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Today’s guest is Sam Velazquez. 

We go deep today talking about:

  • How to find your identity without external validation
  • Why the concept of finding the infallible truth matters
  • The true measurement of joy that comes from serving and giving
  • The practical steps to building and establishing the cornerstone in your life
  • The power of desire in influencing a man’s decision to change for the better
  • The importance of knowing what you believe about the world and God’s Word
  • Winning from the inside out, first inside the four walls of our home, and then on the outside

Sam Velazquez is a devoted husband and father, prioritizing his faith above all else as the cornerstone of his life.

He shares a blissful 15-year marriage with his wife Brooke and together, they lovingly nurture and homeschool their four incredible children, aged five to thirteen, in Washington state.

For the past 12 years, Sam and Brooke have successfully operated a small fitness business. Prior to this venture, Sam owned a contracting business for four years after completing his military service, where he completed two combat tours as a Marine Corps Sergeant, receiving the Purple Heart and two combat action ribbons.

Sam now runs a coaching business known as Identity F.I.T. Coaching where he specializes in assisting individuals, couples, and families in attaining success both personally and professionally.

His educational background includes leadership development from the Marine Corps Institute, an Associate degree in criminal justice, and a Bachelor’s degree in biblical and theological studies.

Find Sam online at:
Instagram: @coach_samvelazquez
Website: Identity Fit Coaching
Linktree: linktr.ee/identityfitcoaching

Speaker 1 0:00

You are the foundation of your family, you are the firm footing. They build their lives on. You carry a glorious burden and you never dream of laying it down. You carry it with joy and gratitude. You show up, even when you don't feel like it. You lead, serve, love and protect. You are a father. This is the dead word podcast where men are forged into elite husbands and fathers by learning what it takes to become harder to kill, easier to love and be equipped to lead. Get ready to start building the only legacy that truly matters, your family.

Curt Storring 1:20

Alright, dads welcome to another episode of the Dad.Work podcast, we have got a new friend her, Sam Velazquez. And we talked like the other day because of Scott putting us together. And man, I'm just so glad he did. Because that conversation we had was like, man, there's so much to dive into here. Let's do it on the podcast. And so here we are. So I'd love first of all, welcome. Thanks for being here. Man. I would love to just get like the 10 second intro, because I've just read one in the intro already. But let's give you like a little bit of time to just dive into who you are and what you're doing. And then we'll get into sort of the questions because I got a lot.

Sam Velazquez 1:51

Yeah, 10 seconds. All right, we're talking Olympic 100 100 meter speed here. So

Curt Storring 1:55

that's five minutes doesn't matter.

Sam Velazquez 1:56

You know, it's funny, no, 10 seconds is plenty. I think that for the person who's listening watching is you know, at the end of the day, this is what I say actually practice saying this not just because these questions come up. But the The truth is, I'm a full time husband, and I'm a full time father. And then all the other things and endeavors business entrepreneurialship comes after that. And I mean, in that that's kind of a nutshell. But if I were to introduce myself, I would want people to know, I'm a husband and a father first. You know, I spend time in the Marine Corps, I got a lot of things I can attach to that whole question. But that's it. You know, I'm a full time husband and father. And before all that my faith does come before that. So that's that's what I would tell people,

Curt Storring 2:37

man, how long have you been married?

Sam Velazquez 2:39

So we've been married my wife and I, my wife's name is Brooke. We've been married for 15 years. And we have four children between the ages of five and 13. So we are blessed with two boys and two girls. And you know, probably like everybody marriage has been a journey, but I love it. And it's it has only been getting better for us every year. So yeah,

Curt Storring 2:58

that's been the surprising thing for me. I was just like, you know, what, from what I saw, marriage was just a certain way. And it was like, yeah, it's okay, you know, you got someone to my I literally, my dad told me, It's better to have someone at home to cook clean than not. And I was like, Okay, that's a very low standard. And so that's what sort of I looked into it going into marriage. And we were very sure that we weren't going to get divorced, it was very important to us. But I had no idea was so good. Like, and to hear you say that. I'm like, Guys, your marriage can be amazing if you put the work in. But the question that I've got with that introduction is dude, like, I make sure to put that first in my bio, too. And that's very different from what most people act like. And so I'm curious the story to get there. Because presumably, you weren't just like, Man, I'm the best dad and the best husband, I'm just gonna, like put that first in my life. For me, it took a lot of work to get to the point where like, that was true. If you look at my schedule, if you look at my like bank account, if you look at where I spend my time, it's obvious that that is true. It's the same sort of thing, Faith husband, father, what was the journey to get there? And how is that proved out in your life today?

