our people get what is best for them.

[00:17:05] And in that we are most fulfilled and therefore have the most purpose and therefore have the best lives. On the other hand, I have seen that if you are in that sort of nice guy syndrome, which we talked about briefly in terms of the happy wife, happy life. You do actually need to focus on yourself first for a period until you understand who you are and then you can start serving better.

[00:17:17] And so a lot of the guys that work with us, they're not actually sure about their identity, they're not confident in what they want, who they are, what they're allowed to have, so to speak, and they are quite passive. And so what we need to do then is rebuild that identity. Like, bro, who are you? What do you actually want in your life?

[00:17:26] Imagine. That like your mom, your dad, your peers, nobody else is making any determinations right now. What do you want? How are you going to get that? What does that look like? What are your values? What's your vision? What are all these things around the outside of this question? So that you can actually be a solid human being, because if you don't know who you are, you'll start to take on little bits of everyone else and you will never actually be that solid person and people won't like the feeling of that.

[00:17:42] I almost see it as though we're, there's a lot of guys walking around with like. Apparition like bodies, right? There's no solid structure to them. They don't have firm boundaries on where they stop and where the world starts. And so what happens is like the wife comes in and her emotions start to dictate how he acts.

[00:17:53] And then the kids come in, their emotions start to dictate how he acts. And he starts thinking about all these other people. But because he doesn't have a solid identity. He's not a trustworthy person to deal with any of that. And people just get [00:18:00] pushed away because of it. So if you know who you are and you're totally solid on that, and everything's awesome, you know exactly where you're going as a man and a husband and a father, stop thinking about yourself.

[00:18:05] Think more of other people. If you don't know who you are, do some work on that. Don't stop. serving, but do some work on yourself first, so that you can then die to self, because here's what I've learned. Maybe this is true, maybe it's not, but at least it makes sense for me. In order to die to yourself, which we're called to do in scripture, the, you have to know that there is a self.

[00:18:18] You can't die to other people's selves. You have to know very clearly who you are. That you are a sinner that all, you know, all of these personal responsibility things so that you can then die to self. I think that's how it works. Anyway, that's what i've experienced. Who knows? What else we got here?

[00:18:27] We have got how can I rekindle the sex? That's a great question scott and I on my podcast a number of episodes ago I think it's entitled the golden key to a better sex life or intimacy life or something like that Just go listen to that podcast. It's like, I don't know, 10, 20 something ago in the Dad.Work Podcast.

[00:18:37] So Apple, Spotify, wherever you're at, literally go to the app, click on the network podcast, scroll down to see Scott. I think it's this Scott's been on four times, I think now. So I think it's the second one we've done together. That's awesome. Basically there's a lot here. Start doing all the things we're talking about in terms of like being a trustworthy man of integrity who has emotional digestive tract, who can lead and be masculine be able to empathize and validate.

[00:18:50] And then understand guys that foreplay should be a 24 seven thing, not a five minutes before you want to have sex thing. And just like always be trying to build intimacy just because you're not having intercourse doesn't mean you can't build into intimacy and it's very important. And most people, especially in our modern culture, don't [00:19:00] understand that they're like, well, I'm ready to go.

[00:19:01] Guys have to understand most women have to feel emotionally safe and connected first before they're wanting to have physical intimacy minutes. Typically the way around we get the emotional intimacy. By having the physical intimacy. Now, guys, we are the leaders. It's easier for us to flip the switch than it is for our wives.

[00:19:11] And therefore we must be the ones to lead. You need to be able to make her feel safe, seen, soothed, secure in her attachment to you emotionally, so that she is so ready to be intimate with you physically. Because of the emotional connection. Okay. So that all of that stuff becoming an amazing man, husband and father, emotionally regulated, all that kind of stuff.

[00:19:23] And then just being an awesome lover by being interested and holding space and like flirting without any expectations of reciprocation and you know, all of that kind of stuff that goes into it just. Steep your life in that. And so when the physical intimacy actually comes, it's just like, man, we're so ready for this.

[00:19:34] We've been like waiting for this all every moment we're looking for this, but like sometimes it works sometimes you don't have time so that when it actually comes, it's just so amazing and connective. But yeah, go listen to that podcast. That's probably a lot better.

[00:19:41] All right, what else we want to talk about here? Let's we'll dive into something. I don't know if I'm going to keep this in or not, but we'll just start talking. So last month or so have been harrowing experiences for me. Because I feel as though God has really been testing my identity and my identities very much wrapped up in what other people think about me and not so much for like a tension or an approval seeking, but actually like a disapproval avoiding.

[00:19:55] way. And it often goes into what I can do, how hardcore I am what other people think about me. And [00:20:00] it just came to a head probably last month where I was, I'd hired a coach and I've done this a number of times before. Cause I'm like, look, this work is so good. The guys in our brotherhood are getting such good, amazing results.

[00:20:06] This is a business as well. So like I got to provide for my family. So I hired a coach cause I was like, Oh, this guy's got a sweet system. I'm going to start doing this system so that I can reach more men so that we can get more guys inside the program, change more lives and have more successful business.

[00:20:14] Awesome. Sounds good. But the thing is because of my identity piece, which is to say, like, I want to do things, ways that other people. Think I should rather than what I actually want. I end up betraying my own values and what I want to do. And therefore eventually it is difficult for me to continue on doing that.

[00:20:26] So here I am trying to implement somebody else's system on my business for like the third time. You'd think I would have learned. And I think that's why it was so painful this time is because God wanted to make sure that I did learn. And it, things are just feeling terrible. Like I don't like. The content style of this, I don't feel authentic.

[00:20:36] I don't love the fact that like, we're trying to DM people and get them on a sales call. It's like, whatever. I know that's all normal business. And I know that like we change lives a hundred percent. I am so certain of our products. But it just wasn't me. And I was like, Oh, well, too bad, bro. Like suck it up.

[00:20:46] And the problem is I am really good at sucking it up. Like my specialty is doing more when nobody else can. And that's like something that I pride myself in is how excellent I can be all the time and everything and give more and more and more and more and more and never feel the pain of it. It's a superpower, but it's also a major detractor in my life.

[00:20:57] And so, yeah, I, instead of being like, oh, this is probably against your [00:21:00] values. I was like, no bro. It's just because like you suck. So I was like, okay, double down. And everything was just feeling terrible. I came to this, like almost a standstill. I was like, I don't even want to create content. That's my whole business.

[00:21:06] If I don't create content, what am I going to do? Is everything terrible? And I just went through this like really dark. Period. And I realized that like my identity was really wrapped up in this, even though I've been doing this work for like, I don't know, seven, eight years at this point now, and I've gone through all the stuff I've talked about here.

[00:21:15] I've gone through the identity work. I've like, I got so much more clear on who I am, but there are certain pieces that you'll find if you go through this work of this self improvement work, this development work, whatever you want to call it the same themes will come up, but deeper and deeper each time.

[00:21:23] I think that that is important because if you tried to unpack all of it at once, you'd probably get overwhelmed. And so, yeah, I was able to unpack a similar thing in my identity that I have dealt with repeatedly, but that showed up in a new way that I had never experienced before. And I think that's very normal.

[00:21:34] So here I am not wanting to create, not sure about my identity more. I was lost in this, like somebody else's system, trying to make this work, trying to get like Instagram to like me, trying to get the finances to work. And none of it was about what I intentionally or what I originally. Wanted to do here, which is like, just share what worked for me and hope to be a light to people.

[00:21:46] And anybody who resonates can come along for the ride. I was like, man, where did I get, where did I go wrong? And so I'd almost like poisoned the well of content creation. I just felt terrible. And like, I look back and it was crap content for a couple of months. And it was just, it sucked. I mean, the podcast always stayed awesome.