Sam Velazquez 4:03

Yeah, that's, you know, occurred? That's such a great question. And as you're, as you're asking that, I'm just thinking this to be honest, because a lot of times when we're hearing, I've listened to a ton of people on podcasts, I've listened to a ton of people live, I've listened to so many men and women, high achievers, people who maybe who have done what we presumed to be more than the next and, and we can get caught in this thought. And so I'm kind of prefacing this because I think it could add value to someone who's listening because I want to answer this with a certain level of, well, not a certain level as much as I can, you know, humbly because it's, it's like what have I done to get somewhere and the truth is, we're in a constant, I kind of believe this ideology is we're in a constant state of moving forward if we choose to, and I'm not wanting to focus on arriving somewhere, but I do want to get better. I do want to make sure I'm plotting points. I'm giving myself credit for having achieved certain things but the kind of like What it's like the destination kind of mentality can sometimes make us feel like when we're there, we're done. And so kind of answer your question in totality is I'm still on the journey, you know, the journey is still continuing. And one of the best ways and I think we shared this we talked about a little bit, maybe not, but I share it with a lot of people as if I were to think of my journey. And all of the things that I've done to get to where I'm at, which is just a little bit further down the road. It's not as far down as we think. And I'm okay with that. Because it's not where I was. And that's all that matters, but it's like accumulating our whole life based on all the sands of the earth. I mean, we're talking that's unfathomable. I mean, how do we even a bunch of nerdy scientist actually, I think, did this, they took a one cubic yard of sand and somehow counted the granules. And it was like, million two, right. But if I were to pick up a handful, shake my hand off, whatever sticks to it's kind of like, represents what I know. And the journey I'm on and how far I've gotten in perspective, to the entire amount of sand that exists within this, you know, universe, and so not a lot, but still, and, and maybe, sadly, more than most is what I found is because we tend to not want to do the hard things we don't want to work. And so for me, really, that journey has its common stages and phases. It wasn't like one day I was here, and then one day, and now I'm here, it happened where, you know, I believe in the Divine, you know, my faith is the foundation of who I am. And I think a lot of this gets, you know, exorbitant in a very common buzzword right now. And we've made it that so I'm not saying it truly is a buzzword, but identity is a huge topic, right? So many of us are trying to discover who am I? Where's my value? Where does that lie? And it's why I put that at the front not so it can sound good. The truth is, because I'm on the journey, still, I need to remind myself that would I accomplish, what I can do as an entrepreneur, what I can do, as you know, my individual self is great. But ultimately, I'm a husband. And that will never change until we're dead. Right? And I'm a father, even though my kids will grow up and leave the nest per se, I'm still their father, and I want to model the things that, you know, I would hope we want to model as fathers. And so even there, that's not my identity. Those are just things that I'm doing along the journey. And so for me, right, and I'll kind of just put this in there. But that's where finding the fit part. Right? You didn't ask this question. We talked about a thing before we hit record, but it's it's fit, right? It's an acronym for finding infallible truth is the thing that we find to be, you know, people say our truth. And I think that's totally fine. There's grace for that. But for me, as a believer, someone who's a Christian, who puts my faith in God, and particularly the Bible, that's where I draw the line for finding infallible truth. So that's for me, that may not be for you. And that's okay. But so I find that they're all of my intrinsic value, which is something we can't measure. No human can measure this. It comes from God. And so that's why faith is at the front in the journey I'm on has kind of culminated to this more a belief level of saying, wait a minute, it's not so much what I accomplish here on Earth, although don't get me wrong. There are specific assignments, there's things that I believe God's given us all to do. And they're important, they're vitally important, but they shouldn't come at the expense of jeopardizing the things that matter most. And God would never do that. He's not going to ask us to do something that's going to jeopardize our family, our own faith and our children in the process, or our friendships and relationships and the people that were closest to. So the finding infallible truth part is, I matter. Regardless of what I accomplish, I matter regardless of who it is, I influence, although the journey shift came, again, different, different stages and phases in life. But ultimately, when I decided, when I decided I'm actually going to put action towards the belief I'm having in my own mindset, and that is, I'm here to serve on here to actually serve people. And I do this in an order sequence, because I think that there's a divine order to things. So I'm here to serve my wife and my family, right to encompass my children. And then I'm here to serve my community and the people on the outside. That could be through business. It could be through church, it could be through, you know, nonprofits, organizations, and all those different things. So it's like, gosh, Kurt, what was the original question? No. But in totality, so it's like the journey is always continuous, right? I'm always wanting to look for ways to get better. And that sounds cliche, but I genuinely mean it. So I'm not just doing it. So here's here's a good example. If I was saying in the past, right, here's, here's a transparent journey point. Ain't maybe there were times where I was trying to get better, genuinely, but for myself, and that's not a bad thing. But the shift in the journey came when it's like, Wait, I don't want to get better just for myself just so I can look better, sound better, feel better for me, I want to get better because it actually wants to be able to have a greater, not just influence but ability to serve people well. And that's the journey shift that has to happen it into say it has to is actually a choice. So it doesn't have to happen naturally. But I desired for it to happen, because I actually had to put action to what it is I say, I believe now, if you don't believe in the Bible, that's, that's totally fine. But because I do believe in the Bible, the two greatest commandments I'm to particularly follow if I'm actually saying I believe these things, is to love God, and to love people, says to love your neighbor as yourself. And actually, there's times I love myself. And there's times where I love myself too much, meaning I put myself first, we're self absorbed, we're, you know, our human nature is to be selfish, we tend to do things because we want something. And there's nothing wrong in wanting something. But if it's always at the expense of other people, or never seen my ability to realize I've been given something, so I can ultimately serve those around me. And then I think we're missing one of the greatest gifts that God's ever given us.

Curt Storring 11:24

Yeah, man, this is literally what I have been doing the last year is realizing that I can do more for others. And that's been hard for me because my heart was extremely prideful and selfish, as most of ours are, I'm sure, but I noticed that mine felt particularly bad. That was a very big area of work for me. Now, as a father, that's pretty bad. Because I've got these people relying on me, and I'm putting myself first. And that's changed dramatically over the last year in my own faith journey. It's changed dramatically over the last couple years as I've been doing some more work with dads like this. But what I noticed, and I would like to know if this is true for you, too. It sounds like people on the outside are like, well, if I don't get mine, like what's the point, man? Like, I'm just gonna be miserable at times, like actually, I've never been more satisfied, then when I go all out serving others. Is that true in your life as well?

Sam Velazquez 12:20

You know, it's such a great question, Kurt. And it's I'm trying to, I'm trying to take that question in and play devil's advocate at the same time, because and I'm saying that because I think I know how I would answer this question right now. But how would I answer that question, you know, five and 10 years ago. And it's tricky, because sometimes the human condition so it's interesting, right? We're talking about our personal selves, getting to a point where we recognize that it's important to serve others. And in the process, then we feel served, we feel fulfilled. But on the other hand, does that mean that we can't ever go after something that is fulfilling all on our own? I don't know. I don't know that we can't. And so how I measure that is something that I can't actually pinpoint. From a perspective of all of us conglomerate really, again, because this is why the concept of finding infallible truth matters. We easily come up with our own ideas and solutions. But and I'm there's nothing wrong with that, necessarily. But the two points are motive, motive, and then truth. So the motive is something that lies within the person, what is the condition of my heart? In the thing that I'm going for? Is it to be self serving? Or is it ultimately for a mutual benefit, but to also serve others? And so the reason I'm putting it that way is because the finding infallible truth part is that the Bible tells me that in all the things that I do, God looks at the heart. And so he knows whether or not my motives are pure or not. And so there's that fine line between sometimes not recognizing that our own motives aren't pure sometimes, and we mean well, and can't even recognize our own selfishness in the process. And so, to be clear, and answering your question, yeah, I think 100% that in the journey, while you start to serve other people, you feel so good. And here's a here's a more practical, maybe think for us as dads and you know, husbands and fathers, you know, so it's like, how much joy do you get Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not necessarily big gifts person. I don't necessarily care to receive gifts. It but if I get one, that's great. But I personally love to give gifts. I'd love to be able to get something for someone else. And so as we grow into adults, that changes maybe a little bit and maybe you're wanting to receive maybe you're wanting to give, and that's just a particular gifting. You have out, but as a child, right, think about children. Do children love to receive? Yes, mostly? Do they love to give? Yes, to a certain degree, but I think they have a harder time that either idea of like, we're getting this gift for your friend, and we're gonna give it to them. And they're thinking, oh, man, I'm excited back, but I want one, can I get that? Can I have that gift. And it's not a judgment, it's a real life journey process for them, where they're learning to find the beauty and the joy of giving. But at the same time, there's something in them right in their little hearts. That's like, Man, I want that. And it's not wrong to want it. It's their inability to recognize the slight selfishness of that. And so if in the process that's happening, that's normal. But what I don't want my children to do is not enjoy the beauty of the moment when they give the gift, and that they can see the joy that it provides for the other person. And then whether they realize it or not, if they're expressing joy, because of how they saw that friend react, then, in my opinion, based on the principle of the matter of the heart, for us, they're expressing, and seeing and getting that fulfillment of having given something or affirmed someone, or it was outside of themselves, and they realize, oh, my gosh, that was fun. But the thing is, I don't want them to think that they can't receive either, right or someone won't give them the gift. It's just that there's more joy, generally, right. And as the saying goes, and this is biblical, as well says it's, it's better to give than receive. And it doesn't mean we can't receive, it just means there's a rich reward and blessing, and a greater affirmation that comes to us when we're able to give and see the fruit of that. And a lot of times that's hard to buy into, especially as dads, especially as husbands because it seems so sacrificial, and we want the reward sooner than it comes. Sometimes we want to be affirmed instantly. It's like, Hey, did you notice what I just did for you? And no one no clapping? Nothing? Not a pat on the back? How about Thank you? No, okay. All right, kids, I love you. You're the best. You know. So it's like, it's just a real thing. And that's a long way to answer a question. But I think there's, it's, there's so much to what we ask some times that we don't actually take the time to think about what we're thinking about or take the time to unpack it, because we're human, because we just want to get to the next thing, move on and call it good. And so but for me, personally, that's the journey shift, right is actually doing something that is going to be serving others and affirming them. And knowing that while the reward may not happen in the moment, it will come eventually, and it's worth it. But sometimes it takes a long time. And when it's not about us, we're willing to embark on that journey. And when it's all about us, we tend to move on and away from it, and then go get some sort of temporal satisfaction where we feel served. And that could be a number of things. And that could open up Pandora's box. But

Curt Storring 18:11

yeah, no, I I agree with that. And I've got all the children screaming in the background. So the dad podcast service is real. Yeah. The thing that I have noticed as well in that is like, as I went to basically endeavor to be that giver. And I think sacrifice is the most powerful force in the world. I mean, for me, that's what it took to save the world to save the souls of all the men who are willing to put their faith in Christ sacrifice. And so as a father, more than happy to do that, and I actually get filled up that way. But I noticed that it took me knowing who I was, in order to truly enjoy that in order to truly have the right motives, like you said, Because beforehand, it was the same thing, man was like that tit for tat, like, Hey, I did this thing. When is my turn. And so well, that's not actually as lovingly sacrificial. That's not as service oriented. That's about me. I'm not actually putting others first then. But it required that I knew that I was okay. Without that external validation. And that was a tricky part on my journey. So I don't know if you've worked with guys on that. I mean, you said identity. So I think that is probably a big part of this. But can you talk a little bit about like, how it looks to actually get your identity because I see a lot of guys put their identity in their wife's happiness or other forms of external validation. Is that something you work with a lot?

Sam Velazquez 19:32

You know, I mean, I think that it's something that whether we work with it or not, I, I believe we all experience it. And so I think a lot of times, so from a perspective, personally, as a husband and a father, especially as a husband, right, we it's interesting, we're in this position where let me jump back because I just want to answer the question up front, like almost more direct, and then we can kind of break it down because, you know, the question is, you know, where does then our identity come from? Where do we Get it. And the truth is we don't get it. You don't get your identity, it's given to you. So ironically, the last question, we're talking about gifts and giving an affirmation, and it's this idea of I'm, I'm receiving something that I don't necessarily deserve even. And yet it's being given to me. And so therefore, it's a gift, right? I didn't choose for me to be this way, in the sense of like to look this way to have these features to particularly sound this way. And again, that's the finding infallible truth. And some people may think, Gosh, I don't like that your truth always lands on this. But the thing is, if it doesn't, then what is my source of truth, it could be experiential, it could be a lot of different things. And I'm not saying in a judgmental way that that's wrong. But if it's, that's what you believe, great, but because of what I believe, it always has to go back, it always has to make sure it aligns with the foundation. And so the truth of identity is at the finding infallible truth, I find that it says, I was known. I was formed in the womb, like God knew me before anyone else he knew, like, and I'm not talking about the flesh, like what we see in the physical, he knew like the depths of my soul. And he knew that like the spirit of who I am, before I was even born. And that is where my true identity is. And it tells me it's in him. It's in God, it's in Christ. And so not to unpack that. But if I just keep it there, that's the infallible truth for me. And so how do I get identity? I don't, it's been given to me. And so if I don't, necessarily maybe you don't believe and so that is maybe a struggle, and you're thinking you're trying to find validation, you're trying to find your identity and all the different things, it could be your wife, it could be your kids, it could be in your kids is performance. It could be in your own performance. It could be in your job, it could be in a podcast, it could be how am I going to look and sound on this podcast? And is this gonna go perfect, you know, are Are there going to be children and in newborn babies, because Kurt, and his wife just had a child, and you know, that we hear, but no, none of that matters. It that's just reality and a part of it. But that's not where identity is. And so long story short, it's given to me. So that's where mine comes from. So I don't have to get my identity, I just have to live in my identity. And so in order for me to understand what that is, I always got to go back to the source of truth. And for me, that's God, that's, that's Jesus. That's the Bible, the Word of God. And it doesn't mean I don't pull from other sources. But from those sources, I take them and then they've got to align with the ultimate truth for me. And that's, that's the word of God. So, but as far as the personal struggle, the personal thing, I just want to give some transparency, because it's easy to sound like I got this altogether. The truth is, man, I've struggled my whole life with identity. And even though I've known these truths, I still struggle. Because I'm human, it's still easy to want to venture off the path per se, and look for something that's instantly validating who I think I am, right, of course, I want to be successful. I want to be the husband who checks all the boxes, I want to be the dad who checks all the boxes, I want to be these things, but I have to understand, they're not the things that define who I am. And that's tough, because it's a lot of work. And it seems Shouldn't we be validated for these things. And that's where I have multiple times gone wrong. I have looked for the validation or affirmation in the things I'm doing, that they're not tasks and door chores, they're divine responsibilities that I have the opportunity to serve. And when I start to look for things on the outside, right, if I post a picture of my children, and it's a perfect one, and that looks good, and I get you know, 100 likes, does that affirm me as a dad? Sure, a little bit, but does that where my identity comes from? No, but does it sometimes do I often find myself in that quicksand per se of like, oh, shoot, why am I caring about this so much? Because maybe I'm letting these things define who I am? And none of it does. I wish it did. It would be so much easier and awesome if all of the external things defined us but the truth is they don't. And we just will never, I don't believe you'll ever find your self and know your true identity. And all those things, no matter how hard we work towards them. And that's kind of the divide the demise of human nature. And the human condition is we're all equally frail. And we need help and we need saved and we need someone to help us out sometimes. And anyway, that's my kind of bit on identity maybe, and that's hard to unpack and there's so much to But but simply put, just know, our identity does not lie in the things we do, or accolades or even through other human affirmation, those affirmations, I think I'd put it this way, they're necessary and we should receive them. But no, they're to be reminders of who our identity or what our identity lies in. Not necessarily it being our actual identity.