[00:21:55] I think, because that's just where probably the best work is done. And that's a huge learning lesson for me as well. I got to double down on this because this is where I perform best [00:22:00] and can be the most useful for you guys. And I took a little bit of a break and this coincided right before I went to a mastermind event in Colorado which we'll talk about a little bit here, but I I sort of came to this point where I'm like, well, if I'm not the success in my business, if I'm not the guy who can just like flip a marketing switch and have immediate success, and if, if I'm not.

[00:22:13] My immediate business success. Cause I was like having a problem with that. Like, Oh, this should work. If I'm not this, I'm, if I'm a perfect, I'm a loser. Like I'm nothing then. Well, who am I without, you know, business skills? I just started writing like, okay, God, who do you say? Cause I've heard this before, right?

[00:22:21] Like my identity is in Christ. Like, that's great. I, I get that on the, on the face of it. What does that actually mean? Like, have you ever actually thought like, who am I, who does God say I am? And so I started going through the Bible. And I just start writing down like any, I am sorts of statements. Like I am a beloved son.

[00:22:31] I am an adopted son of God. I am a citizen of heaven. I am an ambassador of Christ. Like I am, I am, I am, I am loved. Like I, I, for God so loved the world. Like, Hey, what? Guess what? I'm like part of that. That like massive exchange that, that insane exchange of perfection for, you know, my wickedness given freely.

[00:22:44] That's who I am, I'm worth that. And that was mind blowing in itself, but it was just like, I was, I was basically just like broken. I didn't want to do anything. I couldn't like, I didn't feel valuable at all. And I was just like, who am I then? So I'm trying to go, okay, God, can you really make this real in my life?

[00:22:55] Can you make me believe that this is truly my identity? Cause it doesn't really feel like it right now. So interestingly, the mastermind I had signed [00:23:00] up for a couple of months ago. After my podcast interview with Jeremy Pryor a couple of months ago, I was like, Hey I have this like idea. I want to start a Christian businessmen's mastermind for men who are also fathers, like perfect trifecta, a Venn diagram.

[00:23:08] Yeah. So I, you know, I just got a lot of my plate. I don't know. And he's like, well, we have that. It's like, Oh, why don't I just join yours? So I did. It's called integrated. It's by family teams and it's fantastic. So we spent a couple of days in Colorado up in the mountains there. And man, this was just perfect because first of all, when you're around other guys like that who are intentional and the room is just, you know, self chosen because the guys who want to be there are the kind of guys that.

[00:23:23] Are like me because I'm there. It's beautiful. The one on one relationships that are formed, the talks that are had are completely mind blowing and life changing. And then you get a ton of amazing you know, workshops. You get breakouts you get like lessons, you get presentations. It was so, so good.

[00:23:34] So if you guys are that trifecta of father, Christian businessman go join integrated by family teams and we can meet up at the next in person event. That'd be sweet. But yeah, in this, in this event, so much happened. I'm sure I'll break it down at some point. But the thing that's really relevant to this is that I walk into the room and you know, you, of course you want to put your best foot forward.

[00:23:47] You don't want to feel awkward cause you don't know anybody. You're going through these thoughts about like, ah, who am I? Should I be here? And the thing that, you know, makes me day to day feel exceptional. And here's just like a super vulnerable ego piece is like, I do know a lot about fatherhood, family leadership and marriage and relationships and emotions because I've had to, because it saved my [00:24:00] life.

[00:24:00] So like, that's the thing that I feel like I'm really good at. And there's not like a ton else, like I'm, I'm good at this. I'm good at my family. I'm good at most things, but I don't have like some exceptional business. It's making like a billion dollars. I don't have like some crazy, you know, 3d printed.

[00:24:09] I invented this thing and like, wow, that's an incredible story. The thing that made me feel exceptional, like it was like a defense mechanism. When I walked into that room of like 80 guys, I was like, Oh, I'm a nobody because everybody else here is like a pretty good dad and husband. Like crap, what do I have to lean on now?