Curt Storring 25:24

Yeah, man, that is really well said that like shifted something in me hearing that with the gifting of the identity, and then the playing out thereof. Rather than I've got to build that I've got to be the one I got to do this because everything else becomes external, and could be taken away, isn't necessarily bound in the truth. And here's the thing, man, this is like the third or fourth time in this podcast in the last couple of months, that it has come up the importance of knowing what you believe about the world, the world in the universe. And I used to think, like, well, I don't know, man, like, do you really need to know that? What does have to do with identity? Like, who cares? Why don't you just like, What do you want? How are you going to get there? What do you need? Who are you? Those are good questions. But the more that it's come up, and I have come along to the realization this is true a number of months ago, but it keeps happening. And if you're listening this podcast, because I know there's guys like me, dude, I wasn't a believer a year ago today. Today, May 10, is the one year anniversary of me being saved. And so like, praise God for that. That's amazing. But a year and a day ago, dude, I would have been like everyone else listening going like, Are you for real? Like, are you sure about this. But what I have seen now on the inside, is if you don't know what you believe about the world, and you can defend it back to baseline, you're always going to be like lost at sea. Something could always come in and push you off. And if you don't have that fundamental truth, look, maybe it's not even Christianity. I don't know that I don't think there is another one. Obviously, I'm there in with you believe in that like this is the infallible truth. But go look for it. If you don't know what you believe about the world, why not? Like men? What could be more important? And that has become so clear to me, and I'm hearing you say this, you must have a moral framework in place for what you believe about the world. Is that fair? I don't know if we need to, like really dive into that. But does that sound reasonable?

Sam Velazquez 27:14

I think it sounds reasonable. And you know, for the listener, right? You may be thinking okay, well, Kurt's saying this Sam Santa, they believe the same thing. So of course, they're going to probably have a similar, you know, easier path to say an agreement, let's call it that we're gonna get there easier as far as agreement goes. And so do I think it's reasonable? Yes, I do. But I want to say this, because I think it can add value for maybe you don't, maybe Christianity is not your foundation, maybe it's something else. And so what I've learned because I've been, I've been what is coined as a church kid, right? I grew up in the church, I grew up with a lot of good things, and a lot of not great things, right? And because there's no difference between there is but for the context, I'm using it, there's no difference between me as a Christian, and the man or husband out there as the non Christian in this sense, we're both broken. We're both people who are in need of help. We're both people who can't do it alone. The choice though, is, who is it that we're going to look to for help, and who is it that I'm going to look to for that foundation, and it could be a person for you, it could be another, you know, religion or faith for you. And I'm not here to judge or condemn that. I'm just here to say this is this is my, the foundational truth of in which I stand on, and I stand on it alone in the sense that I will go anywhere that I believe God's calling me to go in the here's the danger. In a conversation like this is we can become so narrowly focused on what we know to be true, and be so bound foundational in it. And that's principally good. But it shouldn't be to the point where we're unable to what I call cross pollinate, we need to have the ability to go into conversations with those who may not have that same view, they may not have that same view, because the foundation they were given was just from birth, like me, like I didn't choose to go to church. That was just something I was born into almost later in life, just like you, Kurt, I had to choose to believe these things. I had to choose on my own without any kind of, you know, influence from man, that I was going to actually believe in who God is and was and who he says he is. And then that all the things that we know about the Bible to be true. Or at least we put our faith in, right. And that's the challenge, right? The faith of Christianity. We live in a world of algorithms and outcomes and statistics, and biometrics and all of these fancy things that sound grandioso but that's kind of the challenge of the Christian faith is I'm not here to prove everything to you. I'm here to just say this is this is what I believe If and in the process, I'm going to love you, no matter where you're at. That's the difference. I don't have, I do, because we do have free will and choice, but kind of this, maybe wrap this particular section up because it could get so deep but challenging to unravel and break down, I would say this, the thing about God's word is this, I can't rewrite it, I can't change it. Right, he tells me I can't hate people. And I can't hate certain aspects of what we see in culture. But I also can't rewrite the narrative to fit your comfort levels. And that's where it's challenging. Because really, when people are butting up against something, and not understanding or not, maybe they feel insecure or uncertain, for, you know, multiplicity of reasons, is that's where I have to stand on truth and not be moved. Just because I'm more concerned about meeting your comfort level, than I am willing to stand on the thing I say I have and put my faith in. And that is challenging for anything and everybody. But I think if we don't believe in something, and this is not I didn't come up with this. But the phrase is, if you don't believe in something, you'll fall for anything. And I think that's very true for so many reasons and different, different avenues we choose. And again, I'm human, there are things that put my faith and trust in that seemed good, but didn't ultimately align with certain truths. And in the process, it didn't pan out well. But I'm not condemning myself, or do I feel shame over it? I just know, okay, I need to get back to the did I bounce that off of the foundation of my faith? And if I didn't, I can probably come to a pretty easy conclusion that, no, I got off track, I put my identity in this, and I got consumed by these things. And that's what we're all the same. We're all susceptible to the same pitfalls. And it's not predicated on on the Christian therefore, I don't have those same pitfalls. I didn't make those same mistakes. No, I mean, we're identical. I mean, Kurt, you you're talking about your one year, you know, kind of journey in transition. But the difference is, this is just the fact that yours was a year ago, mine was, you know, essentially my whole life. But really, when I was in my early 20s, that I decide, I'm going to fully jump into this thing. And it's been a process. But so other than that, there's no difference, we're in the exact same place for the same value intrinsically. So it doesn't matter where you start into or where you're at. It's all the same. So, anyhow,

Curt Storring 32:32

yeah, no, that's good. And I think like, whatever the outcome is, just look at what you believe. Like just mean, we're so distracted today. It's so easy not to think about the foundation. Well, what's next? What isn't the next dopamine hit? Where's the next, like, where's the next distraction from my feelings. And so that's why I wanted to throw that in there. Because whatever you come up with, it's going to be better than nothing. So go down the path, and start thinking about that kind of stuff. But I want to I want to switch gears a little bit to talk about what you're talking about a lot, which is the four walls winning from the inside out, like I really like that framework, because it just feel it makes sense. It just make sense to me, man. So I would love to hear a little bit more about like, what you mean by winning in the four walls and winning from the inside out? And I think there's, I think you might have alluded to it earlier in terms of like, the framework where there's family first, and then you know, everyone else after that, but could you walk us through what it looks like to win from the inside out how you can win inside the four walls? And then like, if there's one has to come first, just walk us through the framework, because I think there's some good stuff in here.

Sam Velazquez 33:35

Yeah, absolutely. So yeah, what you're talking about Kurt? So this is this is something new to you. So if you're listening and thinking, Okay, I've been on this, you know, I'm 40 years old. So it's not like, Okay, I started this when I was 12. And I've created this framework of winning from the inside out. Now, we don't realize we're creating these frameworks, necessarily, but the truth is, we are, in some, some idea of that per se, but So winning from the inside out was this concept that I kind of came up with. And again, a lot of the way my brain thinks is, how can I create something that holds me accountable? How can I create something that helps me stay on track, and not easily get off course not, because I'm so this, this almost sounds counterintuitive to what I'm about to say because it can almost become selfish, but the but again, the motive for it is to keep me on track because I do ultimately want to serve those around me better. I want to serve my wife, my kids in my community and the people that I believe God's put in front of me. And in order to do that, it starts with us. So the concept of winning from the inside out isn't just from the inside of the four walls, it's actually from the inside of me. So the baseline is me. I am the you are the factor in your own story. And there's been so many times in my life I've let people kind of be the factor. I've let people be the driving force good people well in tend to people, people I love and respect. But in that process, I found myself almost riding, like their wave, if that makes sense, I found myself living in their journey without, like subconsciously not realizing I needed to do this for me on my own. And not in the sense of alone. But make the personal decision to say, it starts with me if I want to see change, if I want to see growth, if I want to see my be the person who I believe I'm called to be, I have to be willing to look inside. And that's scary. That is because it's saying, Okay, I'm actually going to face the reality that this just is a truth, right? And let's just go there, because it's easy to dance around it, but like, so a big part of my journey. From a young age, I was introduced to pornography, and that became a hook and a problem and an issue in my life. And a good friend of mine, you know, puts it this way, you're never in the clear, right? You're never in the clear, it's always going to present itself. And it's always going to be there and in this world. And so I had to learn to realize, okay, this doesn't define me, this isn't who I am. Okay, so there's, it's addressing, and I'm bringing that up, because it's a very, like, look in the mirror thing. Like, oh, wow, I'm human. And, and again, right, it's a perversion of the actual truth. And the truth is, God's given a sex drive, He's given us this, you know, he's created us this way as men. So it's vitally important that we don't see it as something bad. But that was kind of my view a little bit because of being young, not having a dad, you know, my parents divorced when I was seven. And so I'm laying that as a foundation, because that then stemmed into so many things on the inside, that I had to learn to look at and deal with, and be willing to face them and process them. And not alone. But because I wanted to actually not have that define me, I didn't want that to be the foundation of who I was, as a man, I didn't want that to be something that was going to come into and constantly be butting up against my marriage. Because that's not God's design for marriage. I didn't want that to affect my ability to Father, my children. And I didn't want that to impact or affect me as just a entrepreneur and a man who God's given a lot of desire and talent to go do and accomplish things to ultimately serve people. So if I never addressed that, right, I didn't look inside. And that's one of many things, right? And I always think this a lot, and I want to kind of smash this idea, like hardcore in the face. Because we I think, as men, and culturally, especially in the church, I was raised in the church, when we say pornography porn, it somehow gets this elevated seat to other things. And listen, maybe yours is anger, like, there's no difference. Okay, so let's just squash that idea. And so whatever it may be, and you know what it is, that's the thing, you know, and I knew, and the truth is, we can choose to suppress it and keep moving forward, and still be pretty successful in a lot of areas of our life. But we'll then have this constant like, nagging, and