[00:24:19] And it was almost like God was like. Are you ready to accept your true identity? That's like, Oh, I don't know. Like, what does that actually mean? And so like I was, I felt naked, I was faced with like, well, yeah, I guess I have to, and it didn't come right away and it was still not like super solid. But it wasn't just you know, the I am statements.

[00:24:30] It was much more personal than that, because I think the personal relationship with Christ is like the end all be all of all of this. You know, reading through John this morning, Jesus is just talking about like knowing the son, like that, that's what it is. You have to believe in the son. Anyway, that that was very challenging, but it was even more specific than that.

[00:24:41] It was like, I am. The talents and the gifts and the personality that God gave to me I am the experiences that I have had and all of those things are in Christ. Yes You know, the old man has died and the new one is coming or has come but like is that enough? Could I just be with that? Could I just be okay with being the beloved son that was given talents?

[00:24:58] And blessings and experiences and [00:25:00] have that be enough for me. Like nobody else has had my exact experiences and that's going to be enough. Nobody else has my exact set of like gifts. And then I was like, Oh, I feel bad for having them. Cause like, I don't know if I should do that. Should I just feel bad?

[00:25:07] Should I try and like humble myself? But it's like, no, man. One thing that I realized in this as well. Is that like, I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. And I've always been feeling lately like, you know, God sort of looked out and he sort of saw me. He's like, yeah, Kurt, okay, you can come here. You can, you can join my team.

[00:25:16] That's great. Yeah, I say I love you, but like, just watch your back. I was like, okay, God, like, I'm so, I'm sorry for being here. I know I don't deserve it. Like, sorry. Then I was like, wait a second. Am I fearfully and wonderfully made? Like he's given me all these things on purpose. And the things that he's given me are so that I can do his will in the way that he wants me to.

[00:25:25] And it's not bad that I'm gifted this way. It's actually good because I need these particular giftings and weaknesses to do the work he has laid out for me. There are good works predestined for me to do basically. And I got to do them and I'm only going to be able to do them if I've got the things that he's given me.

[00:25:33] And so like, oh my goodness, all of this identity stuff starting to land a lot more specifically I should say, I'll say so yeah, like I can feel the love. Of the father, I can feel what it feels like to be a beloved son. I can also feel that like, I don't need anything else other than to do his will.

[00:25:43] And to continue to love him. I can tell that he is pleased with me and that's all that really matters. I don't need to perform at work. I don't need to like crush it all the time and do more, more, more, more, more, and wake up earlier and earlier and do like more burpees. I am already accepted. And as long as I am obedient and walking with him, then like.

[00:25:55] I'm good. But it took this like really painful experience of going like, this is wrong. The business is wrong. I can't help anybody. What am I [00:26:00] doing? And then walking into that room of guys going like, I am not exceptional. I have nothing to offer. I'm nobody except for like, yeah, I do because I've got specific skills.

[00:26:05] I've got specific talents. I've got lots of, experience doing certain things. And that's valuable to some guys. And that's not the point though. Like, it doesn't matter that it's valuable to other people because like, I've got to accept that I am valuable to God. So that's where I am at. And then I got home so much journaling, so much thinking, so much clarity.

[00:26:15] I was like, not quite ready to create content yet because I still had like this bad feeling about how inauthentic I had been and not like I was lying or anything, just like, this is not how I want to present. This is not like even how I want to help people. It's just what I was doing for like the ads or whatever.

[00:26:25] And so like, I was just feeling bad. Like I had poisoned the waters or sullied the waters. And I was trying to just like journal, take some time, trying to rest. We talked a lot about like Sabbath and, and, and planning rest days at this mastermind, which I'm going to be integrating into my life very soon.

[00:26:34] Which is mind blowing. I'm like, why didn't anybody tell me I could plan rest? That's my favorite thing to do is plan. So why don't I just plan my rest? Because I can't rest. Therefore just put the two and two together. I'll be forced to rest. So anyway I was coming back here trying to rest and things were okay It was kind of feeling like I wish I could work again.