a sense of not being fulfilled, and it leaves the hook in, and you've got to get rid of the hooks, you know, and I don't know what they are. And I'm not here to judge, right. And that's the concept. So in order for me to win, I have to start with me on the inside. And once I start to do those things, and it's not an overnight process, and it doesn't mean you have to deal with everything all at once. It just means you have to start to address these things. And you have to have the desire. I thought this was great. A friend of mine said this Kurt and I thought this is profound, because we talk about so many things as far as what to do. And then the action steps even we map it out, we have an we have a roadmap practically given to us. But the thing is, how do I give someone desire? How do I teach someone desire, and I don't know that I can actually give you desire, I can encourage you, but you have to choose and desire it enough to actually start taking the necessary action steps to do it. And and that's where I was at, I had the desire to want to change for myself because I knew the impact it would have on those around me. And so that's kind of the foundation right? It starts with us. There's so much we could dig into but and then we move then kind of outward. But that then starts the next inside portion. And for me, that concept is winning within right. We win within ourselves. We win with in the four walls and I believe this right now we live in crazy times. Culturally, it's wild. I personally believe that the you know, as we say the nuclear family but the family in general is under attack and the principles and the foundations for family regardless of what you believe, just principally speaking, they're under attack. And so I want to make sure I'm winning within the four walls of my home. And if I'm dealing with myself internally, it allows me to then work within the four walls of my home a lot better, right? Not perfectly, by the way, where I don't strive to be perfect. I do strive, though to be excellent. And that means I can lay my head down at night. And I can have a moral conscious thought that says, I did good, not perfect, but I did good. And I want to serve my wife. She's, she's first and foremost. And these are the Divine Order steps, I believe, because God didn't give me a wife, so to Kurt's point, so so I could have someone in the home to cook and clean, and pick up after me. And now if your wife does that, and it's a gift that she has, and she loves it great, that's awesome. But that's not her purpose. That's not what she's here to do is to serve me, right. Now, granted, we should hopefully be in a healthy contest of how we can help serve the other person. Right? That would be ideal. But with the right motives, right, I'm not trying to serve my wife. So then in return, I can be served. That's not how it works. Although I've done that before, I've done things and thought, Gosh, I did all this. I mean, like, what are you going to do for me, I mean, what I mean, even just acknowledgement would be great. Let's start there. But that's not how it works. And so winning within the four walls. So it's critical, because we can tend to maybe work on ourselves, or we can tend to be focused on our jobs and the things we're, you know, our ambitions and the things we're going after. And they're not, it's not wrong, but I don't want to be successful outside of the four walls of my home. When I know inside, there's things that are broke. I just don't I don't believe principally speaking, that that is good. Nor is it something that God desires, and it's not part of his original plan for us. In yet culture, and society has made it very normal. It's totally acceptable to be successful. And you can measure success how you want, but according to the world's standard of success, I'm talking about like, you know, fame, fortune, all of those things, right? If as long as I have that, who cares if my home is broken? And there's a lot of that out there? And I just don't, I'm not judging the individual. But the principle of it, absolutely. I'm saying no, I don't want that for my family. And I would rather have this than that. And so we've got to decide to win within the four walls of our home. And that involves children, am I spending time with them as a dad, right, we can be physically present, but not necessarily emotionally present, or spiritually present. And so I want to make sure I'm doing the best that I can to be present for my kids, I believe, Kurt, that we are as dads. And as husbands, not only are we put first, for a reason, as far as the, the head of the home, but it's because we're to be the best example of what it means to be a particular leader, and a servant leader at that. And for me to be a man of God, what does that mean? It means a lot of sacrifice, it means but healthy, and I'm excited to do it, because it's for the betterment of the whole. And that's our job as husbands and fathers. And then once we start to work these things out within ourselves and within the four walls of our home, then we can work on winning within what I call the calling, or the purpose, or the thing that you feel God's called you to do here on this earth, then I can win that, right. So you know, I'm behind curtain, this sense of like, starting this new journey of business, because we used to be in business, and we're no longer doing running that business. And now we're starting something completely new. And for me, I'm jumping more into the creative space, podcasting, and creating coaching courses and being able to do some of the things I feel God's always called me to do. But my point is, I'm bringing that up just to say this, I don't want to go after those things so hard. If in the process, I'm compromising the two first foundational steps, making sure I'm winning within myself, I'm doing the things that whether people are looking or not, that are right, and I'm taking care of my family, in the process without compromising them. So the idea is I help people win, right? This is how I put it I help you win and or be successful without I teach you how to not compromise your faith and your family and or your children and or your work even in the process. And so it's not to say you got to get rid of one is to say, let me help you prioritize how you work and navigate through this. And let me help you understand that you're struggling because your family to take care of this over here. And if you will just not get rid of this necessarily. Now maybe you do that does happen. Right? That could happen. You may have to actually get rid of something. And that's not the goal necessarily, but that may be your be a reality for you. But if it's not Got the ideas to say, Okay, let's preserve this if you feel this is what God's called you to do, but let's make sure that we get these in more of a divine order. And we're not neglecting one just to make face for the other. And we do it because of what we first started off with Kurt, we put our identity in it, we put everything we have into it. And that's where we want recognition. And the truth is, I don't, to say I don't care, it's not 100% accurate, because I believe there are things God's called me to do outside of the home, that are vital to the purpose for me here. But at the end of the day, what I care about is I want to be the most famous person in my home. That's it. And so, you know, Wilson's gonna wrap it up, you know, as far as winning from the inside out that that's it's the three foundational steps is win within yourself, when within the four walls of your home. And let me say this, because maybe you're listening and like, Well, I'm not even married, I don't have kids, doesn't matter, start winning within the four walls. And how do I do that? If I'm a single, you know, Bachelor guy, or I'm living maybe with roommates, then when within that environment, can you actually hold yourself to a certain standard, and be the example in those environments, and if you can't, but you can, but you're doing it outside of the environment. And you're letting that outside environment influence you enough to where you can't even live by your own principles you set within the four walls, I'm just telling you start practicing no shame, no condemnation, but start to practice, and even just take time to recognize it. That's part of the process. But when within yourself when within the four walls, and then we can start to concern ourselves with how we're going to win within the particular calling and purpose that we feel God's called us to here on Earth.

Curt Storring 46:38

Yeah, man, it's almost like building a house by the sounds of it, or you've got yourself as the foundation for your life. And it's like, that should be obvious that the more work that you put into yourself, the stronger foundation you're going to have for everything that builds on top of you. And if we realize that that is our wife, our kids, our family, the generations to come, and then the people in our community in our business, like Man, why wouldn't we put the first order in ourselves not to glorify ourselves, but to be more useful for others? Now, in terms of doing that yourself or with people you work for, or work with? Are there like simple steps to this process? I mean, it's not simple, but or shall I should say, it's not easy, but maybe there's some simple steps to here. But like, what is a guy to do? who's like, actually, you know what, I've been asleep at the wheel? Like, I don't know what I'm good at. I don't show up really? Well, I don't stick I'm not a man of integrity. Have you seen there to be certain things that work for guys to start heading in this direction? And like you say, it doesn't have to be all at once? What's like some of the things guys can practically do to get there?