[00:26:43] I don't really feel like it though I don't know what to do I'm doing sort of like just managing the guy managing the the community that we've got and doing my best in there and you know the last weekend came up and I'm, like, hey, I should be ready to go soon And out of nowhere, this like depressive state hit me.

[00:26:53] And I used to feel like that all the time, but it's been years, it's been like five years since I felt this bad. And even though like, I know all the tools and tactics and all the rest of it, [00:27:00] I know the truth. I was just like, well I guess I will just suffer. And you know, God, why don't you strike me down right now because I'm so awful.

[00:27:04] And it was bizarre. I was like, oh my goodness, this feels terrifying because I'm like out of control here. And that was super interesting because when I got out of it. There's a lot of stuff that I had to learn. There's a lot of like lamenting I had to do. There's a lot of like crying out for help from God.

[00:27:11] I was like, why are you doing this to me? Why are you letting this happen? This is awful. Like save me, stop doing this. And what I learned coming out of that cause on Sunday, so this was like a Saturday, Sunday on Sunday at church my pastor said something along the lines of there's nothing you can do to better yourself.

[00:27:21] Just bring it all to Jesus and let him do the work. And that was like, dude, that is the most freeing thing you could possibly hear. But the most crazy thing for someone to hear who has been obsessed with his own work ethic and his own ability to get shit done, you tell me that, that I don't have to do anything and that I have to trust him.

[00:27:31] Like, bro, first of all, that's so hard to trust someone when you've only been able to trust yourself your entire life. And second of all to let go of the trust of yourself. And trust that somebody is going to like be there for you. Cause that's never been the case for me, but it was like, bro, I've been trying to do this all in my own power and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

[00:27:42] But like, that wasn't my mindset. I was like, I can do all this. And like, I don't know why nobody else can, but like, I could just like suffer more and do more and like succeed at everything. And it's just all on me. It's like, oh, I can do nothing outside of him. And so I really think now that. God was letting me go through this like really terrible time to show me that like, even though I can control like so much around me, because I have these talents, I can't [00:28:00] control when like he allows a depressive state to come over me, I can't control other things happening in the world.

[00:28:04] And it was like this final straw. And this won't be the final straw. There'll be so much more of this work to do because I am a, you know. Wicked human at the core or my old self is a wicked human and it will keep trying to come up So I won't say it's the last word on this last straw But I just came to this understanding that man I can do nothing between the pastor said everything I've been feeling my identity like I can literally do nothing without Christ It says somewhere.

[00:28:20] I was reading this the other day and I'm gonna forget this now, maybe second Corinthians were Oh, maybe it's John he's talking about. Oh, I think it might've been John where he's talking about. Cause he talks a lot about light and dark. You know, when you're pursuing the truth, you'll find light. And when you're in light, it'll reveal that all the good things you've done have been like.

[00:28:31] By God or through God or something like that. And it's like, Oh, that's so interesting. Like all these things that I think are, are mine are actually gifts from God are actually things that he has given me such that I could then do the good works he had prepared for me. And therefore like, there's literally nothing I can do without him.

[00:28:40] So he's got to be the CEO of my business. He's got to be like the CEO of my life. I got to keep moving forward because he's given me certain things and certain desires and certain dreams. Those are also from him. I've got to be good at silencing the enemy's voice to make sure I'm not being tricked.

[00:28:48] I've got to be in the word all the time to make sure I know what the, the voice of God sounds like. But the moral of the story is like, man, he, I think he meant to break me so that I could take him on as my identity. Rather than me, because I will always let myself down. That's very hard for me to say, because I have been the only one who's never let myself down, except for the points where I let [00:29:00] myself down all the time.

[00:29:00] But I let myself down in ways that nobody else did. And I also was able to hold myself up in ways that nobody else could. And so I just had to realize that I'm always going to fall short. And if I truly want what I say I want, then like, if there's a perfect holy father out there whose ways are better than mine, why am I trying to do it my way?