Sam Velazquez 47:47

Sure, yeah. You know, it's funny, you're kind of your, your, your, I think answering one of the most foundational things, whether you realize it or not, as you're, you're basically, you're answering the question by talking about what it is that the hypothetical man out there is recognizing, so recognition, in my opinion, is almost one of the first steps or let's take it a step further, if I recognize it, am I willing to admit it? And then if I can admit it, do I have someone I can admit it to maybe that's your, your spouse, if you're married, maybe it's someone that you have that you can be you trust, right? So if I recognize it great. How do I address it? Well, you could try to address it all by yourself. Not necessarily wrong or bad. But my next most simple step would be to admit it to someone tell someone that, hey, you know, I'm coming to you because I trust you. And I just want to let you know this. And what it does is it starts to build accountability. If I don't tell anybody, then I don't No one's going to know whether or not I'm actually making progress. And it won't matter all No. But then it just builds on itself. And then you got to deal with potential guilt, shame, and frustration and irritation that we've built for ourselves. And just, you know, the fact that you bring up the whole house analogy, Kurt, I think is it's amazing how many things that we tend to think are cliche, but they're not. They're just actually, you know, truths. Right. The this is, this is even in the Bible, by the way, right? Finding infallible truth. It talks about the foundation, it talks about what is the the cornerstone of a building, if you're not familiar with structural things, indoor building, the cornerstones, the most important thing, and off of a cornerstone in the world of masonry. That's where they build and then they level everything off of that cornerstone. So the cornerstone has to be set, and it has to be perfectly plumb and aligned. And if it's not everything else, gets out of alignment. And so, in the Bible, God, you know, refers to himself as the cornerstone. He's the chief cornerstone, and that's why he's saying that right? So we can have practical ways to look at that and right realize, okay, so foundationally, I need to put that first, right your faith has to be, and maybe it's not God for you. But for me it is. And so if I don't have that foundational piece there, everything else is going to kind of be out of alignment, it doesn't mean that it won't be built. But I think more practically, maybe, or at least for those who are listening, and you think, Well, I don't believe in the Bible, okay, fine. Well, then let me put it to you this way. There's not a house that exists out there with a foundation that is solid, that when people come over to look at it, that they say, wow, look at the foundation of that house, no one says that. They're looking at the windows, they're looking at the doors, they're looking at the roof, they want to know what's on the inside, they want to see how it's decorated. They want to see if it has the aesthetics and the things that are going to serve them well. And the reality is, no one brags about the foundation of a home in a practical sense, no one goes in, it's like, Man, I wish we could dig up this dirt and see the foundation, the only people who will talk about the foundation is the people that understand the purpose. And the actual, like, practical thing that that foundation is actually doing, they realize, okay, if you have a building to this magnitude, you've got to have a good foundation. And that's kind of the idea, right? It's this concept of we hear people talk about what's the legacy, you're going to lead indoor leave. And don't get me wrong, I mean, being able to leave my children like generational wealth, absolutely, yes, that'd be great. But more More importantly, I want to leave them the legacy of being good husbands and fathers and good wives and mothers. And I want to leave them the legacy of no matter what it is we accomplish here on Earth. If we do it, and we don't serve other people in the process, there's no real point to it, it goes against the foundation of what it is, we're taught, it goes against the foundation of what we believe. And so ultimately, what I'm what I'm saying from a practical standpoint is the simplest Steps Start in a place where most people aren't going to see them. And most people will not applaud you in the process. And so you can't do it for the recognition and applause of other people. And so maybe I don't think there's any one first step, I think that just take a step in the right direction is good. And then you'll start to refine that process. But I think if I had to maybe pick two or three, one, we've already addressed it, recognize it, be willing to look in the mirror and say, what is it that I know needs to change? Or what is it that I know isn't necessarily serving me or serving others, well address it. And then the next step is build accountability for yourself by telling someone and then the next step would be realize that if you desire it enough, and this is the piece I can't give people, I can only encourage them. And I can only, you know, try to help them answer their own questions, right? Because I don't I don't want to give people the answer. They've got to determine it for themselves, but desires the next step. And if you truly desire it, and this is how I know the differences, my wife and I used to work within the fitness industry. And the difference between one athlete from the next is simply desire. Everyone generally has the same capacity to accomplish things on different levels, but still accomplish it. But the one who has the most desire, you see them actually take action. And yes, they're coachable. Yes, they're teachable. And yes, they're willing to look at the thing that is maybe prohibiting them from getting there. But more importantly, we're talking, you know, we're talking a little way down the road here a third step, so but they have desire. And if I don't have the desire to change, the probability of me changing is not likely. And the thing that then drives the false desire, all stems back to identity and what we talked about in the beginning, and that is, I do it, because I want recognition and affirmation. And so if I'm doing something good, and I've progressed, I'm going to put it up on social media, I'm going to tell all the wrong people, essentially, who really don't ultimately know what the foundation is and where you're coming from, and what the struggle is internally. And they're going to applaud you. And they're going to tell you all the things you want to hear. But they're not going to tell you what you ultimately need to hear. And that's going to be like, Hey, man, good job. But don't stop. Like in what's your next goal, or what's the next thing you want to not necessarily arrive to, but like we said in the very beginning, don't be fixated on arriving anywhere. Right, a foundation really doesn't arrive anywhere. Once it's poured and done. It doesn't move. It just serves the purpose of upholding and undergirding the very thing it serves. Right? And that's where I think as men, and yes, this is a metaphorical example. But I think it's true is it doesn't mean the context is crazy current right now and like, you can't say anything in the airwaves anymore. And people just tickets, so crazy out of context. And so let me just say this to help us understand from a contextual standpoint, what I'm saying is, as men, and as husbands, God has put us first in the process, not so we can be recognized not so we can receive awards and accolades. It's because he built us and designed us to be able to uphold, and to be a foundation for the things that we're building up, and I want to build my wife up, I want to build my children up, I want to build my business up in a way where it serves more people, and it serves them well. And it's genuine and authentic. And it's not to necessarily just have wealth, it's to be able to use money as a tool to impact more people. So everything becomes this concept of serving. And so in order for me to ensure that the foundation is good, I got to make sure it's not cracked, I got to make sure I'm aligning everything off of the chief cornerstone, I've got to make sure that I'm in this not for selfish reasons. I'm in it, because I want to be able to be a foundation that my wife and children, friends and family know is secure, and immovable. It's not easily shaken. And it can withstand storms, it can withstand earthquakes, and the storms of life that are going to come it's an inevitable we all experience them. But I've got a desire to want to do it. And not be looking out there for the affirmation and recognition. I mean, I'll end with this, because it's like, I could go on and on about this, because it's so silly to think that we would, who would want to be an awesome Foundation, and then have no house built on it. You know, what people say about foundations, like literal structures that are just the foundation, and there's nothing built after a while people start to wonder, Hmm, wonder if they're gonna build on that. They don't say look at that awesome Foundation, no one says they just see an incomplete process they see. And they see incomplete potential. And we have so much potential and it doesn't mean and here's the context part. This doesn't mean we stay buried beneath the dirt. This doesn't mean we don't get up on stages and speak this doesn't mean we don't get on a podcast and share our hearts. This doesn't mean that we don't step outside of the four walls and go conquer and take you know, territory. This doesn't mean that we don't have to, within the four walls of our home, you know, kind of come up as the foundation say, Hey, listen, this is out of alignment, you can't move that wall. There's no foundation for that. Right? You can't put this here, we don't have the foundation is not built for that, right? Or, hey, we don't do that in the home. There's no, we don't, we're not a foundation that supports that. And so it doesn't mean we're stagnant and we don't do anything. It means that we understand what the foundation's purpose is. And we fight for it as men and we fight for it as husbands and fathers. And we realize the reason we're fighting in a healthy sense, and contextually speaking, is because we want to ensure we're leaving a legacy that says, It's not about me, it's about for me, it's about God, and serving him well. And in return, I can serve others well. And in return, I don't get left empty handed. And like we said, at the very beginning, we get a fulfillment that is almost undescribable. And then I'll end up with this, Kurt, because you brought this up, we then experience a healthy level of intimacy we didn't know existed. And it's an intimacy that I don't have to get from my wife, from my children from in some sort of external, you know, source, I can actually get it from God Himself, because he's the one who makes me feel fulfilled. He gives me a sense of peace and joy that I didn't think was possible. And for that reason, man, I'm motivated to wake up the next day and say, Gosh, man, I'm going to keep doing that. Because I want to experience that kind of love, and affirmation and recognition, and a sense of purpose and knowing who I am in my identity, because it ultimately comes from God,