[00:29:14] He's like, Hey, if you just do it my way, and that always confused me too. Cause I was like what do you mean? Give up all of me for you. Like that seems super spiritual. I don't know if I just want to do your stuff. I don't know if I like just want to worship you. That kind of like, I don't know, man, I want to do my own stuff.

[00:29:24] That seems like mean that you would want me to die to self. To have you and it's like this last weekend or whatever, it's really clicked that actually that is like, he wants the best for me. That's not like a punishment. He's like, bro, you're a human and you've got all these things that like kind of suck.

[00:29:34] And you've experienced that they kind of suck when you rely on them. Why don't you put me on instead? My stuff doesn't suck. And it's in fact, my perfect will for you. Like, Oh, mind blowing. So why don't I take on that identity and ask. Lord, are you pleased with me? Am I a good and faithful servant right now?

[00:29:46] And if I'm obedient, if I'm walking with him, the answer is going to be yes. And like, I was worth dying for. I was worth that substitutionary sacrifice. And that's where I'm trying now to place my attention in my own identity. So I wanted to update you guys on that. It's going to mean some changes with dad work.

[00:29:55] I don't know exactly what that's going to look like, but I am going to start doing. Only what I want to do and talking only about what I want [00:30:00] to talk about. And if that's not the perfect business path, I'm not going to care anymore. And if you don't like it, person listening, I don't care because do I want to help every guy?

[00:30:06] Of course. And that's been part of my problem is there's a bit of a savior complex because I want to be all things to all people. But in doing that, I stopped being something for some people. And I just don't get the impact and I don't get the reach. And then I start feeling bad because I'm like overextending myself.

[00:30:14] I'm getting very clear now on what we do here. The dad work vision is going to be much more positive vision. Almost like a team. I want us to be a movement. I want us to be almost like something we can add to our identity is like, yeah, I'm, I, I believe in the dad work ethos. Like I am working to become a good role model.

[00:30:28] So that I can be the tip of the spear to make the path behind me better for my children Like that's where we're going here. I think we need to be great role models because it's almost like a generation or two There's almost none. Maybe I just don't know them. There are a lot of good men in that generation I cannot say that I've got to be very careful what I say here But the men that I work with most men today have no history of a good father figure or male role model and so it's no wonder that it's hard for us because we never learned like I said before the Emotional digestive system, the how to be a good husband, the how to sacrifice, the how to build your identity, the how to be a family leader and be relationally adapt and emotionally adapt and all these things.

[00:30:57] We never learned them, but these are things that should have been passed down. And so [00:31:00] what do we do? We can continue in our own ways that we never learned and take no responsibility and pass them on to our kids. And then guess what? We have just burdened our children with our pain and we're already carrying our father's pain and his father's pain if they never dealt with it.

[00:31:09] So we as fathers will be doing the work to learn how to be a great man, husband, father, and family leader so that we can defend them because there's some evil, crazy stuff going on in the world right now. And I know eternally we win, but I also don't want to just like lie down and be like, Oh, it's okay.

[00:31:20] Kids and wife, the culture's coming after you. But like we win in the end. I think like I'm called to also defend. My family and to lead them and to raise them up in the way they're supposed to go and to you know, admonish in the way of the Lord, what is that verse? I can't remember what it is, but it's like, I am supposed to be doing these things to defend them.

[00:31:31] And I look around, there's not a lot of guys doing that. I've been given a very particular path in life that has allowed me to both learn all of this stuff as a first generation, like good dad, so to speak. And now a first generation Christian. And I want to create more good role models for my kids, for your kids.

[00:31:43] I want to turn dads, particularly believers into amazing, strong family leaders, and that requires that we know all this stuff we've talked about in this episode, we're going to need to know. The emotional side, the leadership side, the masculine side, the skills. We're going to need brotherhood. We're going to need accountability.

[00:31:55] We're going to need good habits. We're going to have to do that together, but we're going to be shoulder to shoulder as this [00:32:00] tip of the spear against the evilness that we see in society, which guys. If you don't think it's coming for the kids, like you're sorely mistaken. I think, I think the slippery slope through all these, you know, depends on how, how deep you want to go here.

[00:32:08] But let's just say all these acceptance ideas, all these like, Oh, you can be whatever you want, and if you don't like that, well, then you're just like a racist, bigot, whatever. These are all a slippery slope down to accepting children. I'm going to say in the worst possible way. Like, you see the sexualization and you see this like allowing children to make reproductive choices when they're children.

[00:32:22] Where do you think that's going? Okay, so, I don't know. I don't know if there's like a them out there, a they out there. This is not. Like conspiracy, this is very genuinely exactly what's going on here. And if you don't believe that unsubscribe, I don't care. But if you do, and you're worried about it and you don't know what to do, the best thing you can do is be the one discipling your child at home.

[00:32:34] You should be the one who influences your child most. And if you don't know how to do that, That's what we're gonna be doing together. If you don't know how to have these talks, if you don't know how to maintain influence, if you don't know how to raise a child such that they never worry about who they are as an identity, I don't know if I'm a boy or girl, they're like, no, my dad loves me so much.

[00:32:45] I'm so clear about who I am. Like that's what we gotta be doing and we need to make sure that we are the ones in the front so that we encourage the other dads who might not have had this like courage and confidence to be like, oh, I didn't know I could do that. Let's go. And then we raise up kids. And imagine the like logarithmic effect, the, the exponential growth that we will have when let's say I got four kids.

[00:32:58] What if my kids are influenced by [00:33:00] me to such an extent that they become family leaders and then they. Become family leaders and then they become suddenly we're like multi generational. And so anyway, I just want to like encourage you. I want to lift you up. I'm going to call out garbage. When I see it, I'm going to inspire you hopefully to challenge your thinking and raise your standards along the way.

[00:33:11] I'd encourage you to. Be zealous for God's honor and for his glory and for your relationship with him. That is something that I think a lot of people in the church these days is missing. And look, I don't know anything about the church. I came in fired up. And one of the things God's given me is a zeal for him.

[00:33:20] And I pray that he never takes that away from me. But I think I can use that as well to be like, guys, we mean you're not reading your Bible, you kidding me? Like, are you, are you for real? Like daily, bro. My granddad says like, how many meals have you missed in the last week? You're like, none on purpose.

[00:33:28] Like, well, why are you missing your Bible reading? That's spiritual food, bro. That's food for your soul. Can't miss that. So anyway, team dad work. Let's be the tip of the spear. Hard to kill, easy to love, equipped to lead. Come alongside, I want to teach you everything that I had to suffer through. That almost cost me my entire life.

[00:33:39] That cost me years and thousands of hours and many thousands of dollars. I want to teach you that I want you to come alongside me and teach me stuff because you're applying this in your own way and being a strong family leader. Let us just build a network and a web of strong family leaders that grows over the generations and let us build something that's so big that we can't accomplish it in our lifetimes.

[00:33:51] I want this to grow. I want this to be big. I want you to come along for it. And We'll explain it more about what that looks like later. We're going to have merch store coming out soon. I have so many people asking about that because like the logo. It's pretty sick. If you're a [00:34:00] designer, you can also, you know, reach out, make some more stuff.

[00:34:01] I would love to get some more data work designs. We're going to have a, probably a new community, a bunch of new courses coming out, and it's going to be much simpler to interact with our stuff as well. So YouTube, podcast, Instagram, email list. Those are the four ways, the only four ways that I expect that we'll ever be doing stuff other than inside of our private communities.

[00:34:13] So anyway. That might've been a ramble. It might not have been. Maybe there's some gold in there, maybe not. I would like to do more of these. If you've got more questions, drop me a line on Instagram. Dad, work Curt, or email me@curtatdad.work, c u r t. Dad do work. And I would love to do more q and a and I think we covered all of the q and a stuff right now.

[00:34:25] So there you go. Send me some more so that we can do more of these episodes and lemme know what you think. Anyway, appreciate you guys being here. Be the leader that your family needs and we'll catch you next week. Peace.

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