Curt Storring 59:01

man that that last piece literally given me goosebumps, because that's the piece that I made, like the biggest circle around in my notes from our last talk is you said it was like, ultra manly. To be intimate with the father in relationship like that. Is like there's nothing that is like more striking to me than just hearing those words. Because even the words themselves the intimacy with the Father and like, that's all you need, then there's nothing outside that can throw you off, then you do the right thing for the right reason. And he offers it for free and that man like every morning I wake up and I always the first thing I say is like thank you God for another day with breath in my lungs. But there's this sense of what he's kept me alive today. So he must need me in his plans and not need me need me that way. But like he's got something for me today. I better go all out. Like who would I be? If I was like, Oh, hey, thanks for the day, God, I'm gonna go play video games, like, get out of here with that. So anyway, I'm really glad that you tied that in because that was the perfect way to end it. I really appreciate this man, thank you so much for dropping this wisdom on us and for us. And I want to make sure come on three, three minutes over the hour now that we wrap up, but where can people find you? What are you doing? Now? I know you've got some coaching going on? Where do you want to send people and we'll drop all of these links in the show notes of dad.org/podcast. So if you want to find them go there. But let's tell people where to go now.

Sam Velazquez 1:00:32

Yeah, I appreciate it, Kurt and thanks for having me on. I mean, it's, it's always a an honor and a privilege, in my opinion, is the best way to put it's a privilege to be able to be here and have these opportunities to share just some of the things going on inside of me and my heart, you know, for for people, and especially for dads and husbands and so, and fathers, right. But if people ultimately want to find me, of course, all of the social media feeds, I'm on Instagram, Facebook, and all the fun stuff. I don't do Twitter. But um, anyway, people can find me there, I have a LinkedIn tree account, I have a website, I don't know if I shot you that but that people can find me. And ultimately one of the best ways people can connect with me, other than through social media is, you know, I offer basically a 30 minute coaching call. And it's people call them discovery calls people, we have all these amazing, you know, marketing words we try to use, but the truth is, I want to have one opportunity to give people a little bit of encouragement, because you might not need coaching, I might not be the coach for you, I might not be the person that's going to be be the fit for you. But at least I'm going to spend those 30 minutes and maybe help give you one step that can point you and get you moving in the right direction. But again, it requires desire. And so I find the people that take those action steps have the desire something saying maybe they can't even explain it, but they want to change. But that's probably the best way to get a hold of me is go in sign up on the calendar is the link that I have that you can pick a time that would work for you. And yeah, connect on a free coaching call. Or if you got a question, I'm available, right, my email and all those things are available through my social links. And so people can absolutely reach out, I send out a weekly encouragement email every Monday that blast to my email list. And so if you're like, if you just like or need or want some steady flow and encouragement and some just kind of raw like, Hey, here's, here's something to think about. Here's something to go into your week with that can be a positive thing to lean into. I send that out every Monday so people can sign up for that free email as well.

Curt Storring 1:02:28

Sweet. Okay, and that can all be found, like I said, Dad.Work slash podcast. What is the Instagram coach underscore Sam Velasquez? I think it is. That's it. And so anyway, we'll put all that in the show notes. There's a lot of good stuff there. I like reading all this stuff that we're putting out because there's a lot of content coming. And I love that because I'm creating content all the time, too. So it is encouraging, it is edifying. And it might just be the kick in the butt. You guys need to like actually get off the axe and do something. And I'm all for it. So thank you, man. Thanks for doing what you're doing. Thanks for sharing with us. And let's keep building relationship and I like this.

Sam Velazquez 1:02:59

Absolutely. Pleasure, Kurt. Thank you.

Curt Storring 1:03:03

Thank you for listening to the data work podcast. That's it for this episode. But if you would like to stay in touch between weekly episodes, why don't you go over to Instagram and follow me there because I drop a number of things throughout the week that are related to what we talked about on this podcast but usually go a little bit deeper, provide some tips you can find me on Instagram at dad work dot Kurt. That's da d w o RK dot c u r t. And please, if you have been getting something out of this podcast, if it has touched you if it has improved your marriage or parenting or your life, would you please leave a quick review on Apple or Spotify. leave a rating. If you have a few extra seconds, leave a quick review. That's the best way that we can get this work in the hands of more fathers. And I truly believe that we change the world, one father at a time because each father that parents better that loves better raises children who do the same. And in just a couple of generations. I feel like we could be living in a world much better than the one we live in today. Your review will help along that path. And I thank you so much for being here to listen until next week. We'll see you then.

